


2018 | love, tears & Rock'n'Roll

by SorcorerSupreme



Series: How to fall in love (and destroy it) || F1 [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Bad Spelling & Grammar, Brocedes, Drama, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fatherhood, Female Protagonist, First Love, Gay Male Character, Happy Nico, Lots of drama, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Nico is a Dork, Original Character(s), Parenthood, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romantic Stuff, Self-Harm, This is literally the 2017 season, Violence, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, bc I can't deal with that shit, in 2018, simi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-10-19 04:33:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 82,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10632288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorcorerSupreme/pseuds/SorcorerSupreme
Summary: {Part 2}Secrets are revealed. Secrets that change how you look at people.For Nico Rosberg, his life couldn't be more perfect - he finally found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, Alaïa accepts it and he can finally speak about his other daughter.But for Isabella, life is far from perfect after her crash. She isn't the first female Formula One driver who scored more than 0.5 points anymore, she's just the third generation of Formula One drivers - it's in her DNA, just like winning the championship.The nasty comments are becoming more and more every day, so it's only a matter of time until the situation escalates.How will Isabella deal with everything? Will she be able to drive a Formula One car again? Or is her career already over?Who's going to help her and who's going to leave her in the darkest hours?Are Nico and Isabella going to talk about everything or are they just going to ignore each other?And what about love?





	1. sunday | new year's eve

It has been one week. One week since I woke up from the coma they placed me in. And today, it's my 18th birthday and I'm stuck in this hellhole of a hospital. One of the two nurses who have to take care of me seems to hate me and even though it's a private hospital, the food still sucks.

”How are you today?”, asks the therapist I apparently have to talk to and closes the door behind her - I don't like her and I totally don't want to talk to her but I have to in order to get out as soon as possible. ”Nothing changed in the last 24 hours.”

Sighing, she sits down and I roll my eyes, this is useless. ”Today, we're going to talk about your father, Nico.” Frustrated, I groan and shake my head. “It's my 18th birthday, for God's sake, I should be at the pizzeria and have some drinks with Leandro, but okay, let's talk about my father. Do you want to short story or the long version why I hate him?“

“The long story, please. Before we start, how do you feel about our talk about him?“ God, I wish I could stand up and leave - but I can't. The accident completely destroyed my right knee, according to the doctors, it would be a miracle if I could ever drive a car again. “Should I feel something because I'm going to talk about him and you're going to listen and ask more stupid questions?“

The shocked expression on her face satisfies me, I have to admit. “Okay, let's get this started. For 9 years, it was always my mom and I. Sure, she had her boyfriends and I didn't really like them, but we got along somehow. They went to football games with me or drove me to my karting competitions. Some of them even did some movie nights with movies I wasn't allowed to watch and let me hide behind them when there was a scary scene.“

Weakly, I smile at the memories, we argued a lot as well and I often tried to be rebellious, but it was alright somehow. “The story of my mom's last boyfriend was our topic yesterday, so I'm just going to skip that. One day, it must have been shortly after her announcement of not going through chemotherapy again, she told me to visit her straight after school.“

Taking a deep breath, I look at her and quietly scoff under my breath when I see her looking out of the window. “So I did, I came to her right after school, it took me about an hour to get there because my school was at the other end of town. I went in without knocking and I remember staring at Nico freaking Rosberg who sat on my mom's bed. All she said was _“and that's your daughter, Isabella“_ or something like that.”

A bitter chuckle passes my lips and I slightly shake my head. ”After a few minutes of silence, he took me to the cafeteria to get some ice cream. I used that moment to show him my bruises, but apparently my mom warned him about that. He told me to stop trying to separate my mom and her boyfriend just because said boyfriend was the first one I absolutely hated. If my diary entry from that day is not complete bullshit, I begged at him to take me away from her boyfriend, but he just repeated himself.”

My voice is shaking and I take a few deep breaths. ”By the time we went back to her room, I was a sobbing mess because he decided to believe my mom instead of me. Hell, she was madly in love with that guy, she died to save his baby - and it died three days after her.”

This is harder than I thought and I sigh while whipping away a few tears. ”Then, after my long stay at Michael's, they wanted me to stay with Nico and Vivian. Because of him not believing me at the cafeteria, I refused to go to them - obviously, nobody really listened to me. Even though Michael and Nico were teammates at that time and they absolutely weren't friends, Michael drove me to Monaco and even stayed a night at their place.”

God, I miss Michael. It's not like he's dead, but I'm not allowed to see him at all. ”So, Michael left the next morning and Vivian was angry at me because they had to sleep on the couch - Michael got the guest room for the night, so they had to give me their bedroom.”

Now, she's watching me and I really wish I could stand up and slap her hard, she doesn't make it easier for me to talk about it. ”Nico had some meetings to do and she promised him to do something nice with me. The second he drove away, she left the house as well and locked the door behind me. I didn't know the number of the pizzeria by heart, so I couldn't call Paolo to save me. At dinner, she told him about the shopping tour we apparently did.“

Chocked sobs are passing my lips and I need a few minutes to calm myself down. “When I was in bed, they started to argue and yell at each other.“

Words can't express how much I would give for a drink right now, just to forget everything. “The whole week I stayed with them went like this, Nico had stuff to do and Vivian didn't even think about spending some time with me. When I tried to tell him that, he told me to shut up, he didn't want to listen to my lies to separate them.“

Slightly, I laugh and while away a few more tears. “After that weeks, I climbed through the bathroom window and ran to the pizzeria, telling them I would not spend another second with the guy I share DNA with and his wife who clearly didn't give a shit about me.“

My therapist eagerly writes something down and I sigh, I still can't believe this is how I really have to spend my damn 18th birthday. ”Until Vivian got pregnant, we lived in Monaco and happily ignored each other, I lived my life with Paolo and Matteo and they live theirs. But then, I couldn't believe it because she always told me she hated kids and suddenly she was pregnant with a child of her own. It still doesn't add up if you ask me, but by then I decided to not comment it.”

Slowly, I sit up, take a drink of the Fritz Cola that stands on the table next to my bed and groan slightly in pain, my broken ribs don't make it easier for me. ”Maybe he was just so in love with her that she could easily control him, I don't know, but he didn't have the balls to tell me that I was going to be a big sister, no, I got the news like the rest of the world.”

Carefully, I lay down again and groan again, so this is why the nurses told me to not sit up. ”Anyways, he ignored me whenever I was at the circuit and I ignored him, so it was fine. Don't ask me why, but it hurt when I had to read those _"fantastic"_ news in the newspaper. He knew about my half-brother my mom died for who just died three days later, so I think he should have known better.”

When Keke had Alaïa yesterday, we skyped for an hour and it felt surprisingly nice to finally see her even though she just was on the screen of my laptop. ”And thanks to that, it became even weirder between us. As I already said, maybe Vivian made him be the ignorant asshole he was to me as a prove of his love to her, but it doesn't change his behaviour.”

I hate the way she looks at me, for her, I'm probably just a very interesting case, nothing more. ”Paolo told me to congratulate them when Alaïa was born, even though I never got a birthday or Christmas card from them. So I did, he send one in the name of everyone who worked at the pizzeria at that time and while he got a thank you card, I didn't. Since then, I prefer referring to him as the guy I share DNA with and try to ignore him completely.”

The amount of papers she has written full of stuff about me surprises me - I don't know if it's a good sign or not, but it should be a sign or maybe she just likes to write a lot. ”How does it feel to talk about him?” Eyes rolling, I look at her, is this all she wants to know?

”Well, I'm just going to repeat myself but should I feel something just because I talk about him? It took me years to feel absolutely nothing about him and I won't give that up now.” Sceptical, she looks at me and I sigh quietly. ”Okay, I can't say I absolutely do not care about him, because this little weak part deep inside of me just wants him to look into my eyes and say _"I'm sorry"_ , but that is not going to happen in this life.”

Finally, the hour is up and she stands up. ”We are going to continue the conversation about your father tomorrow, Isabella. I wish you a happy birthday and a happy new year.” With that, she quickly leaves the room and I take a deep breath. In Germany, we don't wish each other a happy new year, but a good slide into the new year and I somehow wish her a bad slide into the new year because I absolutely don't want to continue this damn conversation.

It's 11 am, it's my 18th birthday and all I can do is drinking more Fritz Cola and eating some Ben & Jerry's, great. I'm finally allowed to drink the hard alcohol - and I could really need something right now - but I can't because a) I'm in a freaking hospital and b) alcohol doesn't go well together with the painkillers I have to take. ”Great”, I mumble to myself and sigh frustrated.

Without sitting up, I carefully try to grab my phone and sigh in relief when I hold it in my hands. Maybe I can figure out the WiFi password for the staff and watch some Netflix or just catch up on everything I missed while being placed in that stupid artificial coma.

Bored, I scroll down my Tumblr Timeline, reblog some stuff, check my Snapchat Account, go through my Instagram timeline and like some photos - but there's nothing interesting at all. I know Nico officially announced I'm his daughter, but I have bigger problems right now. And because I'm so bored, I even check my Twitter - something I swore myself to not do until I'm out of this hellhole.

@Isa_Racing: It's my birthday, I'm not allowed to drink and not allowed to leave my bed, nice [photo]

Attached is a photo of my knee, the TV I don't have a remote for and to add something interesting, I placed the empty bottle of Fritz Cola next to my knee and I upload the same photo in my Instagram and Snapchat story.

The Fritz Cola is a _”hope you get fit soon”_ -present and they didn't send only one crate, no, they send me five. They all stand in the small walk-in closet my hospital room because obviously, I won't use it. The small freezer is full with Ben & Jerry's, but I need a damn nurse to get me one, so all in all, it's super frustrating but I really appreciate those gifts.

The nurse who seems to hate me comes in for the checkup and I groan, this is exactly what I _don't_ need right now. ”Happy Birthday by the way”, she mumbles while she does whatever she has to and I roll my eyes. ”Thanks, I guess. Why don't I get my remote control back?“

This time, she rolls her eyes and sighs. “Because if we give you the remote control back, you're going to stay up all night and we can't let that happen.“ She makes me lay on my side for a minute and I groan in pain. “Hey, I woke up at 11 pm, you couldn't really expect me to fall asleep at 1 am, that's insane! There's so much I have to catch up, but I can't because you're not giving me the damn remote control.“

Without giving me an answer, she leaves the room and I scoff quietly under my breath, I really need to get out of here as soon as possible. When she doesn't come pack in less than a minute, I lay on my back again and take a deep breath.

A few minutes later, I already opened the Twitter App for the third time and I sigh frustrated, it has been a week and I already don't know what to do.

The battery of my phone is almost empty, so I place it on the table, press the button to call a nurse and sigh frustrated. When one comes in, I point at my phone and sigh. ”It needs to be charged but since I am not allowed to get up ... ”, I start and she nods and I give her a thankful smile in return. ”Do you need something else? Painkillers?”

”Do you have something that makes me sleep for the rest of my birthday? Maybe until tomorrow morning?”


	2. monday | new year's day

> When Lewis wakes up, it's already 2 pm and his boyfriend's still sleeping next to him. His father is here in Monaco to finally get to know the person his son wants to spend the rest of his life with better. And he offered the couple to take Alaïa for a night so they could celebrate and drink however they wish without thinking about Alaïa - Lewis liked the idea, he did really miss going to clubs and drink as much as he wants to, but now he low-key regets it.

The sleeping pills they gave me didn't work as good as I hoped, so I asked for some more at 2 am, explaining the pain didn't let me rest for a second. So, they gave me more sleeping pills and the result of that is me waking up at 2 pm - but it could have been worse, so it's absolutely okay for me. It's not like anyone wants to visit me anyways and I need to be fit today.

Because today is the first day of me learning to walk with my right knee again. Okay, today it's just going to be some moving in order to check what's going and what isn't, but it makes today the most eventful day since I woke up - and that's kind of sad, regarding that I turned 18 yesterday.

> _Lewis remembers it all. The monday after the crash, they had an extra briefing to inform them about her conditions. And after that, he went to the nearest flower shop and bought some roses. Roses are Nico's favourite flowers, so it couldn't be that wrong, could it?_
> 
> _The old woman got a huge tip, just because she was so nice to him. Then, he made his way to the hospital she was in. He was prepared for everything, hell, he even had something prepared in case there were paparazzi or journalists waiting in front of the hospital. But he absolutely was not prepared for Nico freaking Rosberg sitting in the waiting area with swollen, red eyes._

“I can't believe I was so excited for this torture“, I groan when the nurse helps me getting back in my bed. Luckily, it's not the nurse who seems to hate me and she chuckles slightly. “Well, you weren't excited for what you call a torture, you were excited to finally get out of your room and to get one step closer to walk again.“ Giving her a thankful glare, I slowly lay down and groan. ”You might be right with that.”

”Wait, before you get comfortable, don't you want to shower?” Yes, I would love to shower, but it's akward when a nurse has to help you because you. ”Don't worry, you can keep on your underwear and then we'll figure out how you get changed.” At least she's nice and doesn't make it more akward than it already is, so I nod and she smiles weakly. ”By the way, your therapist is coming tomorrow for two hours, we didn't want to wake you up.”

Frustrated, I groan and she uses the moment of me being distracted to put me back in the wheelchair. ”Normally, we have an extra wheelchair for showering, but I think we're skipping that and we're just going to get you a new one after we're done.”

> _Helpless, Lewis stood there and stared at the German, he absolutely didn't know how to deal with him. For God's sake, his older daughter was placed in an artificial coma and he just admitted that she is his daughter. Not to forget they didn't speak since Nico's retirement. Just when he wanted to turn around and leave before the German could see him, said person looked up and stared at him in shock._
> 
> _”What are you doing here?”, whispered the German and wiped away a few dried tears. ”Actually, I just ... uh ... I just wanted to check on her in person. But if you don't want me to see her because I'm not good for her, it's okay.” To his surprise, Nico stood up and showed the Britain to follow him. ”I have to warn you, she looks horrible. Her right knee is completely destroyed and she had to be reanimated four times since she's here.”_

The shower was really refreshing and it felt good to finally feel some water on my skin again, and to my surprise, we found a way how changing into fresh underwear isn't that akward for me.

Now, I'm finally in my precious bed and it seems like every single bone and every single muscle arched for the soft matress and the soft pillow. ”Thank you so much for helping me“, I mumble quietly, it's still humiliating to seek help in order to do everything that involves leaving my bed, but it's fine I guess. “No problem, Ms. Rosb-“ “Just call me Isabella, please, or if you want to keep it formal, Ms. Rossi, but absolutely not like that.“

> _Nico didn't lie, she really looked horrible and he felt like crying - it was the first time he saw another driver in hospital after a crash - but he needed to comfort the father of two. For what felt like hours, he leaned on Lewis' shoulder and cried, he still couldn't really believe that his daughter might never be able to walk again, just because of a stupid crash._
> 
> _Then, after they left the hospital together, everything was blurry. How they ended up in bed that night is still a mystery to Lewis, but he remembers inviting Nico to a fancy club he heard about. The next morning, he woke up to a coursing German running around his hotel room completely naked. That was a view he could definitely get used to, but he thought to say that loud would be inappropriate. ”You know I don't understand German, right?”_
> 
> _Nico froze and swallowed, Lewis' voice was so raw, deep and you could literally hear he just woke up. ”That was actually German and French and I thought you were still asleep.”_

Someone knocks on the door and I silently pray for the nurse who just left the room blushing in embarrassment because of how she wanted to call me. “It's open.“ It's a manly voice from what can I hear, so it's not her and the chances for a ice pack for my knee are quite low. “Hey.“ In surprise, I stare at Daniil and he chuckles. "Texts are so impersonal, so I just wanted to check on you in person. Oh, and a nurse handed me an ice pack when I asked for the way, I guess that's for your knee.“ If I was allowed to stand up, I would hug him right now. “Uh yeah, it is. Thanks.“

Carefully, he puts the ice pack on my knee and I sigh in relief. “That's not a reaction I usually get.“ I roll my eyes at him and he sits down on the chair next to my bed. “Shut up, you can't imagine how good that actually works. Plus I'm surprised they let you in.“ He looks around and I chuckle slightly. “How are you?“

> “Good morning, babe.“ So lost in thoughts and memories, Lewis didn't notice his boyfriend waking up. “Good morning, or more likely good evening, love.“ In disbelief, the German stares at him and he chuckles.
> 
> “It's almost 3 pm, love, last night was maybe a bit too much, wasn't it?“ Gently, he ruffles through his blonde hair and admires the sleepy expression on his boyfriend's face. “Maybe, but I absolutely don't regret it, last night was our last night for a long time, Liebling, so I'm glad we used it.“
> 
> The Britain moans slightly at the German nickname, he absolutely loves hearing Nico speaking German or French even though he does the understand a single word. “You better shut up of we'll never get ready before Alaïa comes back.“

Before he can answer, a nurse comes in and does the checkup again. “Good, what about you?“ Interested, he watches the nurse and I shrug. “It's weird and my knee and back hurt like hell, but I'm okay I guess.“ The nurse eyes the ice pack on my knees sceptical when she controls probably the bandage and I scoff under my breath. “Can I see it?“, he blurts out and turns red. “O-only if you feel comfortable with that, of course.“

With red cheeks, he looks at me and I somehow manage to move the blanket away from my right knee. “Sure, but you can't see much thanks to the bandage. The nurse just changed it and she told me to look away, so I guess whatever is under the bandage, it must look horrible.“ Quickly, he nods and takes a deep breath. “I'm sorry. Oh, I know I'm a day late, but as I said, texts are so impersonal, but happy birthday, Isabella.“

So he looks at my knee or more likely the bandage and the brace and I watch him. It's kind of weird because I see him touching the bandage, but I don't feel a thing because it's so freaking thick. ”Daniil?”, I mumble and play with the ice pack he handed me to have a better look at my knee. ”Why don't you tell me about what I missed? For some reason, they took the remote control away from me and my connection sucks in here.“

> “Thanks for watching the fireworks with me, I know you think it's silly but it means a lot to me.“ Nico grew up with fireworks and has a passion for this, something which his boyfriend absolutely doesn't understand. “Yeah, but I still don't know wh-“ “Babe, I told you it's a tradition in Germany, we like to do our own fireworks! Every family has some fireworks and while you watch them, you chat with some of your neighbours, wish them a happy new year and watch the children enjoying it.”
> 
> Quietly, Lewis chuckles to himself and watches the blonde standing up. ”It's okay, love, you know I love to see you happy and if fireworks are making you happy, then I'll happily watch fireworks with you for every single day for the rest of my life.” Smirking, he stands up and hugs his from behind. ”I love you, Lewis Hamilton”, blurts the German out and blushes, this is the first time those three words were actually said. ”I love you too, Nico Rosberg.“

Carefully, he sits down on my bed, places the ice pack on my knee again and chuckles at my reaction - a reliefed sigh. ”Sure, if you want me to.” Instead of answering, I just grab a spare pillow they had given me in case I want to sit up and throw it in his face. He doesn't throw it back but places it on the chair and starts to talk about things I missed.

For example he tells me everything about the cancelled Ferrari party, even though Sebastian won the Malaysian Grand Prix, they didn't celebrate it like they should had been celebrating because they thought _it would be inappropriate after my accident as a Ferrari Junior_. Or about the huge party after the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix and how they all got super drunk and how they forgot Max and Carlos on the roof of the club they celebrated in.

Laughing hurts, but I laugh netherless just because it feels good. ”What about you? How long do you have to stay in here?” It's apparently way better than a normal hospital, but I still want to get out of here as soon as possible - it's just a freaking hellhole. ”That's a good question, actually. I'm not sure, they didn't say something about me leaving the hospital earlier, so I guess it's going to be a while.”

> “You know we have to tell her sooner or later, right?“, Lewis asks while they enjoy their morning coffee outside. It's chilly, but with thick hoodies, sweatpants and some blankets, it works somehow. “She already hates me, babe, I need to find the right moment for that.“

Slightly frustrated, I look at my knee and he sighs. ”Maybe they let me out earlier if I move in with Nico or Keke because their apartments are way more wheelchair friendly than the Pizzeria is. But I don't want to.” Just alone the thought of living together with Nico or Keke is slightly making me sick, we're kind of _strangers who know each others names,_ but that's all.

”Why don't you move in with Max, Daniel, Lewis or me?” Surprised and in shock I stare at him and he chuckles slightly. ”I mean we're friends, right? And friends help each other out.” Nervously, he smiles and I nod weakly, yes, that's what friends do.

”Well, I'm not sure about Lewis and I don't really think it would be a good idea. Anyways, Max has the biggest collection of video games and stuff, so maybe you should consider that.“ I roll my eyes at him and chuckle slightly, he's unbelievable and I think he knows that. ”Why should I care about the amount of videogames, you idiot?”

”Hey, it might save you from boredom, so you should really consider that.” Gently, I slap his arm and he smiles. ”Okay, you're right. But you will never hear that from me again.”  
In moments like this, I realise how messed up my life was before I finally found the place where I belong.


	3. wednesday | valentine's day

”How did you manage to beat my Highscore _in every single videogame I have_?”, asks Max in disbelief and I chuckle slightly. ”Well, I had a lot of free time to spend with beating your Highscores.”

Word's can't express how thankful I am for him letting me stay at his place until I can walk again - or if the doctors are right and I am going to need a wheelchair for the rest of my life, until I have accepted that fact and until I have found an apartment.

”How are you feeling about your new car?” On the one hand, it's exiting to be that close to the whole process of creating a new car for a new season, with slightly different rules and new crew members, but on the other hand, it's frustrating because I know I should be doing this awesome experience on my own instead of listening to Max' stories about it.

”It's bloody amazing, Bella, I just sat in it for the fitting and I'm not sure if we can beat Ferrari and Mercedes, but I'm already in love with it.” With a huge smile plastered on his face, he sits down on the couch next to me and playfully ruffles through my hair. ”That's good, I'm happy for you.”

It has been a weird time since I woke up from the coma the doctors had placed me in - as I know now, they did it to check on my knee and if there would be more surgeries needed and order to let my body heal and obviously to guarantee a safe transport from Malaysia to Monaco.

The therapist the hospital made me talk to literally knows the whole story of my life, but talking about it absolutely didn't make it better.  
Nico tried to talk to me a few times, but in his first few sentences, it didn't sound like he actually understands what he did, so I told him to leave every time and then I told the nurses to not let him visit me for the rest of my stay in this hellhole.  
Alaïa and I are skyping every Saturday, because that's when she's with Keke and I madly fell in love with her. She's so precious, it's hard to believe that she's actually Nico's and Vivian's daughter.

”And I'm sorry you can't do that experience on your own right now, because that's what you should be doing right now instead of beating my Highscores.” Quietly, I scoff under my breath and he smiles. ”Then tell my knee to heal faster, I know where I should be right now but it seems like my knee doesn't.”

Keke offered me to stay at his place, but it's not that knee friendly like Max' apartment is, plus I don't have to be afraid of Nico visiting the Netherlander, so when they both offered me a stay, I chose him. And I remembered Daniil's point of him having a huge collection of video games and I am not going to admit that, but he was right, those video games already saved me from boredom about what felt like million times.

”Is the nurse still coming everyday to check on you and to drive you to your appointments?” Frustrated, I nod and he chuckles slightly. ”For a week, I can do that if you don't mind, but then I'm off to test that beauty.” Surprised, I look at him and he pouts. ”Hey, that's what friends are there for. I can only imagine how humiliating it must be for you to let a stranger help you, so why not?”

Maybe the Max Verstappen you see on TV might be the biggest asshole, ignorant and selfish, but the Max Verstappen I got to know is a completely different person.  
He's controversial, for sure, but you can't really judge a driver by his behaviour on the track - you can't replay a scene and you only have the quite shitty view from your car, also the adrenaline and frustration might make you say things you normally wouldn't say.

Maybe that's just my experience with driving a Formula One car, but yesterday I finally watched the huge final in Abu Dhabi and it made me realise how often drivers are actually criticised for what they say during and straight after a race. Specially some commentators, if you don't know what you're talking about, then maybe you should shut up instead of talking bullshit.

”You would really do that for me?” Chuckling, he turns the TV on and ruffles through my hair. “Of course, I wouldn't offer it if I don't do it for real.“  
I have absolutely no clue what I did to deserve so amazing friends like Max and Daniil, I probably don't deserve them at all. “You're the best.“ Pulling me closer, he quickly does a selfie and uploads it.

“Tell me something I don't know, Bella.“ Cheekily, he smirks at me and I slap his arm. Playfully, I roll my eyes at him and he laughs. "Okay, I'm taking it back, you arrogant idiot. Why didn't you warn me? I look horrible, dude, just look at the bags under my eyes!“

@Max33Verstappen: Happy Valentine's Day from your friendly Single™ Neighbourhood! @Isa_Racing [link]

It kind of became a thing between the two of us, acting like everything the haters are saying about us were actually true. It all started with a not that small mental breakdown the day after I finally got out of the hellhole, better known as the private clinic.

At first, I was hurt by some comments under my tweet, they were really nasty and some reduced me to Nico, which was exactly something I had been afraid of the whole time. But it was still okay, somehow, because what counted for me in that moment was that I was finally free again.

Then it became a mental breakdown because the nurse who helped me showering that day changed the bandage and I was curious, I wanted to know how my knee looks underneath it.

As it turned out, my knee seemed to be one huge scar and it looked horrible, nasty, there were little scars everywhere and somehow they all got together to one huge scar which covered my knee completely. For about two hours, I sat in Max' bathroom, only in a bralet and panties, crying my eyes out while the nurse absolutely had no clue what to do.

“Don't be so bitchy. And no, you don't look horrible, you're naturally beautiful.“ His voice brings me back to reality and I'm somewhat thankful for that. Dramatically, he places his hands on his chest and sobs. “Why can't I be naturally beautiful too?“

The bell rings and he quickly stands up. Slightly frustrated, I watch him and sigh, it's frustrating seeing everyone walking while I can't even bend my knee a tiny little bit without horrible pain preventing me to bend it a bit more.

“Hey.“ Surprised I look at Kimi and he chuckles. “Dan wants me over to discuss some stuff, don't kill him and there's pizza in the freezer, as well as Ben and Jerry's.“ With that, Max closes the door behind him and I smile at the Finn. “What the hell are _you_ doing here?“

“Am I not allowed to check on you?“ He returns the smile and it's a real one, it's one of those rare, honest smiles. “Of course you are, but ... you could also just skype with me or something like that, there's no need for you to fly to Monaco to check on me. Expect you want to visit Seb but need a good explanation.“ When I mention the five-time worldchampion, his expression changes and I look at him, utterly confused.

“Didn't he tell you we're having a break right now?“ Obviously, Sebastian didn't tell me, but it actually explains a lot. For example why I only get weird selfies from him and his daughters but not a single one with his boyfriend. “Guess he thought you would tell me. Do you want to talk about it?“

All I know is that he didn't propose to Kimi because of my damn accident, but that can't really be the reason of their break, can it? “He's hiding something from me. Before the race in Malaysia, he told me he would have a surprise for me after the race, but then he said he didn't want to do it without you. Everything was fine, we celebrated him being a five-time Formula One worldchampion, but on Monday before the briefing, we started arguing.“

So the planned proposal is actually the reason why they're having a break? While I can't believe it, Kimi sits down next to me and I let him put an arm around me. “Nasty words were said and after the briefing, we both agreed on a break in order to hopefully get things right. Bella, I miss him and I still fucking love him, but I just want to know what he's hiding.“

Frustrated, he sighs and I carefully lean my head onto his shoulder. “It's nothing bad, I promise you.“ Confused, he looks at me and now it's my time to sigh. “We planned the surprise when you thought we had a movie night. He asked me for help and I decided to help him because you two are just so adorable together. It's not like we have spoken about the surprise and my accident, crash, whatever, but I think he didn't want to do it without me.“

For a minute or two, it's completely silent and I feel horrible - I mean, I didn't tell him that Sebastian wanted to propose to him, but I still feel really bad. Then, I hear a sob and look at him confused, only to see him whipping away a few tears.

“What did you plan?“, he whispers and I swallow, as much as I would like to tell him, I can't, I promised Sebastian to not tell him under any circumstances. “Look, I really want to tell you, but I can't. It was his idea and his surprise, I just helped him. If someone tells you, then it should be him and not me.“

Instead of answering, he pulls me closer and I let him. “God, I feel horrible. All those things I yelled at him, just because he was too stubborn and proud to tell me the surprise?“ Slightly, I nod and squeak in surprise when he stands up. “Thank you, Bella, I think I have to call him, I have to clear things up. Fuck, I was so afraid he wanted to break up with me but didn't because of your crash, accident, whatever or something like that.“

There it is again, the rare smile and I chuckle. “For the next time, if you stand up, please warn me because I have to prepare my knee and ribs for that.“ But he doesn't listen, he rambles to himself in Finnish and leaves the apartment in a rush. “No problem, I'm glad I could kind of save your adorable relationship with Seb and yeah, I'm absolutely fine, thanks for asking.“

So here I am, sitting on Max' couch and being completely on my own. This damn couch is the place where I spend about 98% of the time, I sleep on it, I eat on it, I literally live on this couch. And it's quite depressing, doing absolutely nothing. Sure, I can play some PlayStation or Xbox, but I already beat every single Highscore and video games are becoming boring after a week or two.

Yes, I can also watch TV, but all day long? For months? Not really something I'm into. Plus about 75% of what's on TV is absolutely bullshit, and I don't feel like watching dumb people doing dumb stuff.

I tell everyone I'm fine, I don't want anyone to worry about me. But it's becoming harder every day to get up when the nurse comes in to drive me to my several appointments, it's becoming harder every day to do something effective. When I'm alone like I am right now, I just lay on the couch and try to not suffocate on my own tears.

“Bella? I'm back, let's order some pizza and play some FIFA, I really need to get my Highscore back!“


	4. saturday | australian grand prix

By the end of February, I found an apartment and Keke refused to let me pay for it myself. “You're my granddaughter, no matter what ever is happening Nico and you, and I can't let you pay that“, he said when I told him about my plans and after discussing for weeks, I gave up, but only because he was so unbelievable stubborn.

This Monday, I officially moved in - it took me a bit to find furniture I like and which is wheelchair friendly, but Keke was a huge help. We spend days at IKEA and other furniture stores - of course, he refused to let me buy my own furniture as well, claiming that would normally be the father's job and so he would have to buy it for Nico instead.

It hurt, but he was probably right. Normally it would have been the father's job to complain about the amount of blankets and pillows, it would have been the father's job to question every furniture I chose wether it would be practical or not.  
It would have been the father's job to chose some cute stuff for Alaïa for when she comes over and it would have been the father's job to set everything up with me. But that's not how my family or whatever we are works - we're different.

I mean, for the four races, I got quite a lot of money, but without a job it would be hard in a few months, so I gave up again and had to watch him paying for me.

Maybe he just wants me to forgive his son for everything he did, I don't know, but I have to admit that it feels quite good to get to know him better. We're going to watch the race tomorrow morning together, with Sina and Alaïa - Nico is in Melbourne as well and I am not sure what to think about that. Of course it's exciting to see the new grid and the new cars racing against each other for the first time this year, but it just makes me realise what I am really missing.

It's 4 am and I can't sleep. There's so much going on in my mind and I'm not that used to sleep in a bed after one and a half months on Max' couch.

Groaning, I slowly sit up, turn the light on and grab my laptop, I need to do something I thought I would never do. A yawn passes my lips and I sleepily type in my password, open Skype and wait for the App to load.

Instead of sitting here, still no knowing if I can ever walk again for real without sitting down after 3 steps because of the horrible pain and the huge discomfort or not, I should be there with them, preparing for Qualifying.

Slightly nervous, I send a video call request to the user I named _”prank caller”_ and wait for him to accept - I really can't believe I'm actually doing this.

To my surprise, he accepts the request and I see him quickly going into a more private room. ”Is something wrong or is this just one of those prank calls?” Quietly, I scoff under my breath and take a deep breath. ”It's good to see you too, Lance.”

This is a stupid idea, it's not like he would listen to me anyways. ”Isabella, what's wrong? You always used to say 4 am is the only time you would always be asleep and if I'm not completely mistaken and if you're still in Monaco, it's 4:10 am.” Surprised, I stare at the screen and he chuckles slightly. ”Trust me, it surprises me too that I still remember that. So, do you want to tell me why we're doing this or not?”

It's still a really stupid idea and I should have never thought about doing this, it's useless and dumb. ”I watched the two free practice sessions yesterday”, I start and swallow hard. ”And what is wrong with that?”

”Okay, I also watched every race I missed and I don't know of you heard that, but you have quite a few critics because of your dad being your main sponsor.” It's too late to stop this now, for God's sake, why did I even send that request in the first place? ”You mean, critics like you?”

Eyes rolling, I shake my head. ”Not really. You always referred to me as _”the blonde, boyish bitch”_ and I always referred to you as _”the spoiled, bratty asshole”_ , those are our nicknames for each other.” He looks confused at the screen and I sigh. ”They didn't even talk to you, the commentators are kind of making fun of you and to be absolute honest with you, I don't think it's fair.”

”What is not fair?”, he questions, still completely confused and I sigh. ”They're making fun of you and they're not taking you serious because your dad sponsors your career. You know I'm against that, but that's probably because I always struggled with the money and maybe I was kind of jealous because you just got everything and I didn't. But you also can't say your critics are just jealous, because they aren't. They just don't think you deserve to be a Formula One driver because your dad sponsors you.”

It doesn't make sense at all, he probably thinks this is actually a prank call or something like that. ”How do they think do you get a seat without being sponsored by someone? Doesn't matter if it's the own father or Billyboy, you just need the money, the rest shouldn't matter.“ We both chuckle slightly and I sigh.

“Sebastian for example was sponsored by a vodka company when he was younger, my uncle had to ask his rich friends for money to sponsor me, I always didn't know if I would get a seat next year while your father buys the whole team just for you.“

“Okay, that makes kind of sense, thanks for telling me, now I slightly understand what they're criticizing.“ Shocked and surprised, I look at the screen and he smiles. ”How are you? And how is it going with your knee?” To be honest, I'm not sure if he really got what I wanted to tell him, but I'm not sure if I explained it correctly, so it should be alright somehow. ”I'm okay and I can do three tiny steps before the pain becomes really nasty and horrible, that says it all, I guess.“

Weakly, I smile at the camera and he sighs. “Believe me or not, but I'm sorry to hear that. It's actually weird without you, or at least without knowing if someone gets hurt, you could come and we could race against each other again.“ It's weird, talking to him without insulting each other.

“Well, I miss you too, or at least seeing you around the paddock and beating your arse on the track.“ Laughing slightly, he shakes his head and returns the smile. “Hey, can I ask you something?“

Quickly, I nod and look at my alarm clock, it's 4:34 am and I'm somehow not tired at all. “How can I find out if a girl likes me?“ For a few seconds, I think it's a joke, but he really seems serious about it. “You really expect a helpful answer from me? Listen, I have ne-” ”Isabella, I know you've never been in love and all that stuff, I might be your all-time rival, but you're the only girl I can ask about stuff like that.”

From rivals to friends in less than an hour, at least it seems like that. “What about your mom and your sister? Or your PR-lady? By the way, we call her _the dragon_ behind her back because she's old and according to some crew members really night.” I can't hide a cheeky smile and he rolls his eyes at me. ”For God's sake, I can't ask her about so personal stuff like that, and my Mom and Sister would only care about who the girl is and then they would ruin everything.”

Frustrated, he sighs and I chuckle slightly, thanks God I never had been in that situation he is in right now. ”Maybe try to talk with her about something and joke about it and if she laughs, tell her you like spending time with her and look how she reacts? But if you try it out and fail, don't blame it on me because I have absolutely no clue about situations like that.”

He sighs in relief and I laugh quietly. ”Thank you, I'll think about it. Don't you want to get some sleep before Qualifying?” It's almost 5 am, it doesn't really make sense to try to sleep now. ”Nah, I'll try to sleep after the Qualifying, if I tried to sleep now, I would miss Qualifying for sure.“

Yawning, I watch him discussing something with his PR-Lady slash _the dragon_ and don't ask me why, but I do really miss those old times where we just annoyed each other all day long. Probably, I took the whole rivalry thingy a tiny bit too serious, but there's still time to change that.

“Sorry, we had to discuss something. Is there something else you want to talk about?“ Taking a deep breath, I nod. “I'm sorry.“

“What did I miss?“, he jokes and I swallow hard. “Just kidding what are you sorry for?” Okay, I should have never send the request in the first place, this is becoming weirder and weirder. “Obviously, I had a lot of time to rethink literally my whole life, racing, Formula One in particular, our rivalry and everything.“

Sceptical, he nods and gives me a calming smile. “And maybe I took that whole rivalry thingy a tiny bit too serious, I mean, we literally crashed into each other at least once every three months, specially when we were teammates. Anyways, what I kind of wanted to say is, I'm sorry if something I have said hurt you in some way, it was never my intention to do so.“

For a minute or two, it's completely silent and I absolutely don't know what to do, this is absolutely weird and I don't want to be this situation ever again. ”Okay, this is really dumb, le-” ”I'm sorry too. It was wrong to call you a bitch, it was inappropriate.” 

Someone knocks on his door and he sighs. ”Gotta go, prepare for Qualifying. It was nice to see you again, I hope your knee gets better soon.” Quickly, he stands up and I just nod. ”You've got one year to prove them and me wrong, you've got one year to prove that you're worth your seat. Once you've proven yourself, no one will even think about question it - at least in your case, be happy that you're a dude.” Before he can answer, someone ends it and I sigh frustrated. This was absolutely weird.

It's 5:06 am, sleeping is absolutely overrated and I zap through the channels until the qualifying finally starts.

\---

**Qualifying results:**

1\. Vettel (1:21:468)  
2\. Hamilton (1:21:469)  
3\. Bottas (1:21:470)  
4\. Raikkonen (1:21:472)  
5\. Verstappen (1:21:537)  
6\. Ricciardo (1:21:567)  
7\. Hulkenberg (1:22:856)  
8\. Massa (1:22:978)  
8\. Palmer (1:23:056)  
10\. Stroll (1:23:396)  
11\. Wehrlein (1:23:596)  
12\. Ericson (1:23:784)  
13\. Vandoorne (1:23:895)  
13\. Kyvat (1:24:528)  
15\. Magnussen (1:24:584)  
16\. Grosjean (1:24:795)  
17\. Alonso (1:24:950)  
18\. Ocon (1:25:496)  
19\. Sainz Junior (1:25:796)  
20\. Gutierrez (1:25:947)

\---

Somebody made it possible for me to watch the Livestream of the press conference - RTL doesn't show it and I used to complain about it a lot during the four race weekends I was able to spend with them - and I chuckle bitter, I really miss them.

”Before we start the press conference, I would like to greet Bella, I hope Maurizio made it possible for you to watch the Livestream”, Sebastian begins and smiles. ”Get well soon, we miss you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I've got a question for y'all. I'm thinking about giving Bella a boyfriend but I'm absolutely not sure who that boyfriend should be, so who would you ship her with?  
>  _[That doesn't mean she's going to have a boyfriend in the future, I'm just thinking about and would love to have some answers before I start to plan.] ___


	5. sunday | australian grand prix

”Bella!” Groaning, I open my eyes, only to see my little half-sister sitting next to me in the couch. ”Yeah?”, I mumble sleepily and look at her. ”Hello.” She giggles and looks at me adorably. ”Aww hello my angel”, I yawn and kiss her forehead.

It still amazes me that we get along that well, I absolutely didn't expect it. If Keke's saying the truth and doesn't lie to me to make me feel better, she's bragging about her older sister who is going to win the championship, just like her daddy did whenever she had playdates.

”Formula eins.” Alaïa still prefers to put French, German and English in one sentence - thanks to Nico, who talks to her in those languages, according to his father he even has a freaking schedule when to speak in which language with his daughter - and it always takes me a while to understand her. ”It's _”Formula One”_ or _„Formel Eins”_ , Darling.” Pouting, she looks at me with huge eyes and shakes her head. “Non, Bella. Formel One.“

Sina comes in with her coffee and chuckles slightly at her little granddaughter. “Did she wake you up?“ Instead of answering, I give her one of those _'why do you even ask? it's obvious'_ glares and she sighs. ”I'm sorry, I told her to let you sleep even though it's time for the race.”

”Painkillers?” When I nod, Sina quickly stands up and leaves the room, only to come back with some painkillers and a water bottle not even a minute later. ”You need to drink more.” As soon as she sits down again, Alaïa crawls onto her leg that she rests on the coffee table while she turns the TV on and I'm thankful for the distraction.

Quickly, I swallow the pills and take a drink of water. Florian and Niki are chatting about the pre-season testing and how Ferrari had the two fastest times and how Sebastian beat both Mercedes in Qualifying - much to Niki's dislike.

”You'll get used to it”, Keke comments when he comes in with his coffee and notices the frustrated expression on my face. Carefully, he places the coffee on the table and checks the icepack on my knee and goes back to the kitchen.

”But what if I don't want to get used to it?” He comes back with another icepack for my knee, changes it and brings the old one away before sitting down next to his wife - he could have taken the old icepack when he went for the fresh one, but I decided to not comment it. ”Don't get used to what?”

Fascinated, Alaïa watches the installation lap and I sigh. ”Get used to watch races instead of participating in races.” Frustrated, I sigh and Sina chuckles slightly. “What if I don't want to get used to watch them?“, I repeat and they sigh at the same time while Alaïa claps her hands in joy when they all wait for the lights to go out. ”Oh, you have to in order to get mentally fit again.”

Luckily, the race starts and we don't continue talking about me, but start to yell at the screen. Well, at least I yell at the screen and my half-sister finds it so amusing that she does it too. "Sebastian no!”, she exclaims and makes us all laugh - even though Lewis apparently visits her way more often because he lives in the same building like she and Nico, she is somewhy rooting for Sebastian.

Lewis had a better start, so he's leading right now, with Sebastian and Valteri close behind him, both are in the DRS-window.

Smiling to myself, I open the Twitter App and swallow hard - I really should be there and not sitting on my couch in my new apartment, but that's life.

@Isa_Racing: (Half-) Silbling goals: making her root for Sebastian #AustralianGP

@Isa_Racing: I really wish I would be there & driving (obviously) but that's life (insert frustrated sigh here) #AustralianGP

@Isa_Racing: Unwanted life update: my back and my knee hurt, ughhhh

@Isa_Racing: Anyways, thanks for those amazing races and the experience of driving a freaking Formula One car @F1 @ScuderiaFerrari @SauberF1Team

@Isa_Racing: And I still hate you for laughing about the fact that I had champagne in my bra @PWehrlein

@Isa_Racing: it's way too early for me, ewww #AustralianGP

After four laps, the field is already separated into smaller groups and I struggle with keeping my eyes open - my sleeping rhythm is still really messed up. 

I mean, I just had that weird conversation with Lance yesterday at 4 am and thanks to my knee, sleeping more than 6 hours is mission impossible for me. Then, it becomes really uncomfortable and I have to take some more painkillers, but after that, sleeping is one of the few things I don't think of.

”We are waking you up when something important happens“, comments Keke my fight against the overwhelming tiredness and I sigh, knowing they wouldn't listen to my weak protests. “Fine.“ Keke turns the volume down and smiles at me. ”You're learning fast.” Instead of answering, I roll my eyes and scoff under my breath, we discussed way too much for me to not knowing my protests are mostly useless. ”Sleep tight, Bella.”

\---

Thirty-nine laps later, Sebastian overtakes Lewis and Alaïa wakes me up with kissing my cheek sloppily. ”Hey angel”, I mumble and she giggles. ”Sebastian leads.” In less than a second, I sit up and groan in pain. ”He's leading? Since when?” Keke chuckles and I sigh dramatically. “Actually, he just overtook Lewis. You may lay down now.“ 

Whenever I move too fast, the pain reminds me of the traumatic brain injury I suffered from and the aweful headache I had the first few days in hospital.

Again, I groan in pain and slowly lay down again. “You're so unbelievable not funny.“ Sina hands me some more painkillers and I shake my head. “It's fine as long as I don't move.“ Sceptical, she looks at me and sighs. “Take them, if you don't take them because of the pain, take them because they should reduce the swelling.“ My knee is still swollen as hell, my back not so much, but no doctor can explain why my damn knee is still swollen.

Eyes rolling, I swallow the painkillers and take a drink water. ”Do we still have some of the Ben and Jerry's _”we heard about your crash and we heard about you liking our ice cream so here is some 'hope you get fit soon' ice cream for you”_ ice cream they send after I got out?”, I ask and chuckle slightly.

The first delivery completely disappeared somehow shortly after I got out, and after tweeting about having no precious Ben and Jerry's at Max' place, they just decided to send me a second one - and I couldn't love them more for that. ”Cookie dough?” Keke doesn't wait for a conformation, stands up and comes back with a pit of my precious ice cream and a spoon for me and Alaïa.

”You're the best.” My half-sister giggles, grabs the pint of ice cream and opens it on her own. ”She's growing up so fast.” Sina and Keke chuckle and she hands me the pint. ”Cold.” Pouting, she takes both spoons from our grandfather, hands me one and giggles. ”Ice cream is always cold, munchkin.” With sweater paws, she carefully touches the pint again and smirks. ”Bella hold, we eat.”

Five laps remain and while our grandparents watch the race and discuss the happening, we happily eat our ice cream and she kind of cuddles with me. ”Don't eat too much, we have lunch in a few hours.” Normally, I wouldn't listen to him, but Alaïa looks up to me and does whatever I do, so I have to listen to him. Swearing in Italian, I hand him the half empty pit and give him a cheeky smile.

Suddenly, a phone rings and it's the thank you Sebastian said right after he crossed the line at the Malaysian Grand Prix as the first one and won the championship. “That's my phone", I state the obvious and Keke hands me the electronic device with a weird look - with a look on the caller ID, I know why. It's Stoffel who couldn't finish the race thanks to a crash with Joylon right after the start.

Quickly, I answer the call and take a deep breath. “Hey, don't you have interviews to give?“ Yes, I missed him, but I can't say that in front of Sina and Keke. “Already did that but if you don't have time to ta-“ “No, no, it's fine, I just don't want you to skip stuff you have to do for me.“

Sina gives me an understanding smile and leaves living room to give me some privacy, but Keke doesn't even think about stopping to stare at me. Alaïa on the other hand plays peacefully with one of her dolls and a formula one car, it's the car Nico won the championship with and it was a present from Toto for Christmas.

“Well, I didn't skip something for you. How are you?“ He's probably at the garage or somewhere near the paddocks by the sound of voices in the background. “Uh ... I'm okay, I guess. It's frustrating, laying on the couch with an ice pack on my knee and watching the race on TV and the doctors are telling me to forget Formula One, they are so supportive.“

For something around a minute, it's completely silent and I watch Sebastian winning the final race. “Sebastian!“, Alaïa cheers proudly and jumps up and down the couch. “Is that your sister?“, he asks and I chuckle slightly, “and wow, that sucks. I-I really don't know what to say, I'm so sorry. You absolutely don't deserve this.“

Even it hurts, I let her jump and cheer as much as she wants to. “Yeah, it does, but Karma's a - you know what I mean. How are you doing after your crash? Are you alright?“ Quietly, he chuckles and I hear Fernando screaming something understandable in the background. “Yes, I'm alright. I didn't even speed up that much when that idiot hit me.” We didn't have much contact those last few months, he had a lot to do and I had a lot to cry about.

“At least it saved you from another McFailure.“ It was Pascal's idea to rename McLaren-Honda to McFailure to cheer Stoffel a tiny bit up and it worked, so it's now a thing between the three of us. ”Actually, the engine blew up back in the garage.”

It's time for the national anthems and Alaïa proudly sings the German one, or at least gives her very best to do so. ”Your sister sounds really adorable”, he comments and I chuckle slightly. ”She is the most adorable human being I've ever seen in my life and I think she's going to end up somewhere in Motorsport as well.“

“So the fourth one of your family to end up there.“ He laughs and I watch her smiling. “But I kind of don't want her to, not because she doesn't have the passion or the talent, but because it's freaking difficult to become a successful woman in Motorsports.“

Even though I absolutely don't want to admit it, those comments are slightly destroying me. Specially now that I'm rethinking every single desicion I have ever done, they make me want to give up. To finish school and get a proper job, maybe study something with history.

“Bella, c'mon. You're going to come back, stronger as ever, and you're going to make every single hater of yours feel sorry about thinking you wouldn't deserve to call yourself a Formula One driver.“ Stoffel seems to be really sure about it and it feels good to know someone is completely believing in me, but it doesn't change what the doctors are telling me every day.

“What if I can't come back? What if I have to give up? What if the doctors are right? What if it's actually impossible for me to sit in a Formula One car again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this at 3 am so yeah, idk, opinions?


	6. monday | interview

Today was my first day of rehab and I absolutely don't know if I can really do this. After not even three hours, I was absolutely done with everything and my whole body trembled. My knee hurt like hell and everything possible position was unbelievable uncomfortable.

According to my coach, Ed, a really nice guy, that is completely normal for the first few weeks and he told me to stock up my painkillers and icepacks just in case. The swelling isn't completely gone yet, but it's becoming less and less every day and that's apparently a good sign.

Tomorrow, we're just going to start with torturing my neck again to let my knee rest for a day or two. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I kind of missed it, spending my days with that torture. And that means Ed low-key believes I can come back, no matter what 19 of 21 doctors are saying, and that's really motivating.

It's 2 pm now and I'm waiting for Florian König from RTL in the pizzeria. Leandro is making my favourite pizza and he tells me about everything I missed. The restaurant is not really full, so it doesn't really matter that it takes him ages to finish my pizza.

When he's done with my pizza, he carefully carries me to the reserved table and I sigh frustrated, this is still so unbelievable humiliating.

Just when I sit down, Florian and the filming crew are coming in and Leandro kisses my forehead. “If you need something, just yell my name“, he whispers and goes back to the kitchen when I nod.

“Isabella!“ Smiling, Florian sits down on the other side of the table. “Florian!“ Weakly, I chuckle and quickly place the icepack on my knee - the chef had placed it in the table when he served the drinks. “How are you?“ Everyone is settling down around us and I take a deep breath. “Exhaused, I'm coming straight from rehab. What about you?“

“I'm fine, thank you, but it's not about me today.“ We both chuckle and he takes a sip of his beer. “How is it going with your knee?“ The camera films my knee and I sigh. “Well, it's going slower than I hoped, but my knee and I are making process and that's all what counts for me right now.“

“It's good to hear that you're making process.“ Someone hands me a tablet and I sigh quietly, I know exactly what that means. “We would like to show you the footage of your crash if it's alright with you.“ Swallowing hard, I nod and he gives me a reassuring smile. “Don't worry, if it's too much for you, you can always say stop.“ Again, I nod and take a deep breath before pressing the play button.

At first, it's onboard footage of Lance while he overtakes me and I scoff slightly under my breath. “God, I was so frustrated that I suddenly lost speed and that he managed to overtake me just like that“, I comment the shown footage, “and I think I swore a few times.“

Then, the footage changes and I directly recognise it. It's onboard footage from my car, you can clearly see Lance getting away from me. “So I decided to stay as close as possible, hoping for him making a mistake soon.“ I'm only seconds away from seeing my crash and I take a deep breath when Lance starts to try overtaking Nico and Pascal.

“It was risky, overtaking two cars who are that close to each other, mainly because it was obvious that they didn't finish the battle for P8 yet.“ Nico tries to overtake Pascal at the same time as Lance tries to overtake both of my fellow Germans. “At that moment, I knew I was fucked because there was absolutely no space for me to escape.“

The footage changes again, now we're watching me driving straight into the three standing cars while being onboard with Stoffel. “As you can probably see, I really tried to brake as hard as I could, but I had a complete engine failure, I had no control over my car at that moment.“

Keke made me watch this once before, as a preparation for moments like this, but back then, it was somehow easier for me to watch this. “All I remember is yelling something in pain, the pain was really horrible. It felt like I was torn in pieces or something like that, I can't really describe it.“

It is shown how Stoffel brakes and somehow parks his car in a safe distance to mine. “Nico, Lance and Pascal were already out of their cars and on their way back - I still wonder how they managed to do so, there were a few seconds between the crashs. And as he told me, Stoffel had a really bad feeling.”

Onboard footage with Joylon shows how the Belgian runs over to my car and how the Britain parks his car as well. Then, someone understood it was a serious crash and footage of Lewis and Sebastian is shown. ”I really own those idiots my life.” A choked sob passes my lips and I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down as good as possible.

”If they hadn't reanimated me there on the track, I probably wouldn't had made it to the hospital. I mean, by the time they actually got me out of my burning car, the whole race was an absolute mess. There were crashs literally everywhere and no paramedic was able to come through to me, so yeah, I owe them my life.” Quickly, I take a huge sip of my cold cola and sigh in relief when Leandro comes with my pizza.

”Is racing still what you want to do?”, Florian asks and I notice how everyone is suddenly silent, every guest is staring at me and it's making me really uncomfortable. ”Absolutely, racing is still my passion and it's still what I want to do until I'm too old for it, the accident didn't change that.”

For a minute or two, we're both silent. For someone who doesn't share this passion, it must seen weird that I want to race again, but I need it. I need the rush of adrenaline rushing through my body, I need that competition and I need to be able to forget everything for those race weekends. ”Even my plastic knee won't stop me from racing.”

Bitterly, I chuckle and he looks at me, a mixed expression of shock and surprise on his face. ”You have a _plastic knee_?”, he repeats the obvious and I nod. ”My knee was completely destroyed and they couldn't put the tiny pieces of my knee together, so they gave me a plastic knee. It doesn't make rehab easier because now I have to learn walking with that plastic thing and it's really uncomfortable.”

Again, he's silent and I use that time to eat my favourite pizza before it gets completely cold. ”In three months, the doctors and I are going to sit down and look at the development I have been going through the past half year. And we're going to discuss whether chopping of my knee is the better option or not.” It's weird, talking about everything, but I know it has to be done.

For a second, Florian seems to be shocked about the fact that I might lose my lower right leg and my right knee. ”But even if I lose my knee and lower leg, that won't stop me from racing.”

Taking a deep breath, he nods even though there's nothing to nod. ”We know you didn't want Nico to reveal the secret, can you explain why?” Chuckling, I unlock my phone and show him my news feed generated by Google.

”Some journalists only refer to me as _”Nico Rosberg's daughter”_ , but I'm more than that. I'm more than just his daughter, but they don't care. Now it's going to be more difficult to prove myself, because whatever I do, whatever I say, it's going to compared to Nico and Keke.” Swallowing hard, I pause and give my very best to ignore the cameras around me.

”It was already difficult enough for me to prove myself, but now it's even more difficult, I'm the third generation of Formula One drivers and worldchampions, for God's sake.” Florian chuckles and I smile weakly. ”And how do you feel about your relationship being revealed?” Acting like I don't care, I shrug, but the truth is that I care. ”It's not like I turn back time anyways, so I have to accept it and deal with the consequences.”

My phone rings and I sigh when I see the caller ID - it's Nico. Florian nods and I answer the call. ”What's up? Are zombies at your place? Are we going to die today? Or why do I have the honour of being called by you during my very first interview since the crash?” Alaïa cries in the background and he tries to calm her down, but fails badly.

”Isabella, stop being so dramatic. I need you to watch Alaïa today, I've got an urgent meeting and no one else can take care of her.“ Of course someone could take care of her, but he doesn't like having random people taking care of his precious daughter, it's to unsafe for him. “What abou-“ “Vivian can't take her either, she's at her parents right now.“

Eyes rolling, I shake my head, I really can't imagine how that should work out. “Tell me how you imagined that, me taking care of her. In case you forgot, Leandro has to drive me back to my apartment and I am not going to leave my couch until tomorrow morning, so I absolutely don't know how I should take care of her for the night.”

A bitter chuckle passes my lips and he sighs. ”About that ... I need you to take her for three days.” I can't believe it, I really try to but I can't. ”You know I have rehab, right? And you know I can't even take care of myself, so how do you think this might work out?“

In the background, she's rambling, apparently he somehow managed to calm her down. “Just ask someone to stay with you or I don't know, for God's sake, your old enough to find a solution. I'm dropping her off at your place at 7.“ Before I can protest, he declines the call and I scoff under my breath - _I have to find a solution for his problem? Seriously?_

“Thank you so much for taking the time for the interview, Isabella.“ Florian somehow seems to notice something's not going well and gives me a weak smile. “No problem, now I have the time to do interviews like this one.“

 _ **To** : DanBull_  
What are you doing tonight?

 _ **From** : DanBull_  
Finally getting some precious sleep, why?

While watching the crew leave, I sigh frustrated. I can't ask Daniel who's apparently doing a good job to make Sebastian's daughters laugh behind closed doors.

 _ **To** : DanBull_  
Then I won't stop you from doing so, good night and sleep tight x

God, I'm absolutely fucked. How should I take care of her for three days when I'm not even capable of taking care of myself?

 _ **From** : $troll_  
I'm in Monaco for a few days and I thought it would be nice to do something together as ... friends?

Maybe I should change his ID, now that we're kind of friends, but I still kind of like it.

 _ **To** : $troll_  
Maybe this is waaaay to early, but I have to babysit and obviously, I can't do that on my own, could you maybe come around and help me out?

The second I send the message, I feel aweful. It's strange and humiliating, asking for help, and _it's Lance I'm asking for help_ , so it's even way more akward for me.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Sure, do you need something? Tell me when and where and I'll be there x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions anyone?


	7. tuesday | babysitting

Yesterday ended really, really weird for me. Leandro dropped me off at my apartment at 6:45 pm, Alaïa knocked on my door at 7 pm and Lance came in at 7:30 pm with groceries. Surprisingly, she accepted him from the very first minute and even helped him cooking some pasta for dinner.

We didn't talk much, we watched some toddler friendly movies instead. And it was quite nice, sitting on my couch together, eating junk food, watching movies and playing with my younger half-sister.

When she fell asleep on his chest, I realised I didn't have a bed for her and obviously Nico forgot to mention that earlier. So we had to be really creative. His idea was that Alaïa and I would sleep in my bed together, but I didn't want that. Because it would mean he would have to help me get to bed and back - and that would be really awkward and humiliating. So in the end, we agreed on sleeping together in my bed with her between us.

The night was really strange, at least for me because I never shared my bed with someone before, I never liked it having someone that close to me. Specially not after my mom's last boyfriend. And now I shared my bed with my all-time rival slash kind of friend and my little half-sister.

At 6 am, Alaïa wakes me up with sloppy kisses all over my face. “Ten minutes“, I mumble sleepily and she giggles. “No Bella, I hungry!” Quietly, I sigh and look over to Lance who's sleeping peacefully. Knowing she won't stop whining until she has eaten something, I sit up and she smiles. ”Then let's make breakfast. Pancakes like usual?”

Keke is always making pancakes for us and he gave me his recipe once for emergencies. Nodding, she runs into the kitchen and I sigh. Step for step, I make my way into the kitchen, cursing under my breath. The pain is horrible and I don't know how long I can actually stand it, but I also absolutely do not want to wake him up. I absolutely have no clue how I actually managed to get into the kitchen, but I did, somehow.

Making the pancreas goes surprisingly well, maybe because we both sit down on the kitchen floor so I don't have to deal with that pain anymore. With an icepack on my knee, it's somehow working. And she's a giggling mess because _we're actually preparing our breakfast on the kitchen floor_ and she thinks it's really funny.

Then, I have to get up and I almost start crying because of the pain. Again, I curse in Italian and sigh in relief when I can lean myself against the fridge. “What the hell are you doing?“ Wincing, I look to my right, only to see Lance sitting on the couch with Alaïa. “Breakfast?“, I more or less question and he sighs. “You know you shouldn't do that, you're wearing the brake for a reason.“

Frustrated, I sigh and nod slightly, he's right. And I absolutely hate to admit that. “Why don't you sit down and start another movie together and I'm taking care of the pancakes.“ Even though I can't stand the pain that long, I shake my head - my stubborn ass won't start with letting someone else do my stuff now. “C'mon, I see you're close to a breakdown because you can't deal with the pain any longer. Sit down and let me do the work.“

Alaïa looks at me with huge eyes and I sigh, I know she's looking up to me. “Okay.“ Quietly, he cheers and I scoff under my breath.

So Alaïa and I sit down on the couch and start another Disney movie I never heard about before. She's happy and that's all what counts for me.

 _ **From** : guy I share DNA with_  
How is it going?

 _ **To** : guy I share DNA with_  
Better than you can imagine

Mentally, I high five myself and watch her. She's really adorable and I promise myself to protect her as good as I can. “Sit here", she tells Lance who comes in with three plates of pancakes and points between me and herself. Confused, we both look at her and she just giggles. “Please?“

So we sit next to each other, mainly because she lays down to take as much space as possible and the only free space on the couch is right next to me. But I tell myself it's alright, we're kind of friends for God's sake.

Before eating, I quickly take a picture of my plate of pancakes with my knee and brake in the background, upload it to my Instagram and Snapchat story and caption it with “breakfast made by A's and my personal chef“.

“When do you have to leave for rehab?“ Dramatically, I sigh and she looks at me furiously. “At 9 and I'm absolutely not looking forward to it.“ He chuckles and I roll my eyes at him. “Then why are you doing it?“ Shaking my head, I look at him in disbelief and sigh again. ”Because if I don't do rehab, there's literally no chance for me to ever sit in a Formula One car again. Rehab is my one and only hope.”

Then, we're both silent for a minute or two and he carefully lays an arm around me. ”You're going to come back sooner or later, don't worry about that”, he mumbles, not wanting to get Alaïa's attention. ”Your word against the word of several doctors who know what they're talking about”, I retor and give him a fake smile. ”My driver's probably coming every second, if something goes completely wrong, call me, alright?”

\---

5 freaking hours of neck torture later, I'm only a few levels away from my couch. Every single movement is slightly uncomfortable, but that's okay. By now, I'm used to it and I kind of missed that weird feeling after the pure torture. As usual, I'm too stubborn to ask for help, so it takes me about 20 minutes to finally get into the lift.

At 2:30 pm, after what really felt like ages, I unlock the door and sigh in relief, I absolutely won't leave my couch for the rest of the day. ”There you are.” Lance sits on the floor in front of the couch and watches her sleeping peacefully. ”Yeah, here I am. Sorry, he wanted to torture me more than I expected him to.”

Weakly, he smiles at me and I slowly make my way to the couch. ”Don't worry, we were totally fine. Everything was absolutely under control.” To be honest, I never expected it, but I'm really thankful for having him around right now. ”Thank you so much, I really don't know what I would have done without you. Oh God, I can't believe I actually said that to a real person.”

Laughing, he looks at me and I smile weakly. ”How are you feeling after the torture?” Carefully, I sit down next to her on the couch and sigh in relief, this is exactly what I need right now. ”On the one hand, I missed it, I kind of needed it. Torture is one of the best ways I know of dealing with frustration. On the other hand, I just feel horrible. Pick one side.”

A bitter chuckle passes my lips and he nods. ”It's strange without you.” Surprised, I look at him and he smiles. ”When you criticize me, I know you really do mean it. When you criticize me, even when it's because of my dad sponsoring me, I know it's not because you have no clue what you're talking about, it's because you don't think it's right.”

God, I remember how often we argued because of little disagreements or just because we somehow needed to get rid of something. How often we yelled at each other for no particular reason, how often we shouted _”fuck you”_ and other not that nice words across the pit lane. ”About your dad, I know it's no-” ”Maybe you're right about that.”

”What?” Utterly confused, I look at him and he takes a deep breath. ”I took _everything_ , yes, I mean absolutely _everything_  for granted. Whenever I was angry at a crew member, the person was fired the next day. When the crew failed to give me a car to win with, my dad just bought the whole team to make sure I get a car to win with for the next season. When I wanted a new overall because I didn't like the colours on the one I wore, I got a new one within a week. When I signed my contract, my dad made sure to prepare me as good as possible for Formula One.“

It's absolutely nothing new for me, not at all, but I absolutely don't know what he wants to tell me.

“After your crash, I thought a lot about your critics and realised that you're actually right about one thing, I'm kind of spoiled. I never had to prove myself because my dad made sure I had a seat for the next season, unlike you. He made sure the team prefered me over my teammate and I let him do so. I watched old races, you against me, and I realised how good you actually were in one of the worst cars of the grid.”

Still having zero clue what he wants to tell me, I just nod and stare at him. ”You made it always unbelievable difficult for me to overtake you while I was in the way faster car. When we were teammates for that one year, you were clearly number two. They secretly exchanged cars when you were faster than me and I'm regretting it. I absolutely shouldn't have accepted it.“

He pauses and I smile weakly, I always had a feeling that they exchanged cars. “I'm sorry for everytime when I said you just were jealous, because you weren't. Truth is, I was jealous because you have that undeniable talent and I don't - at least not in that way. Before you came to Sauber, I was the only rookie, so there was no one to compare me to.“

Again, he takes a few deep breaths and looks at my right knee. “But then you came and even without the preparation I had, you were better than me, for God's sake, Isabella, you won the Italian Grand Prix with a 2016 Ferrari engine. And suddenly, I had to prove myself and I panicked because I never had to do so before.” 

Suddenly, I know what he wants to say and I quickly shake my head. ”Listen, that wasn't your fault. It's just kind of easier to blame someone you don't like instead of yourself or someone you get along with quite well.” Bitter, he chuckles and shakes his head again. ”After the driver's briefing on the Monday after your accident, I rewatching the footage for what felt like billions of times and I realised I was too focused on proofing myself.”

Alaïa mumbles something in her sleep and he carefully ruffles through her hair. ”Lan-” ”All I cared about was getting some cars behind you, knowing you would find a way to overtake me sooner or later because I thought I had to finish the race on a better position than you. So I risked it all and wanted to overtake your two fellow Germans at the same time.”

His voice is shaking and I want to say something, but he places his finger on my lips. ”But I was too focused on you that I noticed my mistakes too late to not crash straight into them. It's my fault you're laying on your own couch in your own wheelchair friendly apartment instead of preparing for the next race like you should and I'm really, really sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions are absolutely welcomed like always. :)


	8. wednesday | secrets

 

> ”Morning, Love.” Sleepily, Nico looks at his boyfriend and smiles. ”Morning, _Liebling_.” There's nothing he loves more than waking up next to the Britain, it makes every single day so much better. ”Did you sleep well?” Slightly, he blushes when he remembers falling asleep on Lewis' chest when they watched the new episodes of Top Gear on Netflix. ”Yeah, you?”
> 
> Smiling, the German kisses him gently and stands up. ”Next to you, I'm always sleeping perfect.” Now that they don't have Alaïa around, it's way more relaxed. It doesn't matter when they stand up, when they eat or what exactly they're doing and Nico missed this the last few times when she was there. He loves her, he absolutely does, but he doesn't need to have her around 24/7. ”Let's go to the café you talked about, I'm too lazy to make breakfast.”
> 
> Lewis chuckles and nods. ”Sounds right to me, but what about Alaïa?” His boyfriend tenses and he knows that's not a good sigh. ”Isabella is taking care of her until Thursday, I thought it would be nice to have a few days without her being around.” 

Don't ask me how or why, but somehow we ended up asleep on the couch. And somehow, I fell asleep on Lance's chest with his arms around my torso while Alaïa slept between his legs. So you could probably say we actually cuddled. Fact is, only three persons - except my mom, because she was my mom and that should say it all - ever had cuddled me before and those three persons are Paolo, Matteo and Mick.

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable my sleeping position was for my knee, and then I noticed my pillow was actually his chest and what I thought was a warm blanket wrapped around my torso were his arms. I would lie if I said I didn't freak out, because I absolutely did.

And that's how I ended up in the bathroom. It's around 7 am and I don't expect Lance and Alaïa to wake up before 8, so I have around an hour to figure out how to deal with that. I don't remember him falling asleep before me, so he must have seen me falling asleep on his chest and he did absolutely nothing against it. ”God, why is Karma such a bitch?”, I mumble frustrated to myself.

I have absolutely no clue how to deal with that - aniexty attack? Acting like absolutely nothing happend? Acting like I don't care even I do? Acting like cuddling is what I do every day? 

 

> ”You want to tell me Isabella's taking care of her for three days? What about her knee? Are you aware of the fact that Alaïa could tell her about us? God, Nico, what the hell did you do?” Right, her knee. He tends to forget about her injury, mostly because she tried and still tries to keep him as far as possible away from her. ”Yes, that's what I want to tell you, _Liebling_. Don't worry, she has probably already figured something out by now and I told Alaïa to keep it a secret between her, you and me.”
> 
> In disbelief, Lewis stares at his boyfriend, sometimes he can believe the German is a father of two for real. ”She doesn't even really know what a secret is, for God's sake! Call her, call her and ask her how she's doing. Ask her if she can take care of Alaïa until tomorrow or not. And for God's sake, tell her you're sorry for being such an asshole. She's your daughter, not your maid.”
> 
> Scoffing under his breath, Nico grabs his phone and calls her. ”But I absolutely won't tell her I'm sorry.” The Britain rolls his eyes and sighs. ”If you don't say you're sorry, I will tell her you're sorry.” 

It takes me a while to stand up, while away the tears of frustration and to reach my phone, only to see it's Nico. Quietly, I scoff, what the hell is wrong with him? Just when I want to accept the call, I notice a message from Daniel, received yesterday at 11:28 pm.

Sighing, I unlock my phone, ignore his call and open the Australian's message.

 _ **From** : DanBull_  
I think you should see this [photo attached]

It takes a bit until the photo is downloaded and I smile weakly when Alaïa mumbles in her sleep and cuddles with his lower legs, she's really adorable. Then, I tap on the photo and almost let my phone fall down. In shock, I zoom in and I can't believe it.

The picture shows Nico, it's him, I'm 100% sure about that, kissing another guy. Thanks to the tattoos, I'm quite sure the guy my biological father kissed is Lewis Hamilton.

 _ **To** : DanBull_  
Uh ... thanks I guess

> ”She's probably still asleep.” In relief, Nico sighs and puts his phone away. ”You know you have to talk to her sooner or later, right? Alaïa has enough to deal with, she doesn't need her father and older sister to argue or ignore each other all the time as well.” Lewis remembers how lost he felt when his parents got divorced, he doesn't want his boyfriend's young daughter go through the same. ”We could both live with that.”
> 
> Stubbornness seems to run in the family and the Britain rolls his eyes. ”And what about Alaïa? Her parents are getting divorced, she's too young to really understand it now. But she's going to understand it sooner as you wish and it would be better for you to have Isabella on your side. If she's keeping you away from her, Alaïa's probably going to do the same.“
> 
> Frustrated, the German sighs. “ _Liebling_ , I know you just want to protect her, but I don't think she's going to copy everything Isabella does.“ That's when both of their phones receive the same message.
> 
> _**From** : Isabella_  
>  Congratulations. When did you want to tell me? Never? How thoughtful of you. 

After sending the message to Nico and Lewis, I chuckle to myself, I'm still pissed off at them, but I can't wait for their lame excuses.

Suddenly, I absolutely don't care about the fact we kind of cuddled right now, it's somehow, surprisingly okay. I don't know if it's because I've known him for ages or just because of the situation, but I'm somehow proud of myself for not having an aniexty attack.

“Morning.“ Sleepily, Lance looks at me and I smile weakly. “You just missed a new episode of _“how can the guy I share DNA fuck up even more?“_ \- good morning.“ Confused, he looks at me and I smirk. “Daniel was so thoughtful and send me a picture of the guy I share DNA with and Lewis kissing, here in Monaco. Must have been a really urgent appointment.“

“Oh, I'm sorry.“ Smiling, he looks down to Alaïa and gently plays with her quite curly hair. “No need to be sorry, I just didn't exp- actually, I kind of expected it.“ Without waking her up, he carefully stands up and smiles at me. “Pancakes?“

I nod and he goes straight to work and leaves me and my thoughts alone. It just doesn't add up at all. Nico somehow made sure to make Lewis angry at me because he apparently isn't good for me, but now they're together? If he's not good for me, he can't be good for Alaïa either, can he?

 

> “We're fucked.“ Groaning, Lewis sits down in the couch and sighs, that's exactly how he didn't want to let Isabella know he and her father are together. “Why do you even care about her?“, his boyfriend asks, looking at him confused. The blonde absolutely doesn't like it, he still thinks the Britain isn't good for her.
> 
> “Before you kind of separated us, we actually got along quite well and she was the only one I trusted somehow. And even if I hated her, I still wouldn't want her to have such a fucked up relationship to her father.“ Nico rolls his eyes, why can't his boyfriend just accept that Isabella's and his relationship is different?
> 
> “I don't expect you to become best friends, that's too much to ask for, but don't you think it would be lovely to have her and her future boyfriend around for Christmas?“ Obviously, the German doesn't like this idea at all. “Boyfriend? Lew, what the hell? She's not going to have a boyfriend.“ He doesn't like the thought of a boy around her in general, but absolutely not in such an intimate way. 

“Lance?“, I yell and Alaïa giggles sleepily. “Could you bring me my Sauber Shirt? Should be laying on the chair in my bedroom.“ We're picking an outfit for her, but it seems like Nico absolutely doesn't know what little girls like to wear. She wants to wear a dress and she doesn't have one with her, so we're just going to be creative.

When he comes back, we cheer and he chuckles slightly. “Thank you“, she says politely, hugs his legs and takes the shirt. “You're welcome, darling.“ Giggling, she puts it on and Lance and I both laugh, she looks adorable in my shirt which is way too big for her. “Now you have a dress, not a girly one, but a super cool one. Let me take a photo of you, alright?” 

Like a super professional model, she poses and I take a few photos of her. ”Now turn around, munchkin.” Doing as I told her, she giggles and I take a few more pictures. ”Thank you, _Schatz_ , that's enough.” 

@Isa_Racing: That happens when A lets me style her (she loves it btw) [photo]

Attached is the best photo of her, she's hiding her face behind her hands and it's really adorable. With the caption ”I'm A's personal stylist”, I upload the same photo in my Instagram and Snapchat story.

Proudly, she runs around the couch and Lance sits down next to me on the floor with three plates of pancakes. “Let's have breakfast, munchkin, after that, Lance can help you build a castle.“ Honestly, I absolutely don't know what I would do without him right now and it feels surprisingly good to have him here. ”Pancakes!”, she exclaims and I chuckle when she runs towards us and sits down between us, ”thank you, Lance.”

 

> ”You can't expect her to stay single just because you want her to, Love.” Lewis is done with everything. Everytime his boyfriend and he spend more than a night together, they're arguing, just like in old times and he hates it. ”It's not like she wants a boyfriend anyways, she can't even share her bed with someone.”
> 
> It's silent for a bit and Nico hates it, he's not a big friend of silence in general, but this is absolutely the worst kind of silence. ”Then you should make sure she gets the help she needs instead of being reliefed about that.” The Britain sighs and stands up. ”Why are we always arguing when we spend more than a night together? I love you, Nico, I really do, but why are we like this? Is it too much to ask for a few days together without arguing?”
> 
> Frustrated, he walks around the living room and his boyfriend ruffles frustrated through his hair. ”I have absolutely no clue, Lew.”
> 
> Swallowing hard, he looks at the blonde and he can't believe he's actually going to say this. ”Maybe we should take a break, figure out what we really want. You should have enough time to fix whatever needs to be fixed with Isabella and I can prepare myself for Shanghai and Bahrain.” 

When I come in my apartment after rehab, the first thing I see is a pillow fort with lots of blankets. ”Bella!” Alaïa runs toward me with a silver paper crown on her head and a cape. ”Hey munchkin.” With a huge smile plastered on her face, she carefully hugs my left knee and giggles.

“We did a crown for you!“ Quickly, she runs away, only to come back with a golden paper crown and smiles proudly at her masterpiece. “Wow, thank you, _mon amour_.“ Carefully, I place the crown on my head and she smiles. “Pas d- forgot it.“ Frustrated, she tries to remember the sentence and I chuckle. “Don't worry, munchkin, I forget some sentences as well.“

With big eyes, she looks at me and I ruffle through her hair. “Gotta go, your dad's here and he's really pissed“, announces Lance in that moment, comes out of my bedroom and quickly leaves my apartment.

Confused, I watch him leave and I can't trust my own ears, did he really just say that or was that my imagination?

“We have to talk, Bella. _Bitte_.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions are welcomed as always. :)


	9. wednesday | talks

“What the hell are _you_ doing in _my_ apartment?“, I ask and try to keep my voice calm, I don't want to Alaïa to realise things aren't going that well between her father and me. “I want to talk with you.“

And again, it doesn't add up at all, but I don't really care right now. Yawning, she lets my leg go and crawls into her pillow fort - damn, this girl has the worst timing for being tired. “Sleep tight, munchkin, we can watch some Netflix in my bed when you woke up, alright?“ A sleepy giggle comes from the pillow fort and I sigh, great, this means I have to talk to him now.

“Let me grab an ice pack and a Fritz Cola and then we can talk in my bedroom.“ It's not like I can escape him now, so let's make this conversation between my biological father and I. “No, I'll grab that for you, you need to sit down, for God's sake.“ Surprised, I look at him and shrug, if he says so, then I won't stop him from doing so now.

So I do like I'm told and sigh in relief when my sore body makes contact with my soft matress.

Today, we did 2½ hours of neck torture which was absolutely enough after the 5 hours of pure torture yesterday - my neck muscles are slightly sore, but after my quick preparation for Formula One after Marcus' accident, this kind of soreness became somewhat normal to me.

And the other 2½ hours, we spend with knee torture. It didn't hurt as much as I imagined and Ed said that was a good sign. With crutches and a lot of cursing, I managed to walk 20 meters today. Believe me or not, but it was a lot for me, it had been way more than the 4 steps to the kitchen and to the bathroom.

”How is rehab going?” So lost in thoughts, I didn't notice him entering the room. ”Good, I guess.“ Carefully, he places the icepack on my right knee and I sigh in relief, the coldness makes it way more comfortable. ”I'm glad to hear that.” He sits down on the edge of my bed and looks down at his hands. It's akward, being with him in a room and I'm not sure if I want to get used to it.

”Listen, I'm sorry for being such an asshole of a father.” Surprised, I look at him, is this reality or a dream? ”Lewis made me realise I should have never prioritized Vivian over you, that was my biggest mistake. Love made me blind and I trusted her instead of listening to me.”

I don't know what to say or what to do, so I just stare at him, completely speechless. This little part of me that just waited for him to say ”I'm sorry” is literally freaking out because he just said those three words I have waited for to leave his lips since the day I met him. But the way bigger part is sceptical, why did he change his mind and decided to apologize.

”When I met you that day at the hospital for the very first time, I couldn't believe it. Suddenly, I was a father and I was absolutely not prepared for that. You showed me your bruises and I didn't know what to do, your mother told me you were trying to separate them and I decided to believe her.” His voice is shaking and he pauses. ”Michael told me about what really happened to you with her last boyfriend right after the next race and I felt horrible.”

On the one hand, it's interesting to hear the whole story from his point of view, on the other hand is a simple sorry not really enough. ”Instead of believing you, I told you to stop lying even though you told the truth. Since then, I'm afraid of doing that mistake again and since then, I'm afraid of saying something wrong in your presence.”

A bitter chuckle passes my lips and he looks at me. ”Even though you always said the wrong things in my presence.” Quietly, he sighs and nods. “I'm really sorry.“ Still a bit sceptical, I nod and he seems relieved.

“When Vivian was pregnant with Alaïa, I wanted to tell you the good news in person, but she was against me. Don't ask me why, but her arguments were good and I thought she was right at that time.“ He sighs and ruffles through his hair. “What about the congratulations card I send you?“ Totally confused, he looks at me. “What card? You send us a congratulations card?“

Quietly, I chuckle and roll my eyes. “If I hadn't written you a congratulations card, would I ask about it?“ Surprised, he stares at me and I don't know if I should feel bad for him or not. “Makes sense, but you send us one?“ Again, I nod and I notice the soreness of my muscles. “Obviously, I did. Or more likely, Paolo made me write one.“

It's silent for a while and I absolutely don't know what to do or to say. It's really akward and it seems like he rethinks his relationship with Vivian. “Look, I'm sorry that it didn't work with her and that she apparently isn't like you thought she was, but why are you really here?“

Somehow, I can't believe I'm actually talking to my biological father without any insults and without yelling at each other, this is really weird. “Lewis and I are on a break because whenever we spend more than a night together, we're arguing. And he tol-“ “So you're doing this for him, not for yourself?“ In disbelief, I stare at him and chuckle bitter. “Isabella, le-“ “No, I am not going to listen to you. Come back when you're serious about what you say.“

„ _Bitte, la-_ “ ”No, Nico, I also won't listen to you if you speak German. Leave before I make you leave and share it with the whole world. Tomorrow at 9 am sharp, you can pick Alaïa up and don't be late, I have to leave to rehab in time.”

Eyes rolling, I watch him stand up and leave my room. I can't believe I was close to tell him it's alright. The door closes behind him and I notice the Fritz Cola bottle standing on the ground, right next to my bed.

\---

 _ **From** : Seb (EU)_  
What do think about Monaco?

Alaïa still sleeps peacefully in her pillow fort, not knowing how messed up her father's and my relationship truly is. Sebastian probably just woke up, at least I can imagine him sleepily staring at his phone with his messy hair - it would make sense, somehow.

 _ **To** : Seb (EU)_  
Sounds good, can't wait! :)

 _ **To** : Seb (EU)_  
Did you and Kimi talk?

With my Fritz Cola, the icepack on my knee where it belongs and obviously, my phone, I'm laying on the couch in Alaïa's pillow fort and watch her sleep, God, how can a human being be so adorable?

 _ **From** : Seb (EU)_  
Not really, that's why I asked. Are you good?

Even though we don't have that much contact, I know he's always there for me if I need him. When I was in hospital and couldn't sleep, we skyped a lot at 3 to 6 am because he had to prepare himself for the Australian Grand Prix and used to be awake at that time.

 _ **To** : Seb (EU)_  
Yeah, you? Back home again or at Maranello?

It would be absolutely cool to fight against him for the championship one day, but it's a long way to get there. First of all, I have to train as hard as I can in order to be able to drive a Formula One car again.

 _ **From** : Seb (EU)_  
I'm fine and actually, I'm spending a few days back home, Fabian wanted to show me his car and stuff.

Okay, maybe he didn't just wake up at all, but it was a good theory. It's not unusual to deal with the Jetlag with a really long and deep sleep.

I have met his brother once, right after he officially became one of us, a driver for Ferrari. Maurizio showed him, his father and Fabian around when the other members of the Ferrari Driver's Academy and I had some photoshootings to do for some promotions I absolutely don't remember. Somehow, he managed to get lost while looking for the toilets and I helped him together with Lance to find his way back - and we also showed him the toilets on the way.

 _ **To** : Seb (EU)_  
Tell them I said hello, yeah? And enjoy your time with them.

It's unbelievable how much a human being can sleep, honestly. She mumbles something in her sleep and I smile when I hear my name. Now after spending time together, I can't really imagine a life without her.

 _ **From** : Seb (EU)_  
Are you free right now?

Slightly confused, I look at my screen for a minute or two, he probably wants to call or skype with me, but I absolutely don't know why.

 _ **To** : Seb (EU)_  
Sure, why?

Not even a minute later, I have a Skype request and chuckle slightly, that's typical him. Smiling, I accept the request and don't even think about trying to fix my appearance - he has seen me looking worse, so this should absolutely be alright.

“Hey“, he greets me with a huge smile plastered on his face - but it doesn't reach his eyes. “Hey, is everything alright?“ Yes, he told me he was apparently alright, but it just doesn't seem like he is. “Yeah, I'm just tired, that's all.” Still slightly sceptical, I nod and smile at him. ”Okay, so what's up?” Voices in the background tell me he's not alone, so maybe that's why he told me another lie.

”Actually, my brother didn't believe me you're doing quite well under given circumstances and he kind of doesn't shut up about you.” Someone - probably Fabian - yells _„Fresse!”_ which means ”shut up!” - and slaps the back of Sebastian's head.

Chuckling, I shake my head and watch the two brothers slapping each other playfully. ”Thanks for the not existing warning, I kind of look like shit but who cares?” Honesty, I didn't shower in days and the only shampoo I used the last few days was that spray shampoo Max had in his bathroom as well, but I have the best excuse I can think of - my knee. ”You know you always look beautiful, Bella.”

Eyes rolling, I sigh and Sebastian smiles. _„Fresse, Seb.”_ Cheekily, I return the smile and he laughs quietly. ”Well, obviously, I'm giving my very best to come back, but it's not that easy. According to Ed, my coach, I'm doing really well under given circumstances, but I think he has to say that in order to keep me motivated.”

”This must be really hard for you”, comments Fabian and I shrug. ”It's not like I can change my situation, so I have to make the day out of it.” What I don't say that it took me literally moths of saying this to believe it, but they both don't have to know that. ”Sounds easier than it is, I know, but it's better than becoming more and more depressed every day.”

”Bella?”, mumbles Alaïa sleepily and I smile. ”Yeah, munchkin? Do you want to say hi to Seb and his brother?” When I mention the German, she's suddenly completely awake and giggles. _”Oui!”_

Quickly, she climbs on the couch and lays down next to me on her stomach. „ _Hallo_ Sebastian, _hallo_ Sebastian's brother.” Adorably, she hides her face behind her hands and I chuckle. ”Sebastian, Fabian, that's my younger half-sister, Alaïa.”

”It's nice to see you, Alaïa, your daddy and your sister are talking a lot about you”, Fabian says and I scoff under my breath, I know he follows me on Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat because I follow him too. ”Uiiiii.” Sebastian smiles and she giggles.

”You are always welcomed to visit me at a race if you've got nothing else to do.” I'm really happy for Fabian that he found his own thing, even though it's also motorsports, you can't really compare it to Formula One.

Thanks to Nico's revealment, I absolutely know how it is to be directly compared to several family members. ”I'll keep that in mind. Alaïa and I could show you around Monaco if you're free for the weekend of the race, same counts for you, Seb, but I think you have better things to do.”

”Sure, then I'm showing you around at one of my races and you're showing me around Monaco, sounds like a good plan to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is coming next? Opinions/whatever you feel like leaving is welcomed as always. :)  
> Hope you've got a good day/night/whatever it is for you when you read this.


	10. tuesday | “kind of“

It has been almost five weeks since Fabian, Sebastian, Alaïa and I skyped and quite a lot happed in that time.

For example, Ed and I archived amazing things during rehab. With crutches and my brake on, I can walk as much as I have to - it's not really comfortable, but it's becoming better and better every day. It's so motivating to finally see some results and I'm working on my _”nothing's impossible”_ -cards for every doctor and every nurse who told me to stop talking of a Formula One comeback.

While things are still weird and really akward between Nico and I while Lance and I are texting every day. After every race, he visits Alaïa and me to give her a present of the country the race was in. At first, I wasn't really sure if I liked it or not, but by now, I think it's adorable. She's rooting for him and Sebastian now and whenever I ask her why she isn't rooting for Lewis, she explains me she could only root for him or for me, so she chose me over him.

I'm just back from rehab and now I enjoy a cold Fritz Cola on my couch while watching the new episodes of Top Gear.

 _ **From** : LH 44_  
I need your help.

Surprised, I look at my screen - I wanted to block him, but realised I might could need his help in the future, so at the end, I just muted him.

 _ **To** : LH 44_  
For what?

There's no obvious reason for what he would need my help, I don't know Nico better than he does and I suck at love.

 _ **From** : LH 44_  
Keys under your doormat?

 _ **To** : LH 44_  
Kind of ...

”What the actual hell”, I mumble and scoff under my breath, why did I throw my crutches away in the first place? One is lying right in front of the kitchen door while the other one is in front of my TV. The door is being unlocked and he comes in. ”Sure, you may come in.“

Quietly, he chuckles and I roll my eyes. “What's so urgent that you decide to invade my apartment?“ Obviously, he's nervous and I sigh. “You know I can't help you if you don't tell me why you're here, right?“

Sighing, he sits down next to me and looks into my eyes. “You need to teach me German.“ In disbelief, I stare at him and he chuckles nervously. “Or French, Italian, whatever the easiest language Nico and you speak is.“ Okay, this guy really means it serious, you don't learn a language for a person you don't love with all your heart, do you?

“Spanish“, I blurt out and he looks confused, “We're both quite fluent in French, Italian, English, Spanish and German, but even though French is the language of love, I think he would be more surprised and fascinated to hear you speak German. And you Britains have such a cute accent when you speak German, plus you could also talk with Alaïa, Sina and Keke.“ God, why am I even helping him? He drove straight into me at the Singapore Gran Prix.

In relief, he sighs and nods quickly. “But“, I start and smirk, “when I'm back in a Formula One car where I belong, I want to fly with your private jet as well and maybe even invite some friends if that's alright with you. And if you and Nico ever come together again, you don't even think about doing love stuff in my presence.“ Again, he nods and now I absolutely know why I'm helping him, to escape the normal flights.

“Okay, so we're doing you want to start?“ Shrugging, he looks at me and I turn of the TV. “Then let's start with the probably most important sentences for you.“ I take a deep breath. _„Ich liebe dich.“_

While he slowly repeats it, I take a deep breath, this is the first time those three words left my lips and it feels awkward, but I have to admit that his accent is really adorable. “That obviously means 'I love you'. In French, it would be _'Je t'aime'_ in case you really want to impress him.“

The way he pronounces the later makes me chuckle and he pouts. “Never call him _„Liebe“_ , I swear to God, that's akward. Yes, in English you call your loved ones “love“, but we Germans absolutely don't do that. _„Liebling“_ would be the closest nickname to that which is alright.“ His eyes are sparkling and he sighs. “That's how he used to call me.“

It's silent for a bit, mainly because I absolutely don't know how to answer. _„Gut geschlafen?“_ Again, he repeats it and I giggle really, really quiet because it's so adorable how he pronounces the words. “It means 'slept well?', so if you want to be politely, it would be better to use _„hast du gut geschlafen?“_ or _„haben Sie gut geschlafen?“_ but I don't think anyone cares how you talk to them because you're Lewis Hamilton, duh.“

Nodding, he stands up, walks around the room and hands me a paper and a pen. _„Aufschreiben?“_ , I ask and pretend to write down something. “Please.“

So I write everything down, as neat as I can - and I also write down a reminder to never call someone _„Liebe“_ because that's really strange. “Then let's continue with the basic stuff, alright?“ For what feels like the hundredths time, he nods and I chuckle.

 _„Mein Name ist Isabella, wie heißt du?“_ , I ask him and he looks at me completely confused. “I said 'my name is Isabella, what's your name?'. And you can answer with _„mein Name ist Lewis“_ , obviously, but you could also answer with _„ich bin Lewis“_ which means 'I'm Lewis' or with _„ich heiße Lewis“_ which is kind of the same.“

While I write that down, he repeats the German phrases and sighs. “Don't worry, you're just not used to it because you only speak English and so you never got used to the different ways of pronouncing and everything. That's why Nico cares so much about Alaïa learning three languages at the same time.“

When I mention my biological father, he rolls his eyes. ”But isn't English enough?” Quietly, I chuckle and shake my head. ”For you, maybe, but my granddad only speaks Italian and my grandmom tries to not speak German with me. Most of my family absolutely suck at English because they never really had to use it and they only know a few words in German, so if I want to communicate with them, I have to speak Italian.”

Taking a few deep breaths, I look at him and he seems quite interested. ”And in order to be able to communicate with every delivery guy, I also have to speak French and in the absolute worst case even Monégasque - but happily, that didn't happen yet.”

”Your grandma speaks German?”, he asks and I roll my eyes, obviously, she does. ”Yeah, she grew up in Austria and moved to my family's farm when she was 18 and got married to my granddad. And yes, we have a farm which is owned by my oldest uncle, but he lets my grandparents live there.”

Weakly, I smile at the thought of them, my granddad even bought a laptop to keep in touch with his family and they both did their best to make my career - or however you want to call that - possible. ”Now that we're already talking about my family, I have, or more likely had, an uncle who participated in several Moto Grand Prix' years ago, but he died after a really horrible looking crash when I was five. So racing in general is kind of in my DNA.” Surprised, he looks at me. ”Anyways, let's continue with German.”

Dramatically, he sighs. ”Can we just repeat the words? I already forgot like ... every single word.” If I'm not completely mistaken, he blushes slightly, and I nod. ”Sure, we can do that as well.”

For around 30 minutes, I read out loud every word I have written down and he repeats it - and surprisingly, it really works.

”Good job, but the next time you want something from me, you don't need to kind of invade my apartment, that was weird.” He laughs and I slap his arm. ”Seriously, now I have to find a better place to hide my keys.”

”How is it going with your knee?”, he quickly changed the topic and I roll my eyes. ”With crutches? Surprisingly good. Without crutches? Kind of horrible, my record is 6 steps without them. Oh, congratulations to the one victory and the two second places, seems like Ferrari did develop a lot during the winter as well.”

I remember him bragging during the winter holidays, telling me Mercedes apparently did develop a lot during the winter, and know I can remind him of that. ”That was one time, Isabella.”

Frustrated, he groans and I chuckle. ”Not really. And I was really surprised when you called me after Singapore.”

Quietly, he sighs and looks at me. ”To be honest, I was surprised of myself as well. Do you think you can hang out in my garage during the Grand Prix here?” It's kind of fascinating how quickly he can change the topic, really. “Well if I hang out in someone's garage during the Grand Prix right here, it's not going to be your garage, but Sebastian's and Kimi's. I'm still a Ferrari Junior after all.“

“Boring. I'm going to talk to Toto and Niki so you can always come and visit me in my garage.“ Playfully, I slap his arm. “No, you're not going to. Lewis, I can't do that and you know it. Just like I know Nico's not going to be in my garage for the next five years at least and not as long as he has still a connection to Mercedes.“

He rolls his eyes and sighs. “You're right, but it would be nice to have you around in my garage.“ Somewhat between sceptical and confused, I look at him. “Why would it be nice to have me around in your garage? Aren't Nico and Alaïa enough?“

Actually, I tried to joke, but I suck at joking. “Oh no, but you know, if Nico and I ever get back together, we're kind of family.“ _Fuck_. I absolutely didn't really think about that and I didn't really want to think about that. “Kind of“, I mumble, breathing heavily. _Family_. Nico, Alaïa, Lewis and I would be kind of a family of they ever get back together. _Family_.

”And I would love to show you around, I mean, it's not like there would be something new for you, but that's where your da-” ”Nico”, I correct him. ”Where Nico and I spend a few years together, and Nico and Michael as well.”

That sounds weird to me, but that's probably just because of Nico. ”You would kind of be my daughter.” I freeze and for a few minutes, I absolutely think and do nothing. _Daughter_. I would kind of be Lewis' daughter if they ever get back together again. ”Is everything alright?”, he asks and I quietly scoff under my breath, obviously, everything's not alright.

”This whole 'kind of family' thingy is ... strange for me. Paolo, his wife, the staff of the pizzeria and Matteo and his brothers are kind of my family, but Nico?“ My mom's my family, for God's sake. “Maybe you should go now, I need a bit time for myself to think about everything.“ Or more likely, cry myself to sleep.

Worried, he nodds and mumbles a “sorry“ before leaving my apartment with the paper with the German words plus translation written on it.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Are you alright?

 _ **To** : $troll_  
Counts crying myself to sleep as being alright? I just ... miss my mom, I guess.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Wanna talk about it?

 _ **To** : $troll_  
.. no?

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Call me if you changed your mind, alright?


	11. thursday | monaco grand prix

Thanks to my knee, traveling is still a mission impossible for me, so the Grand Prix right in front of my apartment is the only one I can visit.

Yesterday, Albert II., Prince of Monaco, had invited all 20 drivers plus team CEOs and former worldchampions like Nico and Keke and for some reasons even me for dinner at the Prince's Palace and it was amazing. I have never been in there before, only on the courtyard for special events, like the birth of the twins.

Believe it or not, but I actually wore a dress. Paolo had bought it when I turned 16 and after two years hanging in my closet, I finally wore it. It didn't cover up my knee, so everyone got to see the huge scar on my knee which is still healing and I was close to cry whenever someone looked at it. Lance somehow got my struggle with showing my knee and he made sure to always stand in front of it, so nobody could stare at the scar - and I was really thankful for that.

For me as a history geek, it was really fascinating, sitting in a building with so much history. And it was nice to see them all again in person. While Nico sat with Valteri, Lewis and Toto, I sat between Sebastian and Maurizio and we talked a lot. Kimi and he aren't back together yet, but they're talking with each other and I know something the Finn doesn't.

”Bella!”, Florian shouts the second I leave my apartment and I chuckle slightly. ”Yeah, Flo?” Quickly, he walks over to me and smiles. ”It's so good to see you again! How are you?” Shrugging, I look down on my knee and the brace around it and smile weakly. ”Quite good, what about you?”

Thankfully, it's just him without a camera crew, because I look quite aweful. It became really late last night, but Maurizio asked me to be at the paddock at 8 am, so I had to wake up early. ”Let's do not talk about me, when do you think you're back in a Formula One car?“ Again, I shrug, I'm not thinking about that yet. ”What matters know is being able to walk without crutches and to finally get rid of this brace thingy, it's really annoying.”

Confused, he looks at me and I roll my eyes slightly. ”Where are your crutches?”, he asks and looks around. ”Maurizio took them with him last night, because I want to do as much as I can without them. According to my coach, I should be able to walk to the paddock on my own, and I'm really sorry, Florian, but I have to go now.”

I know the way to the paddock by heart. Hell, I know the whole track by heart. Right behind the paddocks, there's the kindergarten Alaïa visits three to four times a week. At turn one, there's the small company one of Matteo's brothers works for and at turn 7 is one of the entrances for one of those underground garages. This is my town, I know every single street and every shortcut - God, I really want to race here next year.

The security guy at the driver's entrance lets me in without wanting to see my identification badget and I wish him a good day in return, I missed this so much. Paparazzi seemed to wait for me because they're taking a lot of pictures of me, but I just put on my sunglasses and continue my walk to the Ferrari garage.

Most of the crews aren't here yet, mainly because there's not much to do. Everything was built up last night, today are just the press conferences for the drivers, the Fan Forum and the autographs signing thingy. But those few Ferrari crew members who are here are cheering for me when I enter the garage. ”Bella!”, Maurizio exclaims and hugs me quickly. ”It's so nice to have you back at the track.”

For some reasons, he really seems to be relieved to see me, but I don't know why, it's not his job to look after us Ferrari Juniors after all. ”It's really nice to be back at the track, even though back on the track would be nicer.” He lets me go and I greet the others, I _really_ did miss this. Just alone the atmosphere makes it feel like home, this is where I belong. Maybe not in the Ferrari garage, but Formula One is where I belong.

I recognise of the press agents, but I don't know why he's here. ”Mick is doing a sightseeing tour for the fans at home with Mercedes, so we kind of hoped you would do it. Charles is busy today, so he can't come with you. It's a shame, I know, I would have loved to have you two do it, but we can't change it. Maybe Sebastian or Kimi or another Ferrari Junior, it's your choice.”

Surprised, I look at the two men and there's only one information that really matters to me right now. Mick is here. Mick is here in Monaco, he's invading my home. After a minute or two I spend in complete silence, I realise they're still waiting for an answer. “Sure, I think I'm going to ask Seb if that's alright with you.“

The press agent guy sighs in relief and nods. “Of course it is, Isabella. Then I'm going to talk with Britta now to find some time for you to do it.“ It's my turn to nod and I chuckle. “Let me guess, Red Bull is doing it with Max, Daniel and probably Daniil as well.“ The not so amused expression on the press agent's face tells me I'm right, it just makes sense. “Can I tweet it?“

Ferrari is quite strict with what you're allowed to share and what not, so it's better to ask before you do so. “Of course, you can also do a video message with him later if you want.“ When I nod again, he hands me a piece of paper - Sebastian's timetable for today. “Thanks.“

@Isa_Racing: Going to show you around my home soon, this is so exciting! @ScuderiaFerrari @F1

When the press agent guy is gone, I lean against a desk and look at the cars. ”They look amazing”, I mumble and Maurizio smiles. ”Yes, they absolutely do.” On the one hand, it's really great to be back, I absolutely missed it, but on the other hand, it's really frustrating because I can only watch the race instead of participating.

”Don't worry, you're going to sit in one of those beauties soon enough.” Slightly confused, I look at him, what does he mean with that. ”Okay, listen. I'm actually not allowed to tell you, but we have to think about the future of Ferrari. And let's just say you're a big part of that future.”

I almost choke on my own salvia and he chuckles. ”Obviously, I can't promise you anything, but you have quite good chances.“ This is unbelievable. Ferrari is actually thinking of having me driving for them in the future? Oh my god. “I promise you I'm absolutely going to give my very best.“ Assuring, he smiles at me and pats my back. “We don't expect you to give anything but your very best, Bella.“

\---

It's 4 pm and the press conference should be finished in the next few minutes. Without any hesitation, Sebastian agreed and made sure to sign as much merchandise as possible before the press conference so he has time for the sightseeing video with me now.

While he had a lot of stuff to do, I did a lot of interviews with lots of different channels. And not all of them were that good, a few interviewers criticized me a lot. Instead of slapping them or giving badass answers like I would loved to, I had to smile and act like I didn't care about it.

Truth is, I cared. Every single critic hurt like hell and I have to admit, I was close to tears a few times. One guy told me I should stop talking about my past in such an "overdramatic" way - but I never really talked about it in the first place, so how can I talk about it in an overdramatic way? But there is one rule you're not allowed to break: don't start an argument with a journalist, so I had to change the topic instead.

“Let's go, Bella!“ With a huge smile on his face, Sebastian enters the garage and I chuckle. “Don't you have to do the walk before we leave?“, I ask when he hugs me from the side. “Already did that while you were lost in your thoughts.“ Slightly worried, he ruffles through my hair and I roll my eyes. “Then let's go.“

Somehow, Maurizio organised one of those golf karts for us so we don't have to walk the whole time and I can already see my crutches lying on the backseat. “Wait, let's do the video message first, so I can send it to Maurizio and ask if that's alright to upload.“

Because of my knee, we sit down and I open the camera. ”Ready?”, I ask and he takes off his cap and puts it on my head. ”Sure.”

Chuckling, I start filming. ”Hey guys! So, as I already told you, I'm going to show you around Monaco and someone's going to accompany me”, I start and he waves. ”Yes, she's going to show me around as well”, he comments and I playfully roll my eyes.

”That's going to be really interesting. Anyways, we can't promise you we're going to talk English all the time, so if we switch to German, there are going to be Italian and English subtitles so everyone can understand us.” We're both doing some silly faces and then I stop filming. ”If he doesn't say yes to this awesome and well filmed video, I have absolutely no clue why.”

For three hours, I show him around and it makes me realise how much I missed this. Being outside, being at a race, hanging around with other drivers without receiving worried looks and hell, I even missed the fans and paparazzi. The press agent guy organised a film crew to make the video seem more professional, so they follow us around Monaco.

And I show them everything. The school I went to before Formula One, the Jardin Exotique de Monaco - one of my favourite places - and of course the pizzeria. Then of course the harbour, the Prince's Palace, some other buildings with a lot of history and other places that might be interesting.

Then, the crew leaves us alone and I smile cheekily at him. “I want to show you something, something the fans don't have to know about.“ My knee doesn't really hurt, but it's really uncomfortable by now - Ed warned me about that, so it's not really surprising. “And for that, we have to go back to the pizzeria.“

Confused, he looks at me and drives us back to the restaurant. “On the left side, there is a small parking space for our staff, but you can park there.“ Doing as he is told, he parks in front of Paolo's Audi and chuckles. “Okay, so what are we doing here?“

I stand up and he does the same. “Just follow me and tell Leandro what you want to eat first.“ Before he can protest, I enter the restaurant and greet everyone. It's so good to be back on my feet again, to finally walk again. So we order our food and then, I make my way up to the roof.

“One time, we had a party here, don't ask me why. And some guys were really drunk and had the idea of carrying our couch onto the roof and that's exactly what they did“, I tell him and chuckle, “and someone had the hilarious idea to place a TV onto the roof as well, so we have two living rooms right now.“

It takes me a bit to open the door, it's old and we haven't been on the roof for around six months. “Anyways, I'm showing you this because it's quite private here, and I thought we could do a romantic dinner for you and Kimi after the surprise on Sunday. You know, after the race an everything, so you've got a bit time for yourselves.”

Finally, I go on the roof and he follows me, looking around in awe. ”I mean, we even have a table and chairs up here, so I could arrange that for you. With lights, blankets, pillows and stuff.”

In silence, we enjoy the sun and the amazing view you have from the rooftop. ”You would do this for us?”, he asks quietly and I chuckle. ”Of course I would, it's actually kind of a thing. Most of our staff has used this as a private rooftop restaurant, we have everything downstairs. Candles, matching blankets and pillows, just everything you can probably imagine when you think about a romantic candlelight dinner. Yes, that even involves condoms with cute stuff printed on the package.”

Quickly, he hugs me and smiles bride. ”Thank you so much, Bella, I absolutely don't know what I would do without you.“

We spend the rest of the evening on the roof, eating pasta and pizza and talking about God and the world.

I missed this so unbelievable much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions?   
> I have so many ideas for what happens after the Grand Prix, but what do _you _think, what's going to happen after the race/the Grand Prix?__


	12. friday | monaco grand prix

At 9 am, everyone at Ferrari is already prepared for the both free practice sessions while Kimi and I drink some coffee on the floor in the garage right next to his red beauty. With a huge smile plastered on his face, he talks about Robin and what they did during the winter break. Of course, he also has a lot of photos to show and it's adorable how badly he is in love with his son.

“Would you mind taking care of him during the race? She has to leave tomorrow evening because of an emergency and I heard you did a great job with your sister.“ Surprised, I look at him and smile. “I absolutely wouldn't mind taking care of Robin, don't worry, I've got that.“

He gives me a thankful smile and high fives one of his mechanics who has to pass us. “Thank you so much, you're literally my saviour.“ Quietly, I chuckle and shrug. “It's not a big deal, you can drop him off on your way to the paddock, if you want. Half of my living room is literally a toddler's dream right now.“

Laughing, he stands up and offers me his hand. “Sorry, Bella, but I have to get ready and I don't like the idea of you sitting here on your own.” With his help and a lot of cursing in Italian, I manage to get up and breath heavily. ”Cute."

So he goes to his changing room and I walk around the garages, looking for someone else to hang around with and surprisingly, I find someone. ”Hulk!”, I yell and literally run into him. ”Hey Bella.” The interviewer seems a bit pissed off that I just disturbed his interview with Nico, but I couldn't care less. ”Don't you have to get ready?” Smiling, I play with his hair, steal his cap and put it on. ”Actually, I kind of have to, but that's alright.”

Overdramatically, I gasp and look at him in shock. ”Dude, I would kill for a second in a Formula One car right now.“ With a look on my knee, he swallows and nods. “You're right, I probably should get ready. See you later, alright?“ While turning around, he grabs his cap and hands the interviewer the microphone. “Oh Nico.“

\---

I spend the first practice session right behind the garages, playing with Alaïa and Robin. Or more likely, watching them play. To my surprise, they got along quite well from the very first second and Maurizio made sure there was a TV for me to watch the practice. I missed this, just alone the sound of the engines is making this feel like home - besides the fact that this is my home.

It's now 11:45 am and I'm thankful for the distraction - it's really frustrating, hearing the cars and knowing I should be in one of them right now. Or GP2, I really don't care, but I miss racing.

”Daddy!”, Robin exclaimes and runs towards Kimi. ”Hey Buddy, did you play with Alaïa and Bella?” In awe, I watch the two of them, but it hurts. It hurts like hell, knowing I missed that. I never had a father who cared about me - or even knew I existed, so I don't really know how that feels. But the way they both smile as bride as possible, it must feel amazing. Sometimes, I wish I would have such a relationship with my father, but then I realise my father is Nico and suddenly, I don't really want such a relationship with him.

“Bella!“ Pascal hugs me from the side and I wince in surprise, being so lost in my thoughts, I absolutely didn't notice him before. “Hey.“ Weakly, I smile at him and he points at my brace. “Isn't that super annoying?“ I missed him being so direct and always saying what he thinks and obviously, him in general. “Yes, it is, but it helps me walking, so I have to deal with it. And before think about throwing me into the sea, it's mechanical, so you better do not do that.“

Ed tried to explain how the brace thingy works, but I absolutely didn't understand it - which is totally fine by me.

“Anyways, I missed you.“ Quietly, I chuckle and ruffle through his hair. “Trust me, I missed you more.“ A few camera guys seem to film us, but I don't really care right now. “Are you happy with how your car felt?“ Alaïa runs over to Nico who's talking to Niki and I sigh quietly. “It was alright, I guess. Not that good, but for the first practice session, it was okay.“

\---

During the second practice session, I walk around the garages. Florian got sick over night, so RTL asked me to do the interviews - and I couldn't say no, obviously. But there's no one to interview, so it's not really that interesting.

But then, I see Mick leaving the Mercedes garage and coming straight towards me and I swallow, knowing only too well I can't escape him. “Hey“, he mumbles under his breath, “can we talk? Somewhere more private.“

All I can do is nod and he smiles weakly. “We can go to my apartment, it's way more private than everything else here.“ When he nods, I sigh and walk the familiar way back. “I'm sorry about your accident, how is it going with your knee? You can walk again, that's a good sign, isn't it?“

Quickly, I unlock the front door and enter the lift. “It could be better, but I can walk and that's actually all I care about right now.“ He follows me and gives me an understanding smile. This is absolutely going to be an akward talk.

When the doors open, I quickly leave the lift and go to my apartment's door. “Isn't that super expensive to live here?“, he asks while I unlock the door. “Don't ask me, Keke refused to let me pay my own rent.“ Shrugging, I let him in and close the door behind me. “You told me you would never let someone else pay your rent, specially not Nico or Keke.“

Eyes rolling, I throw my jacket into a corner and sigh. “That was _before_ the crash slash accident slash whatever. Without earning money, it's quite difficult to pay rent, you know?“ Normally, I would tell him to sit down, but I absolutely don't feel like being nice to him right now. “Wow, okay, there's no need to be bitchy.“

In disbelief, I look at him. “Bitchy? Are you serious, Mick?“ A bitter chuckle passes my lips while he looks a bit lost, standing in the middle of my living room. “Yes, bitchy.“ Okay, so that's how he wants to do the talking. “Wow, sorry that I tried to be sarcastic. Why did you want to talk?“

For some reasons, he stays silent and I chuckle bitter. ”Then I'm starting. When you decided to end our friendship, it hurt like hell. For God's sake, you were my best and only friend, I felt so lost the first few weeks without you. I still believe could have figured something out, heck, maybe I even had feelings for you, I'm absolutely not sure.“ Fuck, I really just said what I never wanted to say in the first place.

“Just forget the last part, I di-“ “Are you serious?“ Suddenly, my mouth is dry like the Sahara and I can't look him in the eyes. Why do I always have to say stuff I absolutely didn't want to share with a single person? ”Isabella, are you serious about the last part?”

Slightly, I roll my eyes and grab a water bottle which is laying around and take a huge sip of the cold liquid. ”As I said, I'm absolutely not sure, but I had a lot time to think about everything - and that involves our friendship as well. You know I'm not that good with regocnising feelings and stuff and after a really interesting Google research, I realised I might had felt something more like I thought back then.”

To be honest, I have absolutely no clue what the hell I am doing right now. For God's sake, he ended the friendship and here I am, telling me my deepest secrets. ”Wow.” In disbelief, I look at him, this is all he has to say? ”Well, I think I have to go back to the garage anyways and this is the perfect moment to end this super akward monologue of mine.”

It seems like he wants to say something but decides to stay silent - which is probably better. So I stand up, go to the door and grab my jacket. ”Are you coming?”, I ask and he nods, following me slowly. Maybe I just shouldn't look for a boy to spend the rest of my life with at all.

\---

”Where the hell were you?”, asks Maurizio when I enter the Ferrari garage and I sigh. ”Talking with Mick but please pretend it never happened.” Frustrated, I sit down in the viewing area and he looks at me sceptical. ”You know you can talk to me about everything, right?” Even Maurizio is more likely a father figure to me than Nico, great.

”You can always talk to me as well even though I have absolutely no idea what's going in.” Kimi comes in with a few papers in his hands, probably the data of today's two free practice sessions. ”She talked to Mick and wants to forget it.” Great, now we reached the ”embrass the poor kid”-level of a father-daughter relationship - at least that's what I found out during one of my researches. ”That sounds aweful”, comments a random mechanic and I roll my eyes. ”Hey, why don't I share the cycle of my period with you as well? Maybe in form of a diagram? Or do you want it as a PDF?”

”We want what as a PDF?” Together with Britta, Sebastian comes in, followed by a few mechanics and strategy guys. “The cycle of Bella's period.“ Confused, he looks at me and I facepalm. “Actually, I would like to ge-“ “Guys, that was a sarcastic comment for God's sake, I'm absolutely not going to do that.” Maurizio chuckles and I roll my eyes - again.

And I even missed situations like this, even though it was kind of embarrassing and I'm quite sure I'm going to have to deal with a few comments the next days. 

Chuckling, Sebastian ruffles through my hair and I scoff under my breath, they're unbelievable. “I have an idea and this time, it's a really good one!”, he shouts and gets the attention of everyone in the garage. ”As you probably all know, Isabella's uncle owns one of the best pizzerias in town. For me it's probably just going to be a salad, but why don't we go there together?”

Britta smiles and some mechanics nod in agreement. ”I would love to go there with the whole crew.” Somehow, this feels too good to be true, there's something big coming, for sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions? What might happen?


	13. friday | dinner

At 8, we all meet at the pizzeria and some engineers drove to Monaco just for this dinner. So here I am, sitting in Sebastian's Ferrari Sweater between him and his younger brother and keeping an eye on the kitchen. We're short-handed, so I might have to help out, specially if Leonardo is so stubborn and wants to serve everything at the same time.

”What are you looking for?”, mumbles Fabian and takes a sip of his cola. ”Most of the staff is visiting family and friends over the weekend, so we're short-handed and I might have to help out.”

Truth is, I kind of hope I have to help out. It's slightly akward, being here with the whole Ferrari crew - or at least most of them. ”You're helping here out?” Quietly, I chuckle. ”My cousin and I are going to own this restaurant one day, so I spend every holidays here. Now they would be lost without me.” Matteo's bringing me my Fritz Cola, so I just had to say the last part. “That's absolutely not true, we were perfectly fine without you.“

Paolo rolls his eyes and sighs. “ _Principessa_ , just let it be for tonight, alright?“, he says in German - normally, we talk Italian for stuff the guests don't need to know about, but that doesn't make sense when the guests are 95% Italians. “Okay, okay.“ Fabian chuckles and I roll my eyes at him. “Not funny, Matteo almost let my room burn down.“

My cousin wants to protest, but Maurizio stands up before he can do so. “First of all, I'm happy you all came tonight. Sebastian was right where he proposed the idea of having dinner together tonight, we didn't have dinner for a long time and that's a shame, because everyone of you worked really hard the last few years.“

Said five-time champion who's sitting next to me beams and I smile at him, he's somehow cute. “I'm thankful to have you all in my time, we wouldn't have archived what we did with every single one of you.“

We all clap and even Kimi smiles a bit. _“Forza Ferrari“_ , I blurt out and Antonio, Ferrari's third driver, smiles. _“Forza Ferrari.“_ The press agent guy from yesterday joins in, just like Kimi, Sebastian and everyone else - even Fabian. “We have to members of the Ferrari Driver's academy here with us today.“ Oh God, no, please don't do this to me.

“You should all know them, but in case someone doesn't, those two Ferrari Juniors are Antonio and Isabella.” Blushing, I try to hide myself behind my hands, but Fabian takes them and I groan. “You should support me instead, we're in the same boat, remember?”, I mutter in German while they all clap politely. ”They both already drove for Sauber, so I am proud to say they're the two Ferrari Juniors with the most experience.”

Again, everyone claps and I'm 100% sure my cheeks are as red as the tomatoes I checked before the dinner by now. ”Maybe they're the Ferrari dream team of the future”, Sebastian jokes and I scoff. ”Well at least their Italian is way better than yours, _Bruderherz_ ", comments Fabian and I smile, that's way better.

“That's true, I have to admit. Anyways, we have a surprise for you after the dinner.” The way he smiles I'm not sure if I want that surprise or not, but it doesn't seem like I have a choice. ”And Bella, we're really happy you're back again, it was ... weird without your sarcastic commentaries and your multilingual cursing.”

While we - okay, while they clap and while I roll my eyes for the billionth time today, he sits down and I take a deep breath.

”Before I have to help out serving the food, I would like to thank everyone who has been there for me those last few months, but I can assure you, it was weird without your laugher about my sarcastic commentaries and it was even weirder without your _”we don't curse in here”_ comments whenever I cursed multilingual.” Cheekily, I smile and Kimi laughs. ”I taught her well”, he explains and almost everyone dramatically groans.

Leandro gives me the sign and I quickly stand up, happy for the distraction. Somehow, it doesn't feel the same like it did before, it's not as familiar as it used to and that's strange. There's something they don't want to let me know - I'm not blind after all and I obviously noticed those weird looks I shouldn't have seen in the first place.

”Please tell me you me to do more pizza dough because you just fucked up one or something like that, it's strange and I don't like it at all”, I say as soon as I enter the kitchen and he pouts. ”You know I never fucked up something before and I absolutely don't want to start that now.” Groaning, I slap his arm and take four plates of pizza. ”Bella, you just think it's strange because you didn't have that much people around you at the same time for a few months.”

He's right, there's nothing strange. It's just my imagination that's messing with me, it's Ferrari for God's sake. ”I hate it when you're probably right.” Putting my best smile on, I leave the kitchen and serve the pizzas before going back and serving the four plates of pasta.

\---

After everyone has finished eating, it's silent. They look around the pizzeria, look at the pictures with every Formula One driver who has eaten here and I sigh quietly, this is akward. ”I have something to tell you.”

Surprised, everyone looks at Sebastian and I share a knowing look with Britta, there's only one thing I know he keeps a secret from the team. If I'm not completely mistaken, she seems to be quite worried about his idea of telling the team - but I'm not good with emotions at all, so I'm not really sure.

”You all remember my wife, right?” Everyone nods and he takes a few breaths. ”She isn't my wife anymore.”

Utterly confused, everyone stares at him. Everyone except Kimi. ”Oh, she's alright, don't worry about that. But we're not together anymore, because I fell in love with someone else.” Sebastian's hands are shaking and I feel bad for him, this must be really difficult. Several team members ask for her name, and that's when he just stands up and shakes his head. ”I-I'm sorry, I can't do this.”

He quickly leaves the restaurant and while Britta, Fabian and Kimi decide to follow him, I exactly know what I have to do. ”Okay, this is akward and I'm not the person who should tell you, but the person he fell in love with is a man.”

Suddenly, it's completely silent. It's so silent I can hear Fabian and Sebastian yelling at each other in German outside - and they're not in front of the pizzeria. ”For sportsmen and sportswomen, it's always difficult to come out and I think he was just really afraid of how you might react, it's not normal that someone comes out as bisexual and says he's in love with someone of the same gender.”

”Gross”, mutters one of the mechanics and I stare at him in disbelief. ”Do you know what's actually gross? _You_. _You_ are gross.” Nobody knows what to do or what to say and I'm sure they're going to kick me out of the Junior programm after this. ”Just let him live, for God's sake, you can't forbid him to love that person anyways. Plus he knows he can't come out in public, but I'm proud of him for trying to tell you.”

Taking a few deep breaths, I try to calm myself down as good as possible. ”Daniela, I think it's better if you go now, we're going to talk tomorrow.” In surprise, I watch Maurizio standing up and accompanying the mechanic to the door - I didn't expect him standing up like this at all.

”Thank you, Bella. Guys, we should go and let him be for today, but just to be clear, I absolutely do not accept behaviour like this, he's a part of our team.” Weakly, I smile and give him a thankful look, that's a good sign for Sebastian's future at Ferrari. ”Love is love, guys. Keep that in mind and good night, see you all tomorrow.“

When everyone's gone, Leandro comes out of the kitchen and together, we clean everything up. ”You know who that person is, don't you?”, he asks when I place the last few glasses in the dishwasher. ”Yeah.” I sigh heavily and he smiles weakly. ”Why doesn't that surprise me at all? You keep so many secrets.” Shrugging, I ruffle through his hair. ”What can I say? He trusts me and I trust him.“

 _ **From** : Agent Britta_  
Can you talk to him?

“Anyways, I have to go and save the world from Lewis winning the championship and I know that you're going to make sure the romantic candlelight dinner thingy is absolutely perfect for Sunday after the race.” When he nods, I briefly kiss his cheek, grab my phone and the keys for my apartment and leave the restaurant.

 _ **From** : Agent Britta_  
He's in his room, Fabian's bringing you to him

”Hey.” His younger brother tries to fake a smile, but fails baldy. ”Are you alright?”, I ask and remind myself of something Paolo always told me - sometime, everything someone needs is a comforting hug. “Kind of, I guess.“ Carefully, I hug him and feel him tense for a second before hugging me as well. “He was so afraid of your reaction because you always looked up to him and he just didn't know how to tell you.“

It's the truth, during our daily 4 am skyping before the Australian Grand Prix, Sebastian talked a lot about his brother and he was so frustrated because he wanted to tell him, but he just didn't know how.

“Really?“, he mumbles and we just stay like this, in a close hug right in front of the pizzeria. ”Yes, he was so afraid it would change things between him and you. But things won't change between him and you, will they?”

Weakly, he shakes his head and sighs. ”Of course not, he's my brother, for God's sake. He could marry an Zombie and I would be the first one to support them.“ We both laugh slightly and he lets me go - finally, this was really akward for me, but it helped him, so it was alright. “Do you know who that person is?“

In silence, we start walking and I absolutely don't know what to say, so I just nod. ”Is he worth it? I just want him to be happy.” It must be weird and difficult for him, but I think it's cute how much he actually cares about his older brother. ”Whenever Seb talks about him, his eyes have that special sprinkle and whenever he talks about Seb, he can't stop smiling like an idiot.”

Fabian sighs in relief and smiles weakly. ”Good, that's all I need to know for now. Thank you, Bella, I don't know what he would have done without you.” Again, I don't know how to react, so I just shrug. ”Sebastian would have done the same for me if I had been in his situation.”

Then, we walk in silence again and I can't complain about it. It's a nice spring slash early summer night, it's warm enough to walk around in the champion's Ferrari sweater and some hotpants that actually cover up my ass. ”I promised you to show you around Monaco, remember? Why don't we do that during the third practice session so we're back for Qualifying?”

Smiling, he nods and hugs me and I return the hug to not make it akward. ”Sure.” Somehow, the hug doesn't make sense because I know his room is next to his brother's, so we have the same way. ”It's room 496, I'm going to stay at the hotel bar for a bit. Good night and sleep well, Bella.”

Politely, I return the wishes for the night and make my way upstairs. God, today was a weird day and I still have the feeling there's something big coming.

Leaving the lift, I take a few breath, I have absolutely no clue what to expect behind his door. Carefully, I knock and play with my fingers while waiting for him to open the damn door.

”Coming!”, he yells and I chuckle quietly, I have a feeling of what I can probably expect behind his door.

With red cheeks and messy hair, he opens the door a bit and turns even more red when he sees me. ”Britta asked me to talk with you, but I think there's nothing to talk about. Fabian's happy for you and there's some drama with a mechanic - that doesn't matter now, does it? Congratulations for finally getting back together, it really took you guys ages. Good night, Kimi, good night, Seb“, I ramble and want to turn around.

“Calm down, Bella, it's just us. Come in and chill with us.“ Sebastian chuckles and I blush slightly - this is akward, really akward. "I would love to, but I'm surprisingly tired and I don't want to ruin your first night as a couple for months. So good night, sleep well and don't be so loud, your mechanics need to rest.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> („Bruderherz“ - direct translation would be “brotherheart“ but it means something like “dear brother“, it's a German nickname for your Silbling) 
> 
> Anyways, opinions on this rollercoaster of a chapter?


	14. saturday | monaco grand prix

While everyone gets ready for the third practice session, I do some interviews while waiting for Fabian - I encouraged him earlier today to talk to his older brother so they both don't have to carry their argument from yesterday around any longer.

RTL somehow heard of me doing a second tour through Monaco and they asked if they could film us. Fabian absolutely didn't know what to say, so he looked at Sebastian and Britta and he agreed on it when she nodded. So this time, they're going to follow us around instead of the Ferrari filming crew.

Just like on Thursday with his older brother, I show him everything that might interest him or the fans at home. The building I spend years in with learning useless stuff, the Prince's Palace, the harbour, the Jardin Exotique de Monaco, a few other buildings with a lot of history and the pizzeria, obviously.

It's not like I want to advertise it, but I this is my second home, after my hometown in Germany I can't visit because of what happened with my mom's last boyfriend and the mental breakdowns I have whenever I come near this town, so the pizzeria and  Monaco in general are the closest thing I have to a home, so I feel like they should know it - one day, it's going to be owned by Matteo and I anyways.

When the camera crew is gone, I also show him the kindergarten Alaïa visits, some really time-saving shortcuts and the beach, or more likely the tiny part Nico and Keke own. It's really private there and I really like it. “So if you ever want to throw a beach party, you know where you can.“ Quietly, I chuckle and he laughs. “Yes, I do, even though I don't think they would let me use their private beach for that.“

Shaking my head, I look at him and smirk. “Why should you tell them you're throwing it for yourself? Just tell them it's a surprise party for me - maybe because I couldn't celebrate my 18th birthday - and you have Keke on your side.“ Surprised, he nods and chuckles. “That could work out, thanks Bella.” I ruffle through his hair and he rolls his eyes. ”Now I can proudly say I helped out both Vettel boys.”

Then, we're going back to the harbour where Maurizio has a yacht. ”Nobody should have a problem with the champion's brother on the yacht”, I comment cheekily and he laughs. ”Says the third generation of Formula One worldchampions.” At the end of the day, we're sitting in the same boat, being compared to family members and being reduced to our relationship with them and it feels nice to have someone who's going through the same like I am.

“Well, I'm not a Formula One champion yet, so I'm actually just the third generation of Formula One drivers. Lame, isn't it?“ Playfully hurt by his false fact, I sit down and sigh in relief, this is exactly what I needed after walking through Monaco for around two hours. “But you're going be a Formula One worldchampion one day, so it doesn't really matter.“

He walks over to the fridge, opens it and laughs. “Seems like he was prepared for your visit, six bottles of your favourite Cola are in here.“ Without even asking, he grabs one of those bottles and a normal Cola for him, as well as an icepack. “Obviously, he knows me." Still laughing, he hands me the Fritz Cola and places the icepack on my knee. “Seb told me to do that if your knee is becoming worse again.“

In relief, I sign and take a sip of the cold liquid. “Thanks, I'm just too stubborn to use my crutches, that's all.“ Truth is, I'm not exactly sure if my knee is worse again or if it's just because it isn't used to walk for two hours without breaks, but it's not a really good sign anyways.

For a while, we sit there in a comfortable silence, I'm on the small couch and he sits on the ground, leaning his torso on the fridge and all we do is drinking our Cola. And it's quite nice, we both follow our own thoughts with the preparations for the qualifying in the background.

”How do you deal with this?”, he asks out of sudden and I look at him, utterly confused. ”What do you mean?” Quietly, he chuckles, puts his phone away and sits up. ”I mean, I have to deal a lot with comparisons and stuff, but I'm not doing the same like he does while you're exactly following your father's and your grandfather's steps. To be honest, I can't really imagine how difficult that must be for you.”

Placing the Fritz Cola on the floor, I shrug and he smiles weakly. ”It's difficult, yes, but it's not like I can change it anyways. My Grand Prix victory in Italy helped a bit, because I was able to prove myself before the whole world got to know with whom I share DNA with.” Bitterly, I chuckle at the memories of waking up and being suddenly called _”Ms. Rosberg”_.

”To be honest, I try to ignore those critics. They don't know me and most of them have absolutely no clue how it is to drive a modern Formula One car, so I kind of can't really take them seriously. For example when uh ... Keke tells me I could have done something better, I nod because I probably could have done that better, but on the other hand, I just tell myself he never drive a modern Formula One car.“

It's a quite well working strategy, I have to admit, and I know I should probably take their critics serious and everything, but I don't feel like doing so. “That low-key makes sense.“ Quietly, he chuckles and I take a sip of my precious Fritz Cola. “And I try to show that I'm not like Nico, that's why I am probably never going to race for Mercedes.“

Truth is, I swore myself to never race for Mercedes, but for different reasons. When I sign a contract, I want to know what's going to happen between my teammate and I. Is there a Number One driver and who is it? Are there going to be teamorders? If there are teamorders, for whom are they? Only for the Number One driver or for the faster car in general.

At Ferrari, everyone knows there's a Number One driver - Sebastian - and it's not really a secret. But Mercedes claims they don't have a team hierarchy while the RTL commentaries claim Niki Lauda told them they had one. And I don't want to start about the mess with teamorders.

“What about Williams?“ For some reasons, he seems to be really interested in the whole mess which is my life. “I'm not sure about Williams. Yes, Keke became a worldchampion with them, but that was decades ago, you know? The team has changed a lot during that time, but they seem to be quite happy with Lance and Felipe.“

“Bella?“, yells one of the press agent guys and I sigh. “Yeah?“ Eyes rolling, I empty the bottle and stand up. “It's almost Qualifying time and Sebastian would like to talk to you before.“

So we make our way back to the garage in a comfortable silence. The press agent guy refuses to let me do some interviews - and somehow, I'm thankful for that, I have absolutely no clue how the third free practice session went and they probably want my opinion on exactly that. “Wow“, mumbles Fabian under his breath and he seems slightly unsure what to do. “You get used to it quite quick.“

When I enter the garage, I get a lot of weird looks and sigh quietly. “He's in his room.“

On my way to his room, I have the honour of ignoring every single interviewer on my way - even Kai and his Italian colleagues, which is kind of strange for me. Knocking on the door, I take a few deep breaths and smile weakly when he opens the door.

”Hey.” Nervously playing with his fingers, he lets me in and I sigh quietly. ”What's up?”, I ask and place his Ferrari backpack on the floor before sitting down on the chair. ”I'm sorry for yesterday.” His voice is shaking and nervous, but I don't know why. ”Why are you sorry, Seb? To be honest, I couldn't be prouder of you, you just came out to your team and you and Kimi are back together now.“

Sebastian leans on the door and looks at me. “They didn't tell you?“ Confused, I look at him and shake my head. “They didn't tell me what?“ Swallowing hard, he takes a few deep breaths. “Maurizio announced today you're not longer a member of the Ferrari Driver's academy, he has a last thank you present for you, but that was it. Seems weird to me that he announced it the day after you defended me.“

Surprised and in disbelief, I stare at him for a few minutes and swallow hard. “Oh, okay, good to know. I expected something like that later in this year because obviously, I'm going to have to find my own years anyways. It's not your fault, Seb, and I'm fine, trust me.“ Weakly, I smile at him and he sighs. “It's still unfair.“ Chuckling to myself, I stand up and hug him quickly. “Don't worry about me, I'm fine. And now get the damn pole and beat everyone else.“

\---  
**Qualifying results:**

1\. Vettel (1:10:001)  
2\. Räikkönen (1:10:005)  
3\. Verstappen (1:10:010)  
4\. Bottas (1:10:019)  
5\. Ricciardo (1:10:021)  
6\. Bottas (1:10:030)  
7\. Massa (1:10:400)  
8\. Hülkenberg (1:10:600)  
9\. Ocon (1:10:690)  
10\. Kyvat (1:10:806)  
11\. Wehrlein (1:11:050)  
12\. Stroll (1:11:189)  
13\. Magnussen (1:11:382)  
14\. Ericsson (1:11:590)  
15\. Vandoorne (1:11:838)  
16\. Palmer (1:11:959)  
17\. Alonso (1:12:386)  
18\. Gutierrez (1:12:695)  
19\. Sainz Junior (1:12:936)  
20\. Grosjean (1:13:396)

\---

Instead of hanging out in the Ferrari garage like I would usually do, I decide to hang out with Monisha in the Sauber garage. It's really nice to finally talk to her in person after all those months of Skype and it's good to see my crew for those few races again.

“What are you doing in here? It's not your garage anymore“, teases Pascal when he climbs out of his car and sees me. “Trust me or not, but I'm actually aware of that. I just didn't know where else to go because I'm unofficially not longer a Ferrari Junior and it kind of feels wrong to be in their garage.“

Shrugging, I notice the shocked and surprised expression on his and Monisha's face. “To be honest, I kind of deserve it, but it's still frustrating.“ Before I can react, he pulls me into a close hug and mumbles a quiet _„das tut mir so leid, Bella“_ (I'm so sorry, Bella) against my neck. “Dude, don't make it more difficult than it already is for me.“

Instead of letting me go, he pulls me even closer and sighs quietly. “What are you doing tonight?“ Slightly, I shrug and play with his hair. “I have nothing planned yet.“ Even though I can't see his face, I know he's smirking right now. “Great, meet me at 8 here at the garage.“

Quietly, I chuckle and nod. “Okay, then I meet you here at 8.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions anyone? 
> 
> _*sighs* the amount of possible boyfriends for Bella grows and grows and I still have absolutely no clue if she gets one and who it should be ... ___


	15. sunday | monaco grand prix

> “Someone probably doesn't want you to become stronger than you already are. Ferrari is known for doing everything possible to make their Juniors successful.“

Pascal said those words yesterday while we drove out of Monaco. It was nice, being out of the city for a while, being a bit away from everything. We went to a hidden beach and sat there for a few hours, talking about God and the world, looking at the stars and we even went swimming for a bit - in underwear, obviously.

For some reasons, he couldn't shut up about the Race or Champions, he probably is still amazed by the experience. The first time didn't went that well for him, but this year, he and Sebastian won the Nation's cup again - just like it should be.

It's 8 am and all I did last night was thinking about those words. Somehow, it makes sense. If someone doesn't want a woman to race in Formula One, that person has to make sure I'm completely on my own.

But I absolutely don't know who could have a problem with me racing in Formula One. Lance's father, obviously, but that's because he always claimed I would distract his son from something, I just don't really remember from what. Or maybe I just didn't listen to him at all. Probably some guys from LibertyMedia as well because I don't even think about not criticizing everything in public, same counts for the press agent guys who had to work with me.

“Bella?“ Quietly, I scoff under my breath, put on my best fake smile and open the door. “Yes, Lance, what's up?“ He seems done and it absolutely doesn't satisfy me this time. “Can I maybe just stay here for a while?“ Keke wants to come by for breakfast in half an hour, but it should be fine. “If you want to deal with my granddad, sure.“ Giving me a thankful smile, he enters the apartment and chuckles.

“That shouldn't be a problem, I already met him yesterday.“ Surprised, I look at him, why did nobody mention that to me? ”You know, he became a Formula One worldchampion with Williams, I'm racing for Williams right now ... ”, he starts and I roll my eyes, sadly, it makes sense.

"Right, I tend to not think about his archievments in Formula One, makes life more easier.” Like he never left, he goes straight into the kitchen and I roll my eyes again. ”You know I can walk again, right? So there's no need for yo-” ”Just sit down, Bella, and stop complaining about me wanting to be a Gentleman. How is everything going?“

Sighing, I sit down on the couch and slightly shake my head, Lance Stroll is unbelievable. ”To be honest, I have absolutely no clue. Apparently, Ferrari wants to kick me out of their damn Junior programm after this Grand Prix for no obvious reasons and my knee kind of was already better.”

Bitter, I chuckle and I hear a glass smashing on the ground. ”What?", he yells in disbelief and literally runs to me, ”why the hell do they want to kick you out? You're the most successful Ferrari Junior they ever had, with one victory in four races.”

Acting like I don't care, I shrug and he shakes his head. ”I might have told a mechanic he was gross, but that was just defense, for God's sake. It's not my fault he was a homophobic pain in my arse.”

Weakly, he smiles and sits down next to me. ”So someone came out and you protected that person because he or she means something to you.” Damn, he knows me well. ”Yes. It wasn't really a come out ... uh, a staff member saw her girlfriend on the street, ran out and kissed her right in front of the crew”, I lie, wanting to protect Sebastian and Kimi as good as possible.

“And because the staff of the pizzeria is kind of a part of your family, you protected her. That's you, that shouldn't be a reason to kick you out - if they don't like your protectiveness over people you care about, they shouldn't have taken you in the first place.“ Careful, he ruffles through my hair, I slap his arm and he stands up. “Then you have to make sure they're going to regret it, letting you go that easily.“

He disappears in the kitchen, only to come back with two mugs of hot chocolate a few seconds later. “And how? I have to find a team that's willing to take me, you dumbass.“ Chuckling, he hands me the bigger mug and sits down next to me again. “Actually, Felipe is going to retire at the end of the season. Or more likely, Williams wants someone younger on my side and who would be better than the granddaughter of the man who became a Formula One worldchampion with the team?“

Almost, I choke on my hot chocolate and stare at him in utterly disbelief. “Are you fucking serious? You want to have me as your teammate? After every crash we had?“ When he laughs slightly, I really want to slap him, but decide to not do it. “Yes, I'm serious. A lot has changed since then, we changed as well. And I think nobody could say no to you, because of Keke.“

The bell rings and before I stand up, he's already up and opens the door. “Good mo- Lance? What are _you_ doing in _my granddaughter's_ apartment?“ Okay, this is akward. Really akward. “My parents are arguing, as well as most of the crew and I wanted to check on her before the race, so t-“ “You didn't sleep with her?“

“Keke, what the hell are you thinking of me?", I disturb their really akward conversation and stand up. “He came by not even half an hour ago, asking if he could stay here for a while and I let him, nothing happened.“ Lance's cheek have the colour of a tomato, and mine are probably just looking like his. “I just wanted to make sure I didn't disturb you.“ 

\---

The breakfast wasn't less akward and it seemed like Keke thought it was fun, making us blush like idiots and rolling our eyes syncretic. Happily, he had to leave earlier than usual because some guys of Williams wanted to talk with him. But even when he left, we sat there in an akward silence and didn't even dare to look up.

Just in time for the driver's parade, I arrive at the best seats - reserved for Prince Albert and everyone he invited. And he invited me for some reasons, probably he wants to have some explanations what they're doing on the track or something like that.

To be honest, I absolutely don't care because it means I don't have to hang out in the Williams or Sauber Garage. Lance made sure to tell every single crew member it would be okay if I was in his garage, but for the moment, I prefer those seats here.

Before the driver's parade starts, the Prince and his guests - which obviously includes me - have to pose for a lot of photos for the media, but again, I still prefer this over a garage right now.

\---

Before it's time for the national anthem, I excuse myself and go on the track, it's something I did really miss. ”Seb!”, I yell and to my surprise, he turns around. ”I know you normally don't want to talk before the race, but I wanted to wish you good luck - not like you need it anyways.” Smiling, he hugs me and kisses my forehead. ”Thanks, Bella.“ With a smile plastered on my face, I look up to him and he chuckles slightly. “I want to meet you on the podium, together with Kimi.“

With that, I turn around and wish each other good luck as well - this time, I don't care about our normal relationship, I just want them to have a good race.

In time for the national anthem, I'm back on my seat and I sing it together with the Prince, his other guests and most of the audience. The atmosphere is amazing and I can't wait to race here, to finally win here at home. And I absolutely can wait to race again in general, it's about time to finally sit in a Formula One car again.

\---

260.286 kilometres or 78 laps later, Sebastian is the first one to cross the line, followed by Kimi and Max. Lewis had an engine failure and Valteri crashed into his teammate when the Britain suddenly lost power. Daniel had some problems with his brakes, so P4 is the best he could do. Felipe, Nico, Daniil, Esteban Gutierrez, Joylon and Pascal are completing the top ten.

Normally, LibertyMedia asks someone to do the podium interviews, but Prince Albert asked Charles and me to do it together. He's one of the few Monégasque people in motorsports, so it makes sense to let him do it - and I've kind of grown up here.

So after the presentation ceremony, we both join the three drivers on the podium. “First of all, _Herzlichen Glückwunsch_ , Sebastian!“ Confused, he looks at me and chuckles. “God, you really confused me before the race. Thanks, it was really difficult.“

Standing is not really comfortable for me, so I sit down and laugh when they all do the same. ”Tell us _everything_.” While he talks about the problems he had with his engine, I take a sip of his champagne.

”Congratulations on P2, how was the race for you, Kimi?”, asks Charles and he smiles weakly. ”Bwoah, it was alright. Like Sebastian, I really had problems with my engines and there were times I thought I have to end my race, so I'm really happy with P2.”

Now, the Finn has his pokerface plastered on his face and places his Ferrari cap on my head. “Describe this race in ... let's say in three words.“ I'm impressed how well Charles prepared himself for this - I absolutely didn't prepare myself for this.

“Probelms, heat and strategy.“ Sighing, I ruffle through his hair and mumble a ”the day's going to end better, I promise you” in his ear before turning towards Max. ”Congratulations to you as well, how does it feel to be on the podium at home?”

Quietly, he chuckles and waves to the crowd watching us. ”It's awesome, it would have been even more amazing to win here, but P3 was the maximum today. Probably, I should have listened to your explanations of how to race here on RTL, but I didn't.”

Sebastian smirks and takes a sip of his champagne. ”That was the difference, Kimi and I listened to her explanations all night long.” We both break out in laugher and Max puts. ”No, seriously, you know the streets here bette-” ”Hey, I'm the Monégasque here, not her!”, comments Charles and shakes his head dramatically.

”Anyways”, Max says and I chuckle, ”the pace was good, but Ferrari was too far away for me. The fans are awesome - like always - and the track's one of my favorites, I just love to race at home.”

Together with them, we go backstage and Sebastian pulls me into a close hug - I absolutely don't know why, but it seems like hugging is in right now. ”I'm so nervous”, he mumbles and I give him a reassuring smile. ”Don't worry, do your press conference and everything and don't think about it, it's going to be fine. You're going to be fine, you love him, he loves you, it literally can't go wrong."

The atmosphere is amazing, but I still have that weird feeling something is going to happen and I hate it. ”You're probably right, I'll text you later.“

Quickly, he lets me go and follows his boyfriend and Max go the press conference. “That was fun.“ Charles chuckles and I smile. “Yeah, it was.“ Grabbing my phone, I tell him to meet me on Tuesday at the gym like usual and quickly leave the whole area of the race.

For today, I've had enough and I couldn't care less about Ferrari right now. All I want to do is sleeping - and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

\---

In the middle of the night, I wake up because of weird voices. It sounds like someone tries to break in and panicking, I try to find my phone in the dark. “Fuck“, I mutter under my breath when the lights in the living room are turned on. “Isabella? I know you're here and you know you can't escape me, so why don't you just come out?“ _Shit._


	16. monday | “never give up“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! trigger warning (mention of Rape, kind of mention of suicidal thoughts - _so don't read it unless you feel comfortable with it _) ¡¡¡__

Voices are around me. I don't understand them and I can't say who is speaking, but I hear the sound of voices. My whole body hurts and I have a headache you would normally expect after the first big party. Memories of last night are coming back and the next thing I know is staring at Sebastian.

”So ... so that wasn't just one of those nightmares?”, I mumble and see a reflection of me in the window. I've got a black eye and several bruises in my face and on my neck, I don't want to know how the rest of my body must look like.

”No, it wasn't.” His voice is unbelievable calm and I slowly try to sit up - but fail badly, my lower stomach hurts like hell. ”How are you? The nurse told me to expect tears, an aniexty attack or something like that, but you show no emotions at all.” I want to move a bit to the side, but for some reasons, it's really painful. Just please don't let it be my knee.

> _I've battled demons that won't let me sleep_  
>  _Called to the sea but she abandoned me_

At first, I want to shrug but notice it's a really bad idea as well. ”It's ... well it's not the first time, so I kind of learned to deal with everything. The flashbacks, the nightmares and sleepless nights, the sudden aniexty of being in a crowd and stuff like that.” My voice is shaking and I chuckle bitter. ”And don't start with _'it's not your fault, he knocked you out before yo-_ ” ”How did you know that?”, he asks in surprise because he obviously didn't mention it.

”After not being able to explain the scratches I left on him, he knocked me out as a punishment and he liked it even more.” I notice tears streaming down my face and try to calm myself down, he's not worth it. Not at all. ”The police said he couldn't have done it alone, there's at least one other pair of fingerprints in your apartment. Kimi and I wanted to check on you because you didn't answer our texts after 14 hours.”

> _But I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no_  
>  _No, I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no_

On the one hand, I'm kind of glad it wasn't Paolo, Nico or Keke who found me, but on the other hand, that means they saw me probably naked, laying somewhere just like they left me. I can't let him control me again, I just can't.

”We're going to stay here for the week, the doctor said it would be better for you to have some people around. Paolo's going to visit you tomorrow, he just arrived at your grandparents when he got the call. Oh, Kimi, Lewis, Keke and Nico are waiting outside.”

Weakly, I nod and sigh quietly. ”Do you know if I can shower or just sit in a bathtub for three years until I get rid off this dirty feeling?” Giving up is the easiest option, yes, but I can't give up. I can't give up because if I do, that means he won. And I just can't let him win.

”No, but I can ask. Hanna's here in Monaco as well, I wanted to pick up the kids this morning but I couldn't leave you here. At first she was pissed, but when she heard about you, she decided to come to Monaco as well, so if you need a lady to talk to ... ”, he says and I notice he's not really comfortable with her being here. ”To he honest, I just want to forget it. Talking makes it worse.”

> _And I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_  
>  _I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_

”Why does talking make it worse?” Wincing, I turn my head towards the door and see Nico who's standing in the door. ”For God's sake, I'm literally _blind_ on my right eye, you just can't sneak in like that.” Eyes rolling, he sits down on a chair next to Sebastian on the left side of my bed. ”But to answer your question, talking makes it worse because I made the experience nobody believes you when you tell them.”

Both men look at me with a worried expression on their faces and I sigh. ”Guys, I really appreciate your worry about me and everything, but you don't have to worry about me. In case it makes you feel better, I can promise you I don't intend to give up and let that asshole win. He already made it impossible for me to go back to my hometown, I can't let him make it impossible for me to live my life here in Monaco as well.”

> _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_

Then, a nurse comes in and tells them to let me alone for an hour, apparently, I need to rest. Sebastian nods and leaves the room quickly, but not before giving me an reassuring smile. ”Nico?”, I mumble and already hate the silence in my fucking hospital room. „ _Ja_ , Bella?” In the door, he turns around and looks at me confused, he absolutely didn't expect me to talk to him and to be honest, I absolutely didn't expect me to talk to him either.

”Can you turn some music on? Or the TV? As long as it's not silent in here, everything's fine by me.” Quickly, he nods and looks around the room. I do the same and quietly groan when I notice I probably got the only room without a TV. ”Your phone's probably still in your apartment, Keke and I wanted to go there anyways to pack some stuff for you, so I'll look for it.”

Frustrated, I sigh, that means I have to find a way to deal with this silence. ”But as long as you're in here, I'm just leaving my phone here. Download as much music as you want and if you need something, just text Sebastian, Kimi, Lewis or Keke, alright?”

Surprised, I watch him placing his phone on the small table on my left side and he smiles weakly. ”Code is the day I got to know I was a father, rest well, Isabella.”

> _Oh yeah, I'm haunted by the distant past_  
>  _Called to the skies but she was overcast_

After downloading some songs, I place the phone on the table again and sigh in relief. Nico probably didn't realise it, but he just literally saved me from a few aniexty slash panic attacks. Yes, there are sometimes flashbacks, but the silence is my biggest trigger. That's why I always sleep with an open window, because there are always noices on the streets of Monaco. Or when I travel, I usually have my music on shuffle ready quiet.

> _But I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no_  
>  _No, I won't never give up, no, never give up, no, no_

After about half an hour of just listening to the downloaded songs, I get bored. So I grab his phone, unlock it and open the browser, type in 'instagram.com' and wait for the page to load.

There's one thing I feel like I should do, but I'm not sure about it. While the page still loads, I open his contacts and scroll down until I found the one contact I looked for.

 _ **To** : Räikkönnen_  
Can you come up? If there's a nurse who tells you to not come by, tell her it's urgent. x Bella

Usually Sebastian has the best advices you could ask for, but this is a topic he doesn't know much about at all. Lewis knows more about it, I'm quite certain about that, but I don't really want to see him as long as I don't know how much he knows.

 _ **From** : Räikkönnen_  
I'm on my way, my lady.

> _And I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_  
>  _I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_

When someone knocks on my door, I sigh in relief and tell him to come in. ”What's so urgent, Bella?”, he asks while sitting down and I'm somehow thankful he doesn't think about asking how I am right now. ”It's not that urgent, but it means a lot to me, so ... Anyways, you know we as kind of celebrities have a lot of people we can address, right? And don't ask me why, I absolutely can't explain it, but I feel like I should share this with the world.”

Shocked and surprised, he looks at me and nods slightly. ”If you feel strong enough to share it, then I think you should do it. There are a lot of victims who keep it a secret, maybe one or two decide to talk to someone about what happened to them.” Reliefed that he exactly understands my point of view, I nod. ”Would you ... maybe help with writing something for Instagram?”

> _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_  
>  _I'll find my way, find my way home, oh, oh, oh_
> 
> _Never give up, never give up_  
>  _Never give up, never give up_  
>  _No, no, oooh_

It takes us almost two hours to write something down. It was more difficult than I thought, writing about what happened without going too much into detail. We also had to take a few small breaks because he had tears in his eyes and just wanted to hug me - at first, it was uncomfortable and really aweful for me, but it's Kimi, for God's sake. He might seem like he doesn't know emotions at all, but I know I can trust him. Sebastian trusts him and I trust Sebastian.

”I know you don't want it, but I think about asking Britta to help you with dealing with the publicity. Seb has already imaginary adopted you, so that shouldn't really be a problem. Yes, I know you don't need her help, but it can't harm you having someone who deals with the media almost every day on your side.”

> _And I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_  
>  _I won't let you get me down_  
>  _I'll keep gettin' up when I hit the ground_  
>  _Oh, never give up, no, never give up no, no, oh_

Two hours later, I upload a photo of me with my black eye, the bruises and everything on Instagram.

The caption is:

_! Trigger warning (I just want you to stay safe.) !_  
_When I was 8 years old, I was sexually abused for the first time. I blamed myself for it and tried to get as far away as possible from him - but no adult I told my story listened._  
_For almost two years, I lived together with him. It was horrible, painful and degrading._  
_Somehow, I found my own way to deal with it, I found my escape in comics and racing. Whenever it happened, I spend the rest of the day in my room, reading comics and dreaming of becoming a superhero who could prevent sexual abuse. Or I took the bus to the nearest karting track and practiced, it depended on a lot of stuff what I did after it._

_For around 4 years, I couldn't look a man in the eyes and I couldn't make eye contact with a man without getting an aniexty slash panic attack and wanting to sit in a bathtub for at least a decade. Sometimes, it still triggers me slightly, but I taught myself how to deal with it the best way. Also, I can't really deal with emotions, specially with anger, because ... well, he used me to get rid off his anger, his frustration, whatever he wanted to get rid off. I was literally his personal punching bag._

_Last night, it happened again. He broke into my apartment, knocked me out (that's why I've got the back eye, it's no make up, it's real) and did it. I feel aweful, yes, and I just want to sit in a bathtub for the next 30 years, but I know it wasn't my fault. He decided to do it. I didn't ask for it, I absolutely didn't. The victim is the only person who's not to blame for rape and abuse is not a joke._

_My rapist made it impossible for me to go back to my hometown or to towns near it, I tried it a few times and was a crying mess when we were around 50 km away._

_Don't keep it for yourself, please don't. My nine years old had a emergency plan how to kill myself because no grown-up believed me. My Instagram/Twitter/E-mail/whatever is always opened for you in case you've got no one to talk to._

_Anyways, stay safe y'all._  
_Love, Bella_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blame my English teacher for the song, we had to analyse it and I couldn't get out of my head. 
> 
> Anyways, opinions? What's going to happen next? Any theories/ideas/whatever why it all happened in ... not even a year? 
> 
>  
> 
> _(I just know how to interpret every single word because I briefly know where I want to go with this story, but you (hopefully) don't and I think it's interesting to see how other people interpret what I write.) ___


	17. wednesday | 'home'

Sunday, I was finally released from hospital. I'm not allowed to leave my bed because of the internal bleeding except for going to the toilet and everything.

Okay, it's not like I can leave my bed on my own anyways. For some reasons, he - or more likely, they - actually targeted my knee. Not really my knee, only the lower part of it, my lower leg and my whole foot. It looks absolutely not good, they told me I should think about an amputation.  
They would prefer an amputation right at the knee or right below the knee, whatever seems better then.

So if I leave my bed, I have to sit in a damn wheelchair which means I don't plan to leave my bed at all.

I hate him. I hate him so much for doing that. As if the fact he raped me again wasn't enough. And even though he obviously wasn't alone this time, I still blame him. I don't want to lose my lower leg, for God's sake. I mean, I just have to figure out a way how to drive a Formula One car with my amputee or something like that, that's not the problem. Not really.

I just don't want to lose it, I have a huge respect for everyone going through this, but I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of being optimistic about everything and I'm sick of pretending I'm fine.

Nico and Keke offered me to install cameras and the newest security high tech system in my apartment, but I don't want to go back there. He knows where I live, for God's sake, he might spend the next ten or maybe up to twenty years in prison, but then, he's going to be a free man again. And I just can't stay where he probably expects me to be, he could send some of his aweful friends over or something like that.

Additionally, I don't really want to be alone right now, Sebastian and Kimi are back at home, spending their last few days as a engaged couple together before the next race and I didn't turn on my phone yet. I probably should, according to everyone, most of the reactions to my post are quite positive, so there's no real reason for my behaviour.

At least, that's what people tend to think. Over the years, I managed to create a new, cool and super self-confident me to cover up the messed up kid I was once. It went well for a few years, it really did. Somehow, it really helped me becoming more self-confident and everything, but it's crazy what one night can destroy.

When I uploaded it, I kept telling myself it's the right thing. That I didn't upload it for myself, but for all those victims who keep it a secret. On Wednesday, when I got less painkillers and less sleeping pills, I realised I just told the world my darkest secret.

Because I a) didn't want to go back to my apartment and b) can't walk, Nico offered me to stay at his place. He moved out of the fancy and wheelchair unfriendly apartment and into a villa, right at the border to France. Actually, the villa is in Monaco and the garden is in Monaco and France. There's a cute, little house across the garden and I guess it's for Alaïa and her boyfriend or I and the person I love - whatever happens first.

The week I spend in hospital, he was busy making sure his villa becomes the most wheelchair friendly villa of the world and the result is surprisingly good. The villa has a lift and every table is in the perfect height for someone in a wheelchair, just like the kitchen, the bathroom, literally everything. It's frustrating, sure, but it's also a huge relief for me. Because it means I have always a place to stay, whatever might happen - and yes, I would at least think about living with him and Alaïa under one roof if racing isn't an option anymore.

As promised, he got everything from my apartment, and if I say everything, I mean everything. So yes, he also got my bras, panties and boxers to sleep in.

Keke took Alaïa for two days so I had the chance to get to know the villa in my wheelchair without her running around me. I didn't really leave my bed, but I did enjoy those two days. Nico and I talked a lot and somehow, I feel like we're closer than we were ever before.

“Bella!“ Quietly, I chuckle and hear the door being closed. “Yes munchkin?“ Giggling, she runs towards my room and I smile when she climbs onto my bed. “Missed you“, she announces and looks at me with big puppy eyes. “Aww _Prinzessin_ , I missed you too.“ Carefully, she points at my eye and looks confused. “What did Bella do?“

Nico helped me having an explanation that isn't completely made up and is kind of friendly for little kids. “Someone hit me by accident, we were both not really careful.“ Before she can ask more questions, I kiss her forehead and she giggles. “Ow.“

“Ladies, what do you think about cooking together?“ Being so focused on her, I didn't notice Keke coming in. „ _Kochen_!“, she exclaimes and I chuckle slightly, knowing I'm going to end up in the kitchen one way or another. “Okay, I just need a bit more time to get there.“

Before I can arrive in the kitchen, the bell rings and I answer it because I'm the nearest one. “Hey.“ Surprised, I look at Lance and chuckle slightly. “Hey.“ Keke probably gave him the address - at least that's the only explanation which isn't completely messed up. ”Who's there?", yells Nico and I roll my eyes. ”It's Lance.”

”Why the he-” ”Calm down, Nico, I invited him. Bella needs someone her age.” Of course he did, I sigh and Keke comes out of the kitchen and smiles at Lance. ”Come in, you're just in time for lunch.” Something's going on, something I have absolutely no clue about, but it doesn't add up. Why should my granddad invite him after the super akward breakfast?

I follow them into the kitchen and Nico seems to be unsure what to think about the invitation either, but Alaïa giggles, runs towards Lance and hugs his legs. Smiling, he picks her up and by now, Nico looks certainly not amused about our guest. ”You and Bella can do the sauce.”

\---

I expected an akward lunch, and let me say, it was even weirder and much more akward. Nico spend the whole lunch with giving Lance sceptical glares. Alaïa wanted our attention all the time and even started throwing pasta around when one of us denied her the attention. Keke tried to start a conversation, but failed badly because obviously, nobody wanted to talk with him at all. Lance didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to deal with the situation at all.

”Can we talk?”, he mumbles and I nod weakly. In relief, he stands up and follows me to my room. ”Would you mind telling me why you're here?”

Akwardly, he stands in my room and I point at the super comfy chair next to my bed. ”The seat is already taken.” Confused, I look at him and it takes me a while to understand what he wants to say with that. ”Well, I didn't expect them to wait for me anyways.” Sure, it hurts and it's frustrating, but I have to find my own way somehow. ”Joylon wants to get away from Renault as soon as possible because Nico always has been better than him, so he's going to be my teammate for probably the next two seasons.”

Eyes rolling, I watch him sit down and I somehow manage to get out of my wheelchair and back in my precious bed. ”Why are you telling me this?” I'm happy for Joylon and I really wish him the very best, but I didn't ask for those information. ”My dad said it would be unprofessional to not inform you about it.”

Sadly, I know exactly what kind of game he wants to play with me and it sounded too good to be true. Probably his father set the whole thing up, but I didn't really want that seat anyways. Yes, I thought about going to Williams, but I know I would have been compared to Keke, and I'm not sure if I really want to be compared to my granddad at all.

”Why are you so calm?”, he asks and I chuckle slightly. ”It's actually kind of a relief for me. Now I can look for a team on my own which doesn't have connections with Nico or Keke, I can look for a team that actually wants _me_ and not _me featuring their archievments and presence_.” Weakly, I smile when I hear Alaïa's giggles through the whole house.

“And if I ever decide to invite them into my box, there aren't discussions whether they would be there for me or there for the team, because obviously, they would be there for me.“ For some reasons, he looks at me surprised and kind of shocked. “You still want to race again?“

“Obviously, yes, I still want to race again. I'm still waiting for the opinions of some specialists, but I guess there's no other option for me than an amputation. Might take me another year, but without the amputation, I probably won't be able to walk again.“ Actually, I already have those opinions, but I couldn't open those e-mails yet, I'm afraid they're going to tell me I should do the damn amputation.

“Are you really sure about it? For God's sake, Bella, go to school, finish it, study something and have get a proper job.“ A bitter chuckle passes my lips and I roll my eyes at him. “Are you serious, Lance? It's _my_ fucking life and if _I_ want to race again, then _I'm_ going to race again and trust me, I'm going to beat you as often as I have to.“

He should understand me, at least I hoped he would. But apparently, I don't know him that well at all. ”Anyways, I want you to leave now, I've got a lot to do before my leg gets chopped off.” Actually, I have absolutely nothing to do at all - expect reading the E-Mails of the specialists - but I don't want him here anymore, there's something going on and I don't like knowing nothing about it.

”Listen, I'm so-” ”As I said, I've got a lot to do and listening to your lame excuses is not on my to-do list.” Sighing, he stands up and I scoff under my breath. I don't understand it. Why did everything change so fast between us? We kind of we're friends not even a month ago and now, everything's even weirder than it was before.

”Bella, at the end of the day, we both know you don't actually belong to Formula One. Yes, you're a good racer and I'm not going to deny it, but you're ... well, you're a woman. You've seen how easily your life can be destroyed, you just should study and get a proper job, a proper life and a proper family of your own.“


	18. sunday | last day in freedom

This afternoon, I'm going to go into hospital in order to be prepared for the amputation tomorrow evening.

After Lance left the house on Wednesday, everything went quite quick. Keke and I read the E-Mails together and as expected, those specialists completely agreed with their colleagues here in Monaco. Not even two hours later, I had an appointment with one of those specialists here and we went through everything together.  
Tomorrow's the amputation, then a few days intensive care and if everything goes well and what's going to be left of my knee heals quickly, I can start rehab in a month.

So today is my last day of freedom for a while, the last day of freedom before weeks of hospital and rehab, the last day of freedom before weeks of tears, frustration, aniexty and pain. And I'm going to use and hopefully enjoy every single second of the time I have left before I have to be at the hospital.

We started the day with a family breakfast and believe it or not, but Nico even inivited Paolo, Matteo, my aunt and my other cousins. It was not as weird as I thought it would be, probably because Alaïa wanted everyone's attention.

Now, it's around 10 am and I'm watching Matteo and his brothers playing football on the beach. Okay, they're more likely trying to kick the ball somehow, but it's nice to watch anyways. Even though they wanted to something I could do as well, but I wanted to spend my last day in freedom as normal - and I used to watch them a lot when we were younger and they didn't allow me to join them.

And I enjoy it a lot, commenting every single mistake they do and they do a lot of mistakes. I see Max jogging on the beach and I wave at him, but he doesn't see me or he decides to ignore me. According to Daniel, he was not amused about the fact I didn't tell him everything in person, so I try to do not care about his behaviour - I have more important stuff to care and think about.

”Bella?” Matteo looks at me worried and I sigh quietly, I was so lost in thoughts I didn't notice him talking to me at all. ”What's up, dude?” Quietly, he chuckles and ruffles through my hair. ”Lost in your thoughts, like always. Nico's going to pick you up in a few for that thingy.” Oh right, that meeting thingy which isn't a lunch but it's at lunchtime with the Mercedes bosses he insisted on taking me with him. ”Shoot me.”

Of course, he didn't shoot me. Instead, he carried me over to my wheelchair and well, here I am. Waiting for my dear father to pick me up while hoping he actually forgets it. Sadly, he doesn't. He parks his fancy Mercedes and I scoff. ”As a former Ferrari Junior, I'm absolutely not going to sit in a Mercedes.”

Even though he has his sunglasses on, I know he's rolling his eyes at me. ”As you said, you're a _former_ Ferrari Junior and you can't do anything against it.“ During the last two weeks, he did a lot of training in order to be able to lift me up, so I know I really can't stop him from doing so. “Not fair.“

“C'mon, it's a really nice car and I have to drive it once a while. And it's the most wheelchair friendly car I have, so you have to get used to it.“ Before he starts driving again, he hands me some sunglasses and smirks. “Partnerlook? You know I'm 18 years old and not 18 months, right?“ Scoffing, he starts driving and I put on the sunglasses. “When did you become such a killjoy?“

It's nice. It's nice talking to him like that, without arguing and insulting each other. “Well someone has to be a grown up.“ He laughs and shakes his head. “You're just like your mother when she was younger. Always sassy, always ready for a good joke.“

 _My mom_. I always thought of her as the busy journalist who worked 24/7 in order to make my dream come true. We didn't do much together, but she made sure to eat dinner at least three times a week with me and on Sunday evening, we always watched a movie or the race. “How was she?“

Confused, he looks at me and smiles weakly. “You knew her, Bella, why are you asking?“ Quietly, I sigh and look out of the window. “She was always busy, sometimes it feels like I didn't know her at all.“ He stays silent and I sigh. ”You don't have to answer that, but we never really talked about her.”

”She was amazing. As I said, she was really sassy and she loved pranks. There were two sides of her, the funny one and the serious one and she could switch between them whenever she had to. Right before an exam, she pranked a teacher and still wrote an A while I couldn't focus on the exam because the prank was hilarious.” His voice is deeper than usual and also a bit sadder. ”Do you miss her?”

Slightly, he nods and I take a deep breath. ”Then why didn't yo-” ”She told me if I would ever look for her, she would go to court and I absolutely didn't want that. We had this huge argument after our first big party because we both got drunk and nobody remembered what happened that night, and two days later, she was gone.”

He drives into the garage and I swallow hard, I didn't expect this at all. “And yes, Bella, _I loved her_. I was close to give up racing in order to prove her I can also be an adult if I have to. Maybe, if she had stayed and we had figured everything out somehow, I would have never really had the chance to get to know Vivian better.“

Before I can even think about answering, he parks the car and I have the honour of watching him dealing with my wheelchair. It's going to take him a while, so unlock my phone for the first time since the night that changed my life in a negative way.

@Isa_Racing: That struggle when you can't escape a meeting with your father's former bosses bc you have to sit in a wheelchair

@Isa_Racing: (2) before you're going to lose your right lower leg tomorrow, nice

Then, I quickly close the App again and roll my eyes when Nico opens the door, lifts me up and places me in my damn wheelchair. ”Why do I have to join you again?”

”Because I never got the chance to let them meet you as my daughter and not as the girl who won one of the four Formula One races she raced for Sauber. Because I want them to meet you as my daughter and not about the girl they had to watch for four races last year.”

I decide to stay silent because it actually makes sense somehow and he smiles.

When we enter the room, everyone's already there. Toto, Niki, Lewis, Valteri, James Allison and some guys I have seen on TV - probably DTM drivers or Mercedes Juniors since they're all wearing Mercedes sweaters. “Hola.“ Quickly, I wave Lewis and put off my sunglasses. “Guys, this is my daughter, Isabella, she-“ “They know who I am, at least it would surprise me if they didn't.“

Slightly, Lewis smiles, stands up and high fives me. It's a cute gesture, for sure, but it also makes me more aware of what's actually happening right now. I'm going to lose my right fucking lower leg tomorrow evening.

“It's good to see you“, says Toto and smiles politely. “I'm so sor-“ “ _No_ , Niki, don't say you're sorry. The only person she would want to hear a sorry from would be the asshole who did it to her, but that's not going to happen anytime soon. So really hates it when people say it who don't have anything to do with it.“ Surprised, I look at Lewis and he chuckles. “I had to learn it the hard and painful way.“

Quickly, he moved a chair out of my way so I can sit at the table like everyone else and I can hear Niki whisper _“we totally forgot her injury“_ in German to Toto. Nico sits down beside me and Valteri seems like he waits for something to happen. “Okay, they got to meet me as your sassy daughter, why are we still here?”, I mumble quietly and my dear father sighs. ”Just wait and see, Bella.”

A secretary comes in and before I can say I don't want anything, he orders a Fritz Cola for me - not that I would complain, but it doesn't really make me seem grown-up compared to the waters and coffees the others order.

\---

For around thirty minutes, I sit there in my wheelchair and listen to their boring discussions. Luckily, Lewis is bored as well and so we secretly text under the table. It's probably way more obvious than we hope, but at least we're not disturbing the discussions about the new advertisement campaign or about the next promo event.

”Isabella, what are your plans for the next year if nothing goes completely wrong?“ Confused, I look at Toto, then at Niki, Valteri - who's smiling creepily, Lewis and Nico. “Uh ... maybe Formula One if a team had a free seat, maybe GP 2 for a year or Formula 3 again, I didn't really think about what I'm going to do in 2019 yet.“

Now, everyone kind of smiles creepily and I scoff under my breath. “Why are you all smiling like ... crazy guys would probably do?“

Toto places a file in front of me and I have absolutely no clue what the hell is going on. “You know you have to open it, right Bella?“ Teasingly, Lewis smirks and I roll my eyes. “Says the guy who doesn't have the balls to do _it._ “

Slightly, he blushes and I smile while the rest looks as us confused - boy, if they knew. While everyone is busy with staring at the blushing Britain, I open the file and chuckle slightly at the first page. It's contract. “Seriously, what's going on?“

Nico's the first one to stop staring at his former teammate and smiles at me. “Toto and I talked a lot the last few weeks and yes, I know you don't want to race for Mercedes, but you wouldn't race for the Formula One team, but for one of the Mercedes DTM teams.“

Surprised and somehow shocked, I look at him and Toto chuckles. “And I also talked to Pascal, he would love to help you with the preparations and everything. We all think you can do amazing things with the right car and we think DTM might be easier for you to start with than Formula One.“

This explains his message last night, asking if I already had the honour of sitting down with a team I personally have no real connections to.

“Can I ... Can I think about it for few days? I mean, fuck, that's huge, but it would be weird, deciding something like this before the amputation.“

\---

Surprisingly, nobody has something against it, and so I've got a least two weeks before I have to make this decision.

When we're finally out of the building, I take a deep breath and sigh in relief, it's not even 1 pm and I'm already done. “Believe me or not, but I'm really proud of you, Bella.“


	19. friday | talks and diary entries

Yesterday evening, they finally released me from intensive care. Which means today is the first day I can be visited or called and to be honest, I'm not sure if I want that or not.

It's strange. Sometimes, my brain tells me my right lower leg is in pain and it takes me a few minutes to realise it can't be true because I don't have a right lower leg anymore. Also, when someone sits down on my bed where my lower leg should be, I panik and tell the person to not sit on my lower leg. Some of the nurses do it quite often, and equally often, they have to explain I don't have a right lower leg they would sit on any longer.

Yesterday, I saw my right leg for the first time since the amputation. Everyone tried to prepare me for that moment, but I absolutely wasn't prepared for it. For God's sake, there's the half of my leg missing and everyone tells me to get used to it. The question is will I ever get used to that?

My phone rings and I sigh quietly before answering the call. “What's up caller?“ Slowly, I sit up and throw my covers away. Even though everyone tells me to not look at what's left of my leg that often, I can't stop doing it. “Hey there.“ Weakly, I smile and hear him chuckle. “Don't you have a practice session to be at?“

Don't ask me where, for the first time in years, I have absolutely no clue where they're racing this weekend, but at least I know they have a race this weekend. “Remember when we made fun of Stoffel and Fernando for not being able to drive that much? Well, they're actually sitting next to me, we're in the same boat now.“

Pascal was absolutely not amused about the change of engine for this season, sure, the Honda engine is probably way more affordable for a small team like Sauber, but they have less speed than with the 2016 Ferrari engine and that's really bitter. ”You know Stoffel speaks and understands German, don't you?”

”No, he didn't know that”, answers the Belgian for him and I chuckle. ”Well, now he knows. Don't you have so-” ”No, we don't have something better to do than calling you, Bella.” Shaking my head in disbelief, I roll my eyes and sigh - why do they all know me that well? ”How are you?”

Because they all talk to me, I guess Pascal has his phone on speaker. ”It could be worse, I guess, what about you guys?” Yes, it could be worse, but it also could be better. It's not healing as good as it should which means I can literally forget to start rehab in three weeks. ”But it also could be better, right?“ Why am I so obvious for them? “Pascal, you know the answer, so why do you even ask?“

Quietly, I sigh and a nurse comes in, rolls her eyes at my thrown away covers and he laughs slightly. “Because I want you to admit it, Bella. If everything would go well, you would have already tweeted something sassy, but you didn't, so everything's not going as well as you hoped.“

She checks the banadage and every machine or infusion I'm connected to and now it's my turn to slightly roll my eyes at her. “Okay, okay, I got it. I'm an open book for you. And yes, it just didn't start healing yet and it's so frustrating, this is costing me at least three weeks.“ _At least_ , the doctors are saying one to two months would be more realistic.

“But that's life, right? So I'm just going to chill here in my hospital room and watch the races on TV, eat lots of junk food and annoy every nurse and doctor, maybe even start school again, who knows?“ When Stoffel chuckles, I sigh in relief and smile weakly.

“That's my girl.“ Pascal laughs and I swallow, I hate this. I don't want to pretend I already accepted my fate, I just want to accept my fate for real. They think I don't really care how long it's going to take, but truth is, I totally care how much time this is going to take. “Only yours, Pascal. Anyways, I've got a doctor's appointment in ten, we talk later, alright?“

Before one of them can protest, I hang up and take a deep breath. I don't have a doctor's appointment, I'm just done with pretending for today, for this week, for this month or more likely for the whole year.

Matteo sends me an E-mail which is quite unusual for him and I open it. _“That's your handwriting, isn't it?“_ , it says and a link is attached. Confused, I stare at my screen for a minute and sigh. I have absolutely no clue what he means, but it seems to be urgent.

So I open the link and almost choke on my own salvia. It's an article about some diary entries which were shared anonymously on Tumblr and it's my handwriting. Matteo's right, that's my handwriting. Quickly, I read through the article and I can't believe it.

Someone stole the diary I wrote down every frustrated thought I had during my hospital stay at the very beginning of the year. If a journalist figures out those diary entries were written by me and show the me no one really gets to see, I'm super fucked.

“Fuckin' hell“, I mumble and feel tears streaming down my face, my karma really must be horrible. Someone must have broken in my apartment or have sneaked into my hospital room. Someone fucking invaded my privacy.

“Bella?“ Nico opens the door before I can wipe the tears away and I sigh, he has to get used to see me like this anyways. “Yeah?“ My voice is shaking and some tears stream down my face. “What's wrong?“ Worried, he looks at me and I try to focus on my breath.

“Nothing“, I mumble and he scoffs quietly. “You don't expect me to believe you, do you? Anyways, Lewis visited us earlier today and as you can probably imagine, I was surprised to see him. We haven't seen each other in private since we started taking that break.“

Slightly, I smile and he carefully sits down on my bed. “What did he say?“, I ask and he immediately turns red. “He ... I still can't believe it, but he asked me if I want to be his boyfriend. _In German_ , Bella, he did the whole romantic speech thingy _in German_!“

So Lewis finally did it. “And what did you do? Did you slap him or kiss him?“ Yes, it's akward, talking with my father about his love life, but I'm thankful for any distribution right now, so I'm not going to complain about it. “Both. At first I slapped him and then I realised what he said and kissed him. We're together now, not officially, but we want to try it out again.“

“Congratulations, I hope it works out this time.“ I put on my best fake smile and he sighs quietly. “Enough about me. Are you positive you absolutely do not want to talk about what's wrong?“ Carefully, he wipes away some dried tears and I swallow. “Someone shared a few diary entries of mine anonymously on Tumblr and well, they're kind of really negative.“

For some reasons, he seems even more worried and I quietly scoff under my breath. “If you want me to, I can make my lawyer take care of it.” Weakly, I shake my head and he chuckles quietly. ”Listen, I know you don't want my help and everything, but this is an invasion of your privacy, for God's sake.”

Even though he's obviously right, I don't really want him to make his lawyer take care of it, it would only cause more public attention. ”Nico, I really appreciate it, but I don't rea-” ”Don't think about the media for a moment. Just don't. Are you okay with other people reading your thoughts you never wanted to share?” Breathing heavily, I shrug. Truth is, I'm absolutely not sure if I'm okay with it or not.

On the one hand, I want to act like I don't give a shit about what they think of me, just like I did until now. On the other hand, he's right, I never wanted to share those thoughts for a reason and someone just shared them. 

”Because if you're not okay with it, then let me make my lawyer take care of it.” Quietly, I sigh and look at him. “Then make your lawyer take care of it“, I mumble and he smiles weakly. “I will, I promise you.“ Carefully, he pulls me into a hug and I let him. “Thanks.“

For a while, we sit there in a comfortable silence, I don't know what he does but I rest my head on his shoulders with my eyes closed and enjoy it. ”Bella?”, he whispers and I feel him playing with my hair. ”Yeah?” This is some kind of father-daughter relationship I have always dreamed of and now it's somehow too good to be true.

”There's no need to stress yourself just because it doesn't heal as fast and as good as it could, give your body the time it needs. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, but you can't change it anyways. So instead of stressing yourself because you want to stay in the most optimal schedule, you could focus on school or something like that.”

Weakly, I smile and nod a tiny bit - I know it's not healthy, but for God's sake, I just want to race. This is all I ask for. ”It kind of doesn't make sense to start now just before the summer holidays start. But maybe I could use the time I have to spend here in this hellhole to revise everything, so that next year's going to be easier for me.”

Once, I heard my mom talking about Nico before she met her last boyfriend. It was my birthday and she and Paolo's wife stood in the kitchen and I wanted something to drink. So I sneaked into the kitchen and my mom said she would love to see me and my father spending some father-daughter time together without arguing for once. I just had grabbed a glass and let it fall down in shock, being surprised about the fact she actually knew who my father was.

”Oh, and before I forget it, thank you so much for everything you do for Alaïa. She really looks up to you and I think you're making it easier for her to deal with our divorce and the whole fight.” Quietly, he sighs and I chuckle slightly. ”I just don't want her to go through some of the shit I had to go through and after all, she's my sister, I would do literally everything for her.”

His phone rings and ends the father-daughter moment quickly. ”That's my mom, I should better go. Alaïa and Keke are going to visit you tomorrow, alright?”

And then, he's gone, leaving me on my own. The second he closes the door behind him, tears are streaming down my face and I sob. Someone fucking shared some of my most intimate and personal thoughts on the internet and I don't even want to think of how that person managed to get my diary.

 _ **To** : Matteo™_  
Yes, it's mine and I'm done with the world. What's up at the other end of Monaco?

I feel aweful. I can't explain myself how someone got to take photos or got to copy some of my diary entries and it's driving me crazy. Was it my mom's last boyfriend? Or one of his new mates? But they're all in a prison cell - where they belong - and the entries were just published yesterday night, so it's kind of impossible. But who else would want to destroy me?

 _Ferrari?_ That's way too personal for them. _Lance?_ No, not Lance. That's not him, that's something we promised each other we would never do. _Mercedes?_ That absolutely doesn't make sense because they want me to race for a Mercedes Team at the DTM next year.

Somehow, I manage to cry myself to sleep without sleeping pills with the sun shining in my room and the noises of the machines around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you think would want to destroy her mentally?   
> Or is there even someone or is Bella 'just' becoming panaroid?


	20. tuesday | love

When I come back from my doctor's appointment, Lewis is sitting on my bed and looking out of the window. ”Hey.” Wincing, he turns around and smiles weakly. ”Hey, the nurse said it w-” ”It's fine, I heard them talking about you in the hallway.“ Quickly, he stands up and pulls me into a hug. ”Thank you so much”, he mumbles and I chuckle slightly. ”You're welcome.”

A nurse comes in and helps me with moving myself onto the bed and reconnecting everything. ”That's not why you're here, is it? Oh, and I'm really sorry for your crash with Daniel during the first lap, you could have won the race.” But because he couldn't finish the race and because Sebastian and Valteri both sruggeled a lot with their engines and their pace, Kimi won the race.

”It's fine I guess, it's not like I can change it anyways. How are you? When does your rehab start? Do you need anything?” Quietly, I chuckle and look at him. ”You just sound like Nico, Keke, Sina and Paolo.”

Sighing, he sits down and carefully takes my hand. ”Well, we were and still are all worried about you.” Surprised, I look at him. ”You were slash still are worried about me? Why? Don't you have enough rivals to fight against?” He chuckles and I roll my eyes. ”Am I not allowed to worry about my boyfriend's and future husband's daughter who helped me getting him back?“

“Oh my God, you really want to marry him? Like ... you have been back together for a few days and you already think about marriage? How cute is that?“ Weakly, he shakes his head and can't help but chuckle. “Stop, Bella, it's not about me today. So, when does your rehab start? Do you need anything? And the most important question: how are you?”

”Nobody knows when my rehab is going to start, it's all going slower than I hoped. And I'm okay, I guess. I don't know, it's just frustrating because my body apparently needs more time than I hoped and I just want to race again.” Quietly, I sigh and he just nods.

”I'm so sorry, Bella.” Now it's my time to nod and he chuckles slightly. ”Why are you really here, Lewis? It's not like I don't appreciate your visit and everything, but there's something else you want to tell me, isn't it?” He gulps and I don't know how to react, so there is something else he wants to tell me and it doesn't seem to be something positive. ”Kind of, yeah.”

Someone knocks on my door and I groan. ”Do not enter, we're having a serious conversation in here you better do not disturb.” Lewis plays with his fingers - Nico once mentioned it without wanting it, saying he would only do it if there's something really serious he has to talk about - and I'm not sure if I want to know what's so serious or not.

The door is opened netherless and I chuckle bitter when Lance enters my room. ”What the hell are you doing, Stroll? I told you to not disturb us and that's exactly what you just did.” Quickly, Lewis stands up and clears his throat. “I'm just getting myself a coffee, do you want something from the cafeteria, Bella?”

Something's going on, something they tried to keep as far as possible away from me. ”A cola, please“, I mumble and groan when he leaves the room. “So, what's so important that you disturbed us?“ Confused, Lance looks at me and can't stop but smirk. “Are you a couple or why are you so bitchy about me disturbing your conversation?“

Choking on my own salvia, I look at him in utter disbelief. ”I do really hope you're not serious because Lewis and I aren't a fucking couple and we will never be a fucking couple. It was a private conversation and you had no right to disturb it like that. And I still have no answer why you disturbed us in the first place.” And why Lewis acted so strange when he saw the Canadian, but that's probably something I won't get an answer for anyways.

”Well, I talked to my father yes-” ”Okay, that's all I need to know. You may leave my room now”, I answer harshly and he shakes his head. ”Isabella, for God's sake, just listen, alright?”

I would love to kick him out, but I know him too well to actually do it - he would figure out another way how to inform me about what his father said. ”Only because you're a stubborn pain in my arse.” Before he can sit down on my bed, I quickly shake my head. ”There's no fucking way you're going to sit on my bed. Stand or sit down on a chair, I absolutely do not care what you do.”

So he sits down on a chair and takes a deep breath. ”Well, I talked to my father yesterday and he made me tell the whole story of how my visit went to my mom. The shocked expression on her face when I was finished made me realise how horrible those things I said to you actually were and I'm really sorry. I really don't know why I said what I said, but I want you to know I'm so unbelievable sorry.”

Unsure of what to think, I look at him and for some reasons, I believe him. _I believe him_ that he just blurted it out without thinking about it and it's strange. It surprises me that I believe him after everything that had happened between the two of us.

“Was this all?“, I ask quietly, I just need time to think about everything. I need to understand why my brain makes me believe him and why my heart doesn't protest against it. “Actually, it wasn't.“ Confused, I watch him standing up and coming closer and closer. “Plea-“ His lips on mine prevent me from finishing my sentence and I absolutely don't know why, but I actually kiss him back.

Lance Stroll is kissing me and instead of pushing him away like I should, I fucking kiss him back. My brain's protesting, I really want to push him away, slap him and tell him to leave me the fuck alone, but I _can't_. Something's stopping me from doing so and I absolutely don't understand what's going on.

Breathless, he stops kissing me but his lips don't leave mine. “I expected you to push me away, slap me and tell me to leave you the fuck alone, but I absolutely prefer this reaction“, he mumbles against my lips, breathing heavily. There's this weird feeling in my lower stomach and to not ruin the situation, I just do what I had seen my mom doing with her boyfriends when she didn't know what to say - _I kiss him._

I can tell he absolutely didn't expect me to kiss him, and I didn't expect me to kiss him either, so we're both surprised by my reaction. Carefully, he pulls me closer and I place a hand in his hair - again, I just kind of copy something I had seen my mom doing what feels like thousands of times.

“This was kind of my first real kiss“, I blurt out quietly against his lips. “Well the first kiss I kind of wanted I guess.“ Someone should stop me from saying things like this, it's so unbelievable embarrassing. “Really?“ There's surprise in his voice and even with my eyes closed, I do feel his stare on me. My voice is suddenly gone, it probably left my brain with the control over what I say and what I better keep to myself.

And so I just nod, I nod and can literally feel his smile. “Wow.“ This is confusing, weird and strange, but absolutely not wow. Okay, somehow it is, but I totally don't understand what's going on in the first place. I should have pushed him away for God's sake.

“Actually, I do not think _'wow'_ is the first word I would describe this situation with. It would be _'leave'_ or something like that“, says Lewis with the most British accent I have ever heard from him and we both wince in surprise and shock. “Lewi-“ “No, Stroll, I do not think there's an explanation that doesn't end with you being banned from her hospital room.“

Blushing and embarrassed, I do the only possible thing to disappear and hide under my covers. “You better keep this a secret and you absolutely better keep your fingers far away from my boyfriend's daughter or I swear to God, I make sure you're going to regret it.“ _My boyfriend's daughter._ Lewis just fucking came out to Lance in order to protect me.

“Don't worry, I'll make sure our laywer sends you some professional discretion papers you have to sign. For now, do you prefer leaving the room on your own or do I have the honour of kicking you out and making sure you're never going to be able to visit her here again?“

On the one hand, I'm somehow glad Lewis protects me from doing even more stupid mistakes in less than ten minutes, I absolutely don't know where I would have ended up if he didn't appear. On the other hand, I don't really understand what's his problem with Lance. Yes, he acted strange when my all-time rival entered the room and everything, but now it seems like he knows something about Lance which isn't that good and he doesn't want me to know it.

When I hear the door being closed, I take a deep breath and stay under my covers. “Bella?“ His voice is shaking and I know he's pissed and angry as hell, but he tries to calm himself down. “Would you please tell me what the actual hell just happened?“

Truth is, I absolutely don't know what the actual hell just happened. It just happened, I guess. ”You saw it, so why do you even ask?”, I mumble and he takes my covers away. ”Because I want to get to know your opinion of what just happened.”

Quietly, I scoff under my breath and he sighs. ”Obviously, you like him. Maybe you don't want to admit it or you just don't realise it, but you like him.” With wide eyes, I look at him and shake my head. ”No, I absolutely do not fucking like him, I don't know why I couldn't push him away and slap him, but I don't like him.”

Lewis shakes his head, chuckles and sits down on my bed. ”Bella, my dear, it took you weeks to get used to Nico hugging, so love is the only logical explanation why you let him kiss you and didn't push him away and why you didn't slap him.”

And there it is, the only word on this goddamn planet I am truly afraid of - _love_. I got to know love as an excuse to abuse me, to slap me, to rape me, to lock me up and to make me do horrible things. And to be honest, I don't want to deal with love for the rest of my life. I don't need a boyfriend, I'm totally fine with a cute dog or a cat.

My heart's beating faster and I really have to control myself to not freak out right now. ”Bullshit, I'm sure there are some other logical explanations but I didn't have time to think of them yet, so give me some time and I'll give you some better explanations.“

Sceptical, he looks at me and nods. “Alright, I have to leave anyways. I'm not sure if I can visit you tomorrow, but Thursday I have a free evening, so I'm going to visit you then for sure.“

Weakly, I nod as well and he smiles weakly. “Rest well and don't annoy the poor nurses, it's not their fault your body needs more time to heal.“ I scoff under my breath and he chuckles. “And don't freak out about liking Lance more than you probably should, I don't really approve it but you can't change it.“

Before I can throw a pillow in his face, he leaves the room and I sigh. _I am absolutely not in love with Lance Stroll and I absolutely do not like him._


	21. wednesday | letter from mom

I struggled with falling asleep last night, Lewis' words didn't leave my mind. For God's sake, I'm not in love with Lance and I don't like him either, but I didn't find another logical explanation yet.

Heck, I even did some research on Google to find another logical explanation. But it didn't matter which weird pages I read through, everyone seems to think love is the only logical explanation. There must be another one, but it's going to take me a while to figure the other explanation out. Logically, my research didn't make it easier for me to fall asleep at all. 

When I fell asleep, the sky became lighter, so it was probably around 4 to 5 am and I probably spend around an hour explaining myself that my right foot or lower leg can't hurt because I don't have my right foot and lower leg anymore.

”Bella?” Groaning, I turn around and hear a familiar chuckle. ” _Principessa_ , I'm sorry to wake you up, but I have to leave in ten.” Paolo. Quickly, I sit up and look at him sleepily. ”How long have you been here?”, I mumble and he smiles at me.

”An hour or two, but I didn't want to wake you up, the nurses told me you couldn't find sleep until 4 am.” That's so typical him, he always watched us sleeping when we were younger and that's why there are so many pictures of Matteo and me sleeping.

”Don't worry, I made sure you don't have any appointments today so you can catch up some sleep during the day.” I give him a thankful smile and he hands me an envelope. ”Read it if you want, burn it or just throw it away, but your mother wanted me to give you this letter on your 18th birthday. But everything was so chaotic and to be honest, I kind of forgot about the letter.”

He pauses and I stare at the envelope. ”Anyways, I found it yesterday with some papers I needed for paying the taxes and I thought you might need some words from her. I absolutely don't know what she wrote down and as I said, if you don't want to read it, it's fine.”

Weakly, I nod, he stands up and kisses my forehead. ”She adored you, _Principessa_. Text me if you need anything, alright?“ Again, I nod and can't stop but staring at the envelope in my hands. Gently, he ruffles through my hair and leaves the room. And now, I'm alone with the letter of my mom.

I hesitate to open the envelope because I have absolutely no clue what to expect from her letter. The last time I had seen her was at court when her last boyfriend had proposed to her, after that, I had refused to visit her again. And then, a few days later, she died.

But I can start reading, right? And if I don't feel like reading the whole letter, I just can stop somewhere. It's my mom, for God's sake, I shouldn't be afraid of what she wrote down.

Carefully and slowly, I open the plain white envelope and take the letter. When I see her handwriting, I can't stop but smile weakly, I always loved her neat handwriting and begged her to teach me how to write like this.

Taking a deep breath, I unfold the letter and swallow, there's no turning back now. God, I almost forgot how small she actually wrote and I wipe away a tear, I can't believe she actually thought of my future without her and made sure I would have something from her.

_“Dear Bella,_

_you're an adult now. You can finally vote for politics who seem to not have lost the last bit of their honesty yet, you used to complain about the wrong promises they give their landsmen and landswomen to gain even more power (or less if it goes wrong), remember?“_

A choked sob passes my lips, my complaints were the reason why my cousin started his political career as a teen and now he's the fucking major of Rome. Politics interested me because they promised us to build a new play area for the school I went to - but then, they didn't because apparently, there wasn't enough money for it. So I got pissed off at the politics in my town and this was the start of the story of why I still don't trust politics.

_”I'm sure Paolo forgot to give you this letter on your birthday, but I hope you had an amazing 18th birthday._

_Remember when you wanted to start karting and I said no, so you just asked Paolo during our next visit and he instantly took you and Matteo to the nearest karting track the next day?”_

Quietly, I scoff under my breath, of course I remember it. We told her we would go shopping and she got so unbelievable angry when she found out what we really did.

_”I think it's time to explain you why I really said no and why I couldn't support you as much as I wished I could. You always told people I just wouldn't like the idea of you, my daughter, karting because I apparently always wanted a girly girl and not a boyish girl, but that's not true, Bella._

_The truth is, I didn't have a problem with you karting. Sure, I would have preferred somethiness risky like playing the guitar or something like that, but I was fine with it. The sparkles in your eyes whenever you talked about racing, karting and everything with an engine made me realise that you are meant to become a records breaking racer one day.“_

By now, I'm a sobbing mess, I just miss her so unbelievable much right now. She could tell me what to do, she could tell me what's happening with me and Lance and how to deal with whatever the actual hell is going on. 

_“The passion, Bella, you have always had the passion. When I got you your first Bobbycar, you were so fascinated by it that I had to force you to eat and sleep._

_But I was and I still am worried about your father. As you know by now, his father is a Formula One worldchampion himself and your father is a Formula One driver who wants to become a Formula One worldchampion one day as well. Which would make you the third generation of Formula One drivers, Bella._

_As long as it stays a secret, it's fine. It's going to be difficult for you, proving yourself in a sport dominated by men, but I know you can do it._

_What worries me is what might happen after the secret is revealed. Nico always has been under a lot of pressure for being a Formula One worldchampion's son, but he's a man. You would be the first woman in Formula One who was a (hopefully former) Formula One driver as her father and a Formula One worldchampion as her grandfather._

_People would expect a lot from you the second the secret would be revealed and that's why I tried to keep you away from karting. People can be cruel, my love, really cruel, and I don't want you to experience it.”_

In disbelief, I stare at the letter and I can't believe it. All those years, I thought she hadn't approved karting, but she was just worried about what the reveal of the secret might cause.

Boy, if she only knew that it already happened. And I still don't know how to deal with it.

_”When I found out I was pregnant, I just turned 17. It was just after our first big party as friends, we were both completely drunk and well ... you can imagine what happened. He didn't get it and I didn't want you, my daughter, to grow up as spoiled as he did. So I just left without telling him._

_Bella, I'm so sorry I couldn't be the mother you needed me to be. I know I was strict, maybe a tiny bit too strict, but I wanted you to grow up knowing you don't need much money to be happy, I wanted you to grow up down to earth._

_When I got the job at the local newspaper, I got criticised a lot for having a daughter at such a young age. But I think you're going to make them reget talking so bad about you, because I know you're going to archive amazing things one day.“_

She believed in me. She fucking believed in me but couldn't show it for some reasons. Maybe she sucked at everything that has to do emotions as well, maybe she just couldn't show it, but what matters to me is that she believed in me and somehow, she still believes in me.

It's so sticky in here, I can barely breathe, so I somehow manage to lift myself into the wheelchair, grab a blanket and make my way out of the room, onto the small balcony. My eyes are red and swollen and I should probably worry about paparazzi, but I couldn't care less right now.

Colder and fresh air fills my lungs and I take a few deep breaths. It's a rainy day in Monaco and it's quite chilly, maybe 15° to 20° Celcius, which is quite pleasant.

There are a few kids with their parents on the beach - they're probably tourists who can't be that picky with the weather. Quietly, I chuckle to myself, wipe away some dried tears and unfold the letter again.

_“Do what makes you happy, alright? Doesn't matter what it is, I just want you to be happy._

_And please do not listen to people who tell you Formula One is for men only or something like that, if you want to race, then race and let nobody stop you from doing so.“_

Weakly, I smile and suddenly, I exactly know what to do.

_“Bella, racing was and hopefully still is your passion, please don't let anyone ruin it. I know if you stay focused, you can archive incredible things - like becoming the first female Formula One worldchampion or if the teams are all weird and you decide that DTM is the better option for you, like becoming the first female DTM champion._

_I'm so proud to be your mother, Isabella, because I've seen what you can do. You're meant to archive incredible things, you're meant to fight for equality and for human rights._

_And whenever you're archive something, keep in mind that I'm watching you and that I probably can't shut up about how proud I am of you wherever I am right now._

_I'm so proud of you, my dear._

_In love,_

_Mom.”_

It starts raining and I make my way back inside. I can't cry anymore, my eyes hurt and are probably really red and really swollen. But now, I don't care about it, because I know what to do. She wouldn't want me to sit in my hospital room, thinking about giving up. No, she would want me to fight, she would want me to come back even stronger, she would want me to prove every single hater wrong and she would want me to fight until there's absolutely nothing to fight for.

Quickly, I grab my phone, unlock it and take a deep breath before looking for a certain contact.

 _ **To** : Nico_  
About the DTM thingy, tell Toto I'm in

 _ **To** : Pascal_  
I hope you're not busy during the winter break because I would love to have you as my coach for DTM next year

 _ **To** : Seb_  
Now you've got 2 reasons to visit a DTM race next year: Fabian at the Porsche Cup and me as a DTM driver

 _ **To** : Fabian_  
Pascal's hopefully going to help me prepare for DTM, wanna join us?

Smiling weakly, I place my phone on the table and look out of the window. 

”I won't let you down, mom. I'll keep fighting, for you and for me, I promise you.”


	22. wednesday | news

_**From** : Isabella_  
About the DTM thingy, tell Toto I'm in

Nico almost lets his phone fall down when he reads his daughter's message. ”Is everything alright, Babe?”, asks his boyfriend who pets the dog laying on his legs and looks even more confused when he starts smiling like an idiot. ”Yes, everything's fine, I'm just surprised. Isabella just send me a text, she really wants to drive for Merc at the DTM next year.”

”That's ... that's really amazing, you really should call Toto and the big boss right now to save her the seat.” Alaïa throws a ball at Lewis' head and he picks her up chuckling to himself. ”And while you call Toto, we go upstairs and play with the dollhouse.”

Quickly, Nico nods and gives him a thankful smile. ”Thanks Liebling, I'm going to join you in a bit.”

”No”, she whines when her daddy's boyfriend stands up, ”I want Bella.” Quietly, the Britain sighs and carries her upstairs. ”Darling, Bella is still in hospital, so she can't play with you right now, but you can visit her tomorrow if you want to.”

Roscoe follows them upstairs and Nico still can't believe he actually lets Coco and Rosco stay here whenever Lewis is off to a race and can't bring both or one of them with him. ”Then I want doggy.”

Lewis chuckles and lets her down in the shared playroom. Nico just didn't want her to have the room only for herself, so he made it Alaïa's and Isabella's playroom - that's why there's a couch, a TV and a huge collection of several video games.

Slowly, he sits down next to her and watches her petting Roscoe who's just looking at his owner. ”He likes you.” Giggling, she lets the dog lick his hand and he kisses her forehead. ”God, why are the two of you so adorable?”

The phone call is short, phone calls with Toto are always short - expect the one when he had to explain his retirement. Isabella has the seat for next season if nothing goes completely wrong, so those are good news.

Nico hears his daughter squeaking and Roscoe's barking which means Lewis is tickling Alaïa and the dog absolutely doesn't approve it. Slightly, he chuckles and makes coffee for himself - Lewis is on a strict idea because his car is way too heavy and even a damn coffee is an absolute no-go for him.

Just when he wants to go upstairs and join his boyfriend and his daughter, his phone buzes and he quickly unlocks it. It's a tweet from Isabella and it seems like she decided to end her break from social media, that's hopefully a good sign as well.

@Isa_Racing: Miss you, Mom x [picture attached]

The attached picture shows her and her mother and Nico almost forgot how beautiful her mother actually was. It was taken on the Beach here in Monaco, it was one of their favourite spots when they were little - it was quite intimate and private and close to a cheap kiosk. Weakly, he smiles at the memories and retweets and likes the picture.

 _ **To** : Isabella_  
Toto's going to make sure you have the seat for the next season

Nico's really relieved that the father-daughter relationship between him and Bella became better during the last few months, her accident and the night after the Monaco Grand Prix made them come closer together and he absolutely can't complain about it. Alaïa adores her older sister and got way more independent than she was before.

Before she met Bella, she was used to have everyone's attention on her and she didn't want to leave her parents for more than ten minutes. Now, she seems to have found a way how to deal with the loss of the spotlight and doesn't have a problem with being without both of her parents for a few days.

 _ **From** : Isabella_  
But don't get me wrong, I won't walk around in Merc stuff all the time, my sweaters are way more comfortable

Chuckling, he grabs his cup of coffee, a water bottle for his boyfriend and goes upstairs. They don't notice him, so he watches them playing in awe. It's adorable how Lewis teaches her English and makes sure she has the most British accent ever and he loves how Alaïa accepts everything - even the head of a sleeping dog in the living room of her dollhouse.

Carefully, he places everything on the coffee table and takes some photos, one of those pictures is absolutely going to be his new home screen.

 _ **To** : Isabella_  
We'll talk about that, maybe Lewis can lend you some of his Merc sweaters, I don't know why but they're quite comfy

”Daddy!”, Alaïa exclaims when she notices him standing in the door and he smiles. ”Hey Princess, did you have fun with Lewis?” Nodding, his daughter stands up, runs towards him and hugs his leg. ”Yes, we played with his doggy! And then it fell asleep with the head in Bella's and my dollhouse!”

Roscoe does some weird voices and Nico picks her up. ”Well, I'm glad you had fun. Liebling, Bella has the seat for next season and I kind of told her you would lend her some of your Merc sweaters.” Surprised and confused, the Britain looks at his boyfriend, noticed the cup of coffee and the water bottle and moves the table closer to himself, Roscoe and the dollhouse.

 _ **From** : Isabella_  
You seriously want me to wear your boyfriend's clothes?

”She wrote me she wouldn't walk around in Merc stuff all the time because it wouldn't be comfy enough, and well ... somehow, your Merc sweaters are kind of really comfy.“ Lewis shakes his head, chuckles to himself and watches Alaïa falling asleep in her father's arms. “Well, if she really wants to walk around in my sweaters, then she can wear all of my sweaters, I don't really care.“

To: Isabella  
We're a patchwork family, Bella, and that's what family does

__

* * *

 

 _ **From** : Bella_  
Now you've got 2 reasons to visit a DTM race next year: Fabian at the Porsche Cup and me as a DTM driver

When his phone vibrates in the pocket of his jacket, Sebastian quickly excuses himself and leaves the cafeteria. His fiancée watches him confused and then continues the discussion with some crew members.

The door closes behind him and he takes his phone out of his pocket - it's slightly inappropriate to leave during lunch, but he's on a diet anyways and he already had lunch before, so it should be alright.

 _ **To** : Bella_  
Amazing, congratulations! Can't wait to see you racing again!

DTM is not Formula One, but he knows it's less demanding and according to Pascal not that different from driving a Formula One car, so it's probably a good way for her to start again.

And he can make Fabian look after her, maybe she didn't notice it, but for some reasons, the hate constantly grows and he just doesn't want something else happen to her. Fans - and people in general - can be cruel, really cruel, and she has been through too much horrible things already.

 _ **To** : Fabi_  
You look after her next year, don't you?

With a huge smile plastered on his face, he makes his way back inside and earns weird looks from his crew. “What happened outside?“, asks a guy from the strategy crew which stays here in Maranello and he chuckles. “Just got good news, that's all.“

Everyone seems to be happy with his answer and so everything goes back to normal; they eat and he watches them, wishing he could also have a piece of pizza right now.

Sometimes, Sebastian wonders if it really was the right decision to go to Ferrari. Sure, he felt like leaving RedBull was necessary for his development as a driver and he always dreamed of racing for Ferrari. 

At the beginning, everything was perfect. The crew and he worked perfectly together and over the years, they managed to get closer and closer to the silver arrows. But then, after winning his fifth championship, they still expected more from him, it felt like winning wasn't enough anymore.

And with his coming out, things just became even weirder between him, the team and Maurizio Arrivabene. For God's sake, they just kicked Bella out of the Ferrari Driver's Academy because _she protected him_. Nobody talks about it, but he still thinks the desicion was absolutely unfair - she protected a friend, a person who matters a lot to her, there's nothing wrong with that. If someone should had been kicked out, it would had been him or the guy who made her protect Sebastian, but not her.

Kimi, on the other hand, tries to forget what happened at the pizzeria. Yes, he is aware of the fact his fiancée still thinks about it a lot, but Isabella's perfectly fine without being a member of the Ferrari Driver's Academy and Sebastian tends to worry a lot about the people close to him.

 _ **To** : Bella_  
Can you help me with something and keep it a secret just between us? 

Placing his phone on the table, he looks around the cafeteria and listens to the conversation of the crew, mainly because it's the perfect excuse to look in his fiancée's direction.

“Kimi?“ Surprised, he watches Sebastian standing and walking towards him. “You offered me to practice the last sector of the Spanish Grand Prix, remember? And now that we're already here ... “, he trails of and smiles adorably. “Oh, yeah, sure, we can do that now if you've got nothing else to do.” Quickly, he grabs his phone, stands up as well and follows the German out of the cafeteria.

 _ **From** : Bella_  
Sure, what do you need my help for?

”I've got news for you and they're amazing.” Exited, he looks at the Finn who just chuckles. ”Then why don't you tell me those amazing news, love?” Playfully, Sebastian slaps his arm and rolls his eyes. ”That's exactly what I'm going to do in a sec.”

Overdramatically, he does some weird air drum moves and smiles proudly. ”Bella's going to be a DTM driver for the next season, you know, Pascal became the youngest DTM champion ever before starting his F1 career and Fabian can look after her.“

Surprised, Kimi looks at him and is pulled into a close hug. “It's less physically demanding than F1 and she doesn't have any expectations to live up to, it's awesome, isn't it?“

Quietly, the Finn chuckles and nods, he just adores how excited and happy his fiancée is for the young woman who really means a lot to the two of them. “We should get her a present and I think I already know the perfect present.“

His phone vibrates and he quickly looks around before kissing the German's forehead. “I just have to send a message, then I'm all yours, babe. I still didn't start teaching you how to improve your last sector for the Spanish Grand Prix.“

 _ **To** : Bella_  
You have to teach me German, I want to say my wedding vow in German

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions, anyone?


	23. thursday | Lewis

There's so much going on right now. Nico's working with Toto and the big boss on my contract for next year's season, I spend the whole night with researching cute stuff for Kimi's wedding vow which sounds good in German and English - which is actually harder than it sounds - and Pascal's coming tomorrow to help me with the first design of my DTM car.

But even with so much going on, I just can't forget what Lewis said. My research was hopeless, according to the world wide web, there's no other logical explanation for my behaviour than love.

And it's scaring the shit out of me. I don't do love. I just don't. I promised myself I would never fall in love and now I'm apparently breaking that promise with falling in love with Lance fucking Stroll? Not really an acceptable reason for breaking my promise, but it's better to have a reason than to have none, right?

Frustrated, I groan and turn the TV on, for what feels like the thousandths time in the last hour. Love. Quietly, I chuckle to myself and shake my head in disbelief. For God's sake, there must be another explanation. Maybe I'm just sick? Or he used some kind of special fragrance like the guy in Patrick Süßkind's _„Das Parfum“_?

We had to read the novel once in German class and it's literally about a guy with an expectional sense of smell who becomes a killer of girls to keep their unique smells. It was absolutely nothing for me, it was weird, strange, and it didn't help that my teacher praised the novel as the best book we would have read in that school year.

But hey, who knows, maybe Lance figured out a technique like the guy in the novel did? Scoffing under my breath, I grab my phone, unlock it and press the _'send'_ -button for a message I already typed in last night.

 _ **To** : Lewis_  
How can you unlove a person?  
PS: That doesn't mean you're right, I'm just asking for a friend

The research for cute stuff to put into a wedding vow that sounds good in German and English made me obviously read lots of romantic things and it kept me up until 2 am. Then, a nurse came in and offered me sleeping pills which I gladly took.

Sure, I've seen how love can be for other people, I mean, Paolo's still happily to his first and only love of his life, most of his silblings are happily married as well and my granddad still talks about my grandma like he has never seen another woman. Sebastian and Kimi are happily engaged, Keke and Sina don't show much emotions but they have this sparkle in their eyes whenever they tell each other _”i love you”_ and Nico seems to be happy with Nico.

So it's not like I have only seen the bad side of love, but it's the only side I have experienced until now. Love can be beautiful, for sure, but it can also make you blind. Love can destroy you, kill you, love can hurt like hell. And even if you experience love as the beautiful feeling it can be, you also get to know its bad side.

 _ **From** : Lewis_  
Tell your friend you can't unlove a person, you have to find a way how to deal with loving a person

”I hate you too”, I mumble under my breath and roll my eyes. What if he was right, what if I loved or at least liked him more than I probably should? Obviously, we can't be together. We just can't. That kind of secret relationship thingy absolutely wouldn't work for us at all. He's a Formula One driver and I'm going to be a DTM driver next year, we wouldn't have the time to secretly meet and we absolutely wouldn't have the luxury of being teammates.

Which means if he was right, I have to figure out another way how to deal with it. But there must be another logical explanation for my behaviour, there are always at least two explanations - maybe one explanation is way more obvious than the second one, but there just has to be another one.

 _ **To** : Lewis_  
My friends says thanks for the unmotivating answer, you suck and don't tell Nico or you're a dead man walking, I swear to God

Someone knocks on the door, I turn the TV off - it's not like I can focus on it anyways right now and it obviously doesn't help as a distraction - and sit up. ”Yeah?” Lewis comes in and I quietly scoff under my breath. ”Are you serious? Why a-” ”Because you just admitted that I was right and I'm not sure if I like the idea of you being in love.”

Almost I choke on my own salvia and he sits down on a chair. ”Listen, I'm _not_ in love, I just didn't find the other explanation yet.” Slightly, he laughs and watches me closely. ”Sure, tell yourself the lies until you believe them, but the only explanation was, is and is always going to be love.“ I roll my eyes and place my phone on the table, it's not like I need it now anyways. “For God's sake, you just want me to admit I'm afraid of love and what it can do to someone. Okay, great, here we go: I am fucking afraid of love.“

He sighs quietly and there's something worried in his expression. ”Tell me something I don't know, Bella, it was obvious you're afraid of love. And I totally understand you, when my parents got divorced, I was done with love and all those on-off relationships were quite aweful. But Nico made me realise how beautiful and amazing love can actually be and maybe Lance is the person for you.”

According to my Google research, it's unusual for a man who's that close to me like Lewis is to support a relationship so hard and I don't really understand why he's doing it. ”Even if you were right, we couldn't be together. So I don't know why we're still talking about it. How do you want to propose to Nico? We should probably start working on your German again.”

My phone vibrates, I grab it and unlock it quickly. ”Bella, don't change the damn topic. Why do you think you couldn't be together? You guys wouldn't be the first secret F1 couple.”

 _ **From** : Nico_  
Contract's finished!

 _ **To** : Nico_  
Great, thank you.

I absolutely don't know what to say, so I just decide to ignore his comment. We wouldn't be the first secret F1 couple? Are or were there already couples or does he know about Sebastian and Kimi? ”Why do you think you couldn't be together?”, he repeats and I groan quietly, why can't we just change the goddamn topic?

”Because, firstly, he's a Formula One driver and I'm going to be a DTM driver next year, the schedules are completely different! And he has no connections to DTM, so it would probably be quite suspicious. Secondly, we would have to continue the all-time rival thingy which would everything even more weirder and thirdly”, I state and mentally thank myself for the pro and contra list I did, ”I don't want a relationship. Not at all.”

Ruffling through his hair, he sighs frustrated. ”So what? I'm going to visit you next year as well and I obviously also don't have connections to DTM, nobody fucking cares about that, Bella. For the media, it's just going to be a cute gesture.”

Maybe he's right, but I don't want him to be right. ”Secondly, you could visit the F1 races on your race free weekends and he could do the same for you. And it wouldn't be suspicious because you wouldn't have to be at his garage. You would be always welcomed at my garage and I think your fellow Germans wouldn't have a problem with having you at their garage as well.”

He takes a deep breath and I hate that he's somehow right. ”And you just don't want a relationship because you're afraid of love and because you didn't experience how amazing and beautiful love can actually be. That would change if you let him closer.”

A bitter laugh passes my lips and I roll my eyes at him. ”Good joke, Lewis, good joke. I can't let him closer and I won't let him closer. And I'm still doing my research, so maybe I can figure out the other logical explanation.“ Sighing, he stands up and walks over to the windows. “Don't be so stubborn, Bella, you just don't want to admit that I'm right.”

”No, I do-” ”Bella.” Scoffing, I cross my arms in front of my torso and watch him. ”Lewis, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but it doesn't work and it won't work in the future. I don't need love in my life, I'm getting myself a dog or a cat who gets all the love I have, that's enough. Plus a wet tounge in your face is better than lips pressed onto yours.”

His phone rings and he quietly groans when he sees the caller ID. ”Sorry, but we have to continue this discussion another time, I've gotta go.” Before I can even answer, he ruffles through my hair and leaves the room. ”Great”, I mumble and sigh.

Not even ten minutes after he left the room, I'm really bored. Alaïa's still at her kindergarten and I don't feel like talking to Nico right now. The Hulk is doing some promotional stuff today, Max still ignores me and I don't want to start a RedBull war. Felipe's busy with his own son, Keke and Sina are away and Stoffel's at the team's headquarter. Charles has a race this weekend so he obviously can't come by and Matteo, Paolo and the rest of my family are also busy.

@Isa_Racing: Can't wait to be finally out of this hellhole (it's nice, but boring and I've got absolutely nothing to do help)

So I check my social networks, do some snaps with the new filters and upload them without a comment - I'm in hospital, I don't have to look bloody awesome right now. Then, I scroll down my Tumblr Timeline, reblog and like some posts. I also comment some fan analysis of the last race - those analysis are good, sure, but I can add the experience of driving a Formula One car and help them understand how hard and difficult it actually is.

Just when I want to close the Tumblr App, I get an Instagram notification - Lance is doing a Livestream right now on Instagram. Heck, I don't even remember when I started following him, but apparently, I do. For a few seconds, I hesitate, it might send the wrong signals, but for God's sake, I'm bored and have absolutely nothing better to do. 

My heart's beating a bit faster when I join his Livestream and of course, the fans notice me. ”Oh, hi Isabella, are you so bored that you decided my Livestream is the best thing to watch right now? Damn, I'm feeling so honoured right now”, he comments and even though he wants to try to sound as badass as possible, the smile is absolutely honest.

The fans ask him questions and he tries to answer as many as possible, and sometimes, I help some fans out and repeat their questions when I personally like them. I didn't expect it, but whenever I repeat a question, he actually answers it and even greets the fan who asked the question. He's in his room in Geneva, but it doesn't look like it usually does.

”In case some of you wonder why my room seems so empty and boring, it's because I'm moving to Monaco next week and I had to start packing already. I felt like it's time to finally have an apartment of my own and everything and Felipe helped me getting an apartment as soon as possible - and I can move in next Thursday. It's really exciting and I can't wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... opinions?   
> What do you think is going to happen?


	24. friday | the truth

During the last week, I isolated myself a tiny bit more every day.  
On Friday, I refused to continue the discussion with Lewis but glared out of the window instead and told Pascal to not visit me, claiming I didn't feel well enough to talk about my DTM car for the next season.  
On the weekend, I didn't skype with Keke and Sina like I promised and I told the nurses to leave me the hell alone.  
On Monday, I didn't answer any text messages and didn't answer any calls.  
On Tuesday, I didn't skype with Alaïa, I just layed in my bed and watched some trash series on TV.  
On Wednesday, I turned off my phone and made a nurse place it in the back of my wardrobe.  
On Thursday, I told the nurses to let nobody in and leave me alone until I would tell them otherwise.

It's 6 am and I can't sleep. I just can't sleep, I'm totally restless. Heck, I can't even lay still for more than 5 minutes. If this is what love actually is, I totally hate it.

Slowly, I throw my covers away, stand up and yawn sleepily. My mom always used to go out for a bit with me when I couldn't sleep when I was younger, maybe it's going to help me now as well. Grabbing my crutches, I make my way to the window, open it and go outside.

It's really chilly and for a moment, I think about changing in something warmer than the boxershorts and the wide tee I wear, but I'm way too lazy for that. I improved my walking with the damn crutches a lot and I'm kind of proud of myself for it - I don't look like an utter idiot anymore, just like an idiot.

The view I have from the balcony is amazing, I can see the beach and the sea, I can see the pizzeria - or more likely the roof Sebastian proposed to Kimi - and without seeing the streets, I could describe my way to school. After my mom's last boyfriend, Lance is the second one to kind of invade my second home - if I don't count Mick who just was here for the Grand Prix after all - and I don't like it at all.

It's fascinating, watching the city waking up. Matteo, Paolo and I used to stay up all night at least one time during the summer holidays and watched the city slowly waking up and then, we always had pizza and ice cream for breakfast.

I see Max leaving his apartment building - it's obvious it's him because he wears his RedBull stuff - and I sigh quietly, I do actually miss him, I think.

“Bella, we need to talk.“ Wincing, I let my crutches fall down and turn around in shock, only to see Lewis standing in my hospital room. “W-what are you doing here?“ Is it really so difficult to understand that I don't want to see anyone right now? “You can't keep doing what you're doing.“

Quietly, I scoff and he picks up my crutches. “And what am I doing in your opinion?“ Somehow, I make my way back inside and sit down on my bed. “You're isolating yourself. You're isolating yourself, maybe because you realised I was right, maybe because he just moved to Monaco, I don't know, but I know it's wrong.“

Eyes rolling, I look at him. “And why do you think you know what's wrong and what's right?“ Sighing, he sits down and plays nervously with his hands. “When Nico won the championship, I was obviously angry. Angry at myself for not being better, angry at the car for the damn engine failure, angry at the team for everything they did to help him win.“

Weakly, I nod, what he tells me is absolutely understandable. “They threw this huge part for him at the hotel in Abu Dhabi and I emptied the mini bar of my room. They had surprisingly much alcohol, probably because they wanted us to come back to the hotel for the next season's final in Abu Dhabi. Drunk, frustrated and angry, I went downstairs, just to see Vivian and Nico making out in the middle of the hallway.”

Truth is, I have absolutely no clue what he wants to tell me, but it seems to be about him and Nico so it might be helpful in the future. ”For some reasons, I grabbed him, hugged him and congratulated him. _”Remember when we talked about being Formula One Worldchampions?”_ , I asked him and Vivian literally pushed me away from him, _”now we can battle against each other next year as champions, it's going to be fun.”_ Before he could answer me, she kissed him.”

It still hurts him, thinking about probably one of the worst days of his life. ”I don't remember the rest of the party, but I remember waking up in my hotel room with Nico sitting on my bed and watching me. He told me about his plan of retiring and I thought he just wanted to prank me, but it didn't. Fuck, it hurt. It really hurt because we suddenly were in the situation we both dreamed of as kids - Nico and me, both worldchampions, racing against each other in epic battles.”

With teary eyes, he looks out of the window and I feel sorry for him. ”And I kicked him out. I packed all my things and flew back to Monaco as fast as possible. Back at home, I started isolating myself. I still don't know if I already had those feelings for him or if I just couldn't deal with his retirement, but I didn't want to see a single person.”

I swallow and he chuckles bitterly. ”God, I thought it would help me, but it absolutely didn't. Instead, it made everything worse because I was completely alone with my thoughts and feelings and I pushed everyone who wanted to help me as far as possible away from me.”

Okay, maybe he knows what he's talking about after all, but just because it didn't work for him, it doesn't have to be the same for me. ”It took me a while to realise I was just afraid. I was so used to have him as my teammate and I absolutely didn't want to have another one because very deep down inside me, I have always kind of loved him, I just couldn't realise it as long as we were teammates or at least rivals.”

”So you're sayi-” ”And because I don't want you to go through the same shit, I helped Lance moving to Monaco. Nico helped as well, just like your fellow Germans, Kimi, Felipe and Stoffel. You _have_ to talk to him, Bella. You have to open up to him.”

In disbelief, I stare at him. He can't be serious. He just can't. ”Lewis, no, I don't fucking want to open up to hi-” ”That's why I invited him. Come in, dude!” That's it. I absolutely can't believe it and watch the Canadian coming in with my mouth wide open.

”W-what the actual hell is going on?”, I mumble after a few minutes of akward silence and my heart beats way faster than usual. ”This is called confrontation. I'm confrontating you with your fear and you have to find a way how to deal with it. Just like Toto did it to me, but I didn't want to spoiler this for you.”

This must be a dream. Or more likely, it just can't be real. ”So, I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone and I'm going to lock the door behind me which means you're stuck in here until you talked. Oh, and thank me later, Bella.”

Quickly, he exactly does it while I just sit here on my bed, totally frozen in shock. Lewis just locked me up in my own hospital room with Lance fucking Stroll. Great.

”I ... I uh ... I didn't know that part of his idea, he told me you kind of wanted to see me.” A bitter chuckle passes my lips, of course Lewis told him bullshit like this. ”Well, I never told him I kind of wanted to see you.”

Then, it's silent again for a while. He akwardly looks out of the window and I angrily state at the door, I really don't understand why Lewis did it.

”Uh ... I hope you didn't have uh ... any problems with moving in ... and in the name of my family I guess I have to ... I have to welcome you to Monaco”, I mumble after what feels like ages and I mentally slap myself for showing weakness. ”Thanks and yeah, everything went well.”

I take a deep breath and nods weakly because I absolutely don't know what else to do. ”How are you?” When I look at the mirror, I can see his reflection in the window and I sigh quietly. ”To be honest, I have absolutely no clue how I feel, it has been way too much for me those last few days. How are you?”

He turns around and walks around the room. ”Good, I guess, but I'm not really sure about that.” It's low-key making me crazy, seeing him walking around whilst knowing it's going to take me months to walk again. ”Could you maybe sit down or just stand still?”

For a second or maybe two, he looks at me utterly confused and nods slowly. ”Oh, sure. Sorry.” Akwardly, he sits down on the chair next to me and I look down on my hands. ”This is probably really inappropriate, but I really enjoyed the kiss”, he mumbles quietly and even if I wanted to answer, I couldn't because my mouth is as dry as the Sahara.

”And I ... I uh hoped you could maybe ... show me around someday when you're out? You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously.” When I slightly nod, I'm surprised by my own actions - I don't fucking want to show him around, why the hell am I nodding? ”Sure, I can do that.” Mentally, I slap myself really, really hard right now and roll my eyes at myself. It's officially declared: I hate love. It's the most useless and stupid feeling slash emotion slash whatever of the whole universe.

”Cool. Don't you ... uh ... say something about the kiss as well? You know, you usually do that.” Quietly, I groan and want to shake my head, but my body doesn't listen to me. ”I uh ... I kind of enjoyed it as well.”

No, I didn't, I didn't fucking enjoy the kiss. And I should absolutely stop with blurting out stuff I don't want to say because it's not true at all. ”And would you push me away if I kissed you again?” Carefully, he places his hand underneath my chin and makes me look directly into his eyes. His hand feels so unbelievable soft and warm and there's this weird feeling in my lower stomach again. ”I don't know”, I mumble while he caresses my skin.

”Well then”, he whispers and comes closer and closer, ”let me try.” His lips meet mine and I shiver slightly. I don't want it. I really don't want it. But for some reasons, really deep down inside me, I kind of enjoy it - which makes it even worse. Gently, he pulls me closer and I kiss him back.

Truth is, the kiss feels fucking amazing and I hate him for kissing so mind blowing good. I can feel him smile against my lips and a part of me wants to slap the hell out of him. The other part just wants to kiss him for the rest of my life.

”Wow.” Out of breath, he holds himself up on my left and right sides and all I can do is nod. ”We could try it out and we could take it as slow as you want or need us to.”

When I break the eye contact, move a bit backwards and look down, he kneels down in front of my bed and I can't help but chuckle slightly. ”It's ... it's just so ... overwhelming.” Before taking my hands, he gives me a questioning look and I just nod, I hate him for making me want to kiss him over and over again and for that weird feeling in my lower stomach that is kind of amazing.

”That's why we would take it as slow as you want or need us to be, so you could get used to it slowly.” He looks so hopeful and happy, even if the part that just wants to kiss him didn't exist, I couldn't dare to slap the hell out of him right now. The hand he holds feels positively weird and I guess that was what Lewis meant with showing me how beautiful and amazing love can actually be.

”I uh ... okay, let's try it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So .. Lance and Bella are ... kind of together? Opinions? #TeamLance or #TeamForGodsSakeNotLance ?


	25. tuesday | freedom

The last few days, we spend with talking a lot. We talked about God and the whole universe, about what we already went through together and it surprisingly felt nice. Maybe, we even kissed a few more times, but that was it.

Today, I'm finally getting out of this hellhole of a hospital. The original plan was to keep me in here and then make me straight go to rehab, but because my body obviously needs more time than expected to heal, they're letting me out today. And maybe, being with the people I care about instead with stressed doctors, bored or pissed of nurses could also be a factor for a quick recovery.

And I can't fucking wait to finally leave this goddamn building. Lance is picking me up, I'm going to show him around Monaco in my wheelchair and then, he's going to drop me off at a hotel. There, I'm going to sign the contract for next year's DTM season and together with Toto and Nico, I'm going to film a short announcement video that's going to be uploaded in the next couple of days.

After that, Nico, Alaïa, Keke and I are going to have a early dinner at the pizzeria. It has to be early because there's that promotion thingy Toto wants me to visit with Nico and it starts at 7 pm, so we're going to do exactly that. And then, around 9 pm, I'm finally coming home.

It's going to be a really stressful day, but I'm just happy to be finally free again. Sina helped me packing all my stuff yesterday and she took most of it already with her because I don't need that much for my last night. And she left condoms in the very back of the backpack with everything I need for the last night and the last few hours in this hellhole, so somebody - it only can be Nico or Lewis - has already told her about Lance and me trying it out.

Lost in my thoughts or more likely lost in the awesome view I have from my hospital room, I didn't hear him knocking on the door and coming in. Of course, he has to use that small advantage and I wince in surprise when he holds his hands in front of my eyes. ”Guess who's here”, he mumbles against my neck and I get goosebumps. ”Wow, that's really hard. Romain, is this you? Are you really trying to cover your French accent up with an American?”

”Guess again, swea-” ”Oh right, it's the dude who always forgets I hate those romantic nickname thingy.” Slightly laughing, I take his hands and he pouts. ”Anyways, are you done with everything?” Eyes rolling, I nod, he's kind of my uh ... he's kind of the person closest to me and not my father. ”Yes, Sir. Can we pretty please leave now?” Chuckling, he turns me around and gently kisses my forehead. ”Sure, let's go.”

So we make our way downstairs and out of the hospital. “Here, I noticed you usually put some on when you're out”, he says and hands me a pair of sunglasses - it's the pair I got at the team base in Hinwil - and I look at him surprised. ”Thanks, I absolutely didn't think of that.” Playfully hurt, he looks at me and dramatically places his hand onto his chest, right over his heart. ”Ow, that hurt, Bella.”

”Well, I'm absolutely not sorry for that”, I answer with a smirk. Maybe he forgot we're actually in public, but I absolutely don't want to risk rumours about us being a couple - even though they're kind of true. ”Then let's start our little Sightseeing tour, turn left and follow the street until you're walking on sand. Because then, my dear Canadian all-time rival, we're at the beach. You know, it's the place where we sunbath and go swimming since most of us.”

It's taking me back to the Monaco Grand Prix when I showed around Sebastian and Fabian, everything was better back then. Just like I did with them, I show him literally everything and this time, I even add useless historic facts and historical backgrounds just because I can.

So I show him the school I went to before Formula One completely changed my life, the Jardin Exotique de Monaco - which is still one of my absolute favourite places - and of course the pizzeria. Then of course the harbour, the Prince's Palace, the kindergarten Alaïa goes to, the doctor's office of the doctor who's going to make my prothesis, my favourite bar, the only store that see Ben and Jerry's and some other buildings that might be interesting or have an interesting historical background.

”You're such a nerd, Bella.” Quietly, he chuckles and I just grin at him. ”Shouldn't surprise you, I read those historical books literally all the time when we were teammates and you used to hide my books when I was busy and you had some free time.”

We enter the hotel lobby and before I can ask the receptionist where the room for the meeting is, she already tells us where to go. So we make our way to the huge room and it's akwardly silent during the elevator ride.

”Why don't you stay for half an hour? We're way too early anyways and uh ... well ... you know.” Frowning, he looks at me and I swallow hard. ”Bella, I don't thi-“ “Please, I absolutely did not have the intention to hurt you“, I mumble and look down, not being really comfortable with looking into his eyes right now, “or something like that, but if you don't want to stay, then leave.“

Scoffing, I turn around and move myself to the huge window front. He sighs and I roll my eyes. “I'm just so ashamed of how I behaved when we were younger“, he mumbles as he hugs me from behind and lays his head onto mine, “god, I was such an asshole back then.“ I chuckle slightly and take his hands. “Yeah, you were the second biggest asshole I had meet back then.“

\---

Exactly thirty-five minutes later, Dieter Zetsche, the big boss, officially welcomes everyone and I put on the best fake smile I ever put on in my whole life.

For God's sake, Lance and I had to stop cuddling so I could sit here and earn weird and critical glares, great. Just when I somehow felt comfortable with having him that close to me, we had to stop for this boring meeting thingy. I probably should be excited because I'm just minutes away from signing the contract for next year's DTM season, but I'm just bored as hell. And I'm wearing the typical Mercedes flannel - Lance said I would look lovely in it, but I think it's making me seem even more pale than I actually am.

”Usually, we do meetings like this in Brackley at our team base, but we couldn't expect Isabella to do everything on the day she finally is out of the hospital”, Toto explains and I wave akwardly at the unimpressed men looking at me, ”so thank you very much for coming to Monaco.” For some reasons, everyone claps politely and so I join them.

”Then let's get this done, are you ready, Isabella?” Slightly nervously, I nod and he gives me a reassuring smile before placing the contract and a fancy pen. Quickly, the Head of the filming crew or however they're called stands up and nods when he starts filming.

Taking a deep breath, I grab the pen and with shaking hands, I sign the contract. ”Welcome to the Mercedes-Benz family, Isabella.” Dieter shakes my hand, followed by Toto and the other men who still seem to be unimpressed as fuck. When they're all done, Nico quickly hugs me and I chuckle slightly. ”Congratulations, Bella”, he mumbles, ”I'm so proud of you.”

”Before we start filming the short announcement video, I have something for you. Lewis, Pascal and Valteri sadly can't be here today, but they have a video message for you.” Surprised, I look at Toto and can't stop but smile when he hands me an iPad and presses play.

”Bella, congratulations! Don't worry, I'll show you around the team base when you visit it for the first time, it's going to be so amazing!” Lewis proudly smiles into the camera and I roll my eyes, how can an actual human being be this excited? ”I already met your crew, they're all really nice and I don't know about them but I know you can actually win the title next year. Anyways, see you soon and enjoy your time!”

Next is Valteri and I'm quite sure he filmed it here in Monaco. ”First of all, welcome to the MB-family - I know you Germans pronounce it differently - and congratulations. It's really exciting, isn't it? Can't wait to see you racing again next year, it's really good to have you back. Good luck and you have my number, so if you have any questions, you can always ask me.” Akwardly, he waves at the camera and I laugh quietly, he's cute somehow.

”I heard you want to steal the record of the youngest DTM champion ever from me?” Playfully pouting, Pascal looks into the camera and everyone who doesn't understand German looks utterly confused when I start laughing. ”It's going to be difficult for you, but you have me as your personal coach, so maybe you can do at and no, I won't be pissed at you but I would be the loudest one to cheer for you. Congratulations, Bella, and welcome to the Mercedes-Benz family.”

”Cuties", I mumble and smile weakly, I can't wait to see him again. ”By the way, I got to chat with Maurizio during the last race weekend, they're going to publish the announcement that you're not a member of the Ferrari Driver's academy anymore tomorrow, so we're going to update the announcement video a few days later.”

\---

When the unimpressed men are gone, we finally start filming the video. ”Hey guys”, I say smiling into the camera, ”I guess you all already heard the news - I'm kind of on my own. Okay, actually, I'm not.” Nico chuckles and I playfully roll my eyes at him. ”And I'm really excited and happy to announce that I'm going to join the Mercedes-Benz DTM drivers for next year's season.” Of course, I pronounce Mercedes-Benz the German way which makes both men chuckle. ”And yes, that's how you actually pronounce it in German.”

”We're really excited to work together with Isabella, not because Nico's her father, but because we have seen what she can do in a weak Formula One car, so it's going to be interesting what she can do with a hopefully DTM car”, Toto comments and smiles. ”It's going to be her first full season with pre-season testing and everything with the professionals, so Nico is going to make sure she doesn't get too overwhelmed and everything.”

After filming some other variations of the announcement video, we pose for photos. For some, I sit in my wheelchair, showing my healing scars and the absolutely aweful looking scars of the operations after my crash while I stand with my crutches for other photos. Obviously, I prefer the photos with me standing, mainly because my sweatpants cover up my knee and it makes me look less weird.

Then, we say our goodbyes and by the time I sit in Nico's car, I'm done with everything. I just want to go into my bed and sleep for God's sake, but I can't. It's 4 pm and I'm tired, damn, I'm really getting old.

While he drives, I check my phone and smile when I see I have a new message - by him. ”He's making you happy, isn't he?”, he mumbles and I swallow. Does Lance make me happy? Probably, yeah, but I can't forget how weird Lewis acted when he came into my room and before he kissed me.

From: $troll  
Are you free tomorrow? x

”I'm not sure if I told you, but I have that presentation thingy I have to go to tomorrow and I could take Alaïa with me, but I'm not sure if flying to Berlin and back home in 24 hours is go-” ”Of course I can take her as long as you don't have a problem with him helping me out a bit.” He chuckles and takes my hand for a second. ”No, I don't have a problem with him being with my two girls tomorrow.”

Probably, I should change his name, but that would be way too much for the part of me that still wants to slap him hard. 

To: $troll  
Not really, but Alaïa and I have the whole house by ourselves and we kind of both miss you x

”Great, then let's park the car and have some pizza, I'm literally starving right now.”


	26. thursday | “I kind of have a boyfriend?“

For what feels like ages, I stare at the screen of my phone and it takes me a lot of courage to press the _'send'_ -button on the touchscreen. Now I can't go back anymore.

 _ **To** : Matteo™_  
I need to talk to you, cousin dear

Nico's flight back home got delayed because of the weather and Keke picked up Alaïa yesterday evening, so last night, it was just him and me. Not exactly, Roscoe and Coco were also here, but I have absolutely no clue what they did last night.

And we spend the night watching all existing Marvel movies in the correct order which was quite fun. He asked dumb questions because he absolutely had and probably still has no clue about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and its connections and differences to the comics and I answered every single one of it.

When I was younger, Marvel used to save my day. Whenever there was an argument, I just sat down in a corner and read some comics. Whenever my mom's last boyfriend was finished with me and left me on my own, I watched some kind of Marvel Movie, read some comics or played with some action figures and I used to think about what a Marvel character would do in my situation.

Once I imagined Black Widow aka Natasha Romanoff would had been gone through what just happened minutes ago and for the whole night, I thought of what she would had been done to him. Or I through about what Captain America aka Steve Rogers would had done if he had been walking in. If was quite satisfying, I have to admit and it probably saved me from doing something really risky.

So Marvel Universe in general was always kind of a save space for me. And it meant a lot to me, watching all those movies with him.

After Ant-Man, he was really tired but didn't want to stop the amazing Marvel Movie marathon we had, but during Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2, he fell asleep on the couch - I absolutely don't understand how you can fall asleep during a fucking Marvel Movie - and I didn't wake him up, so we both slept on the couch. While he's still asleep, I know what I have to do.

 _ **From** : Matteo™_  
Wow okay, this seems to be really serious. What's up, Bella?

Quietly, he snores in his sleep and don't ask me why, but I think it's quite adorable for some reasons. In addition to that, he mumbles my name and his sleepy voice is just fucking cute. When he pulls me closer, I let him and gently ruffle through his hair, it's so soft and fluffy.

Even though I exactly know what I have to do and even though I know I have to do it now before he finds it out on his own or before someone blurts the news out while being in the restaurant, I'm afraid of telling him. My dear cousin tends to freak out over the most stupid things and I can't imagine how he's going to deal with those news.

 _ **To** : Matteo™_  
I kind of uh ... have a boyfriend or something like that?

As fast as I can, I hide my phone under the pillows and take a few deep breaths. This is actually happening, I just told Matteo, the most overprotective guy I know that I kind of have a boyfriend or however you want to call what we are.

For God's sake, I should have waited with telling him until Lance is out of the country for the next Grand Prix. By now, he's probably freaking out already and telling the staff and Paolo the news. There's no turning back right now, I can't change it.

My phone rings and I groan - I don't want to pick up the call, but I also don't want to wake up Lance, so I don't have a choice right now. Eyes rolling, I answer the call, stand up and leave the room. ”Listen, Matteo, please don't freak ou-” ”Who is the guy? Do I know him? Does Paolo know him?”

He's calmer than I expected him to be, but I can tell he's low-key freaking out. ”You both probably don't know him personally, but I ... I think you heard about him. Actually, I'm sure you heard about him.” Nervously, I grab one of my crutches and go outside on the terrace, I have absolutely no idea how he's going to react.

”And what's his name?”, he asks, his voice slightly shaking. ”Before I tell you his name, promise me to not freak out, okay?” Taking a deep breath, I sit down and look around the garden. ”Why are you telling me this, Bella?”

There's the pool I always wanted to have in my garden as a kid and in the very back, there's the small house I'm probably going to take care of during next year's DTM season to calm down or something like that. ”Because I just don't want you to deal out, Mat. It's my life and I have to do mistakes. Maybe this is a mistake, maybe it's not, but I'm not going to find it out if I listen to you and break up with him.“

“Alright, Bella, I hope you know what you're doing.” Weakly, I nod - I hope I somehow know what I'm doing as well - before I realise he can't see me. “Thanks, Mat. It's weird, not seeing each other every single day, isn't it?“

Before Formula One, we had seen each every day or skyped at least once in 24 hours, so this is still really strange. And when I was in hospital, we skyped quite often but now he has to prepare himself for university and I have enough stuff to deal with right now. Being the overprotective guy he is, he's going to study communication and media in order to become my personal press agent.

“Yeah, it's really strange. Oh, before I forget it, congratulations on your seat for next year's DTM season, I can't wait to see you racing again even though I definitely can live without worrying about you on every single race weekend.“ In surprise, I almost choke on my own salvia and need a bit to really understand what he just said.

“You already know about the good news? Is the video already published?“ He laughs and I quietly scoff under my breath. “No, Nico had some pasta before his trip and he was so excited that he just blurted it out. But don't worry, your secret is safe with us and we're all really happy for you.“

Oh, of course it was Nico who couldn't keep the news a secret for some more days. “God, I still can't believe it, I'm actually becoming a DTM driver and can hang out with Fabian on every race weekend. And Pascal's going to help me preparing for it, you know, it's just so exciting.“ Just alone talking about it is already making me so excited for it. “How's your knee doing?“

And out of the sudden, the excitement was gone. My knee. How is my knee doing? “Apparently, my knee decided to take the whole healing process really slow. So yeah, I don't know, my knee's alright I guess.“ Frustrated, I sigh and and look down at my knee. ”Oh Bella, I'm so sorry it takes longer than you thought. Hey, why don't we meet tomorrow? I can pick you up and I can carry you up to the roof so we can have one of our top secret conversations up there.”

God, I love him. He's my best friend slash brother from another mother slash the best cousin of the whole freaking universe slash my better half slash my second half slash the most important person in my life and I absolutely don't know what I would do without him. ”Sure, but I can go upstairs with my crutches, you know that, right?” I can hear him scoff and I chuckle slightly. ”We can discuss that tomorrow. Be ready around 11, okay? Love you, Bella.”

Matteo has the fascinating talent of always being at least an hour too late, that is the reason why Paolo made me go into his class, because he was always too late. “Okay, I'm ready at 12. I love you too, see you.“ Smiling, I hang up and chuckle quietly to myself, I'm so thankful for having this idiot in my live. “You love ... ?“

Wincing, I turn around, only to see a quite pissed off Lance standing in the open window. “God, you scares me. Oh, that was just Matteo.“ I shrug and stand up slowly. “Who's Matteo and why are you meeting him?“ In disbelief, I look at him and can't help but chuckle.

“Do you remember the dude who used to be at every race and who used to keep you as far as possible away from me?“ Confused and angry, he looks at me and nods. “Yeah, he was weird and really strange, but don't fucking think about changing the topic. Who is this guy and why are you meeting him?“

Shaking my head, I sigh and roll my eyes. “Because Matteo is the dude who used to be at every race and who used to keep you as far as possible away from me and he's my cousin. He's the most important person in my life, so don't even think about insulting him or we are done.“ Clinching my fists, I look slightly angrily at him and suddenly, the part of me who still wants to slap him and push him away has the control of my body again.

“Oh“, is all he says and I scoff under my breath. “You totally don't remember him? Wow, this is really sad.” Suddenly, he hugs me and I don't know how to react. ”I'm so sorry, Bella, I'm just afraid of losing you. For God's sake, you're way out of my league and it scared the hell out of me that you said those words to someone else and not me.”

God, I wish there would be a guide how to deal with someone who's kind of your boyfriend when you suck with emotions and specially with love because I have absolutely no idea what to do and what to say. ”He's the only one I ever said those words to and I can say it because I know he really means it”, I mumble and let him pull me into a close hug, ”and he's picking me up tomorrow at noon for one of our top secret conversations on the rooftop of the pizzeria.”

Pulling me closer, he rests his head onto my shoulder and gently plays with my hair. ”That sounds lovely.” Closing my eyes, I just enjoy having him that close to me and smile. ”We used to do it weakly, we really have a lot to catch up right now.”

Lance chuckles and I quietly scoff under my breath. ”Did you already tell him ...?” I sigh and shake my head. ”No, I just told him I kind of have a boyfriend. That's enough for him to deal with for now, I was thinking about telling him your name when you're in Singapore or somewhere else far away. Just for safety reasons, obviously.”

Laughing, he ruffles through my hair, picks me up and carries me inside. ”You're unbelievable, Bella. Since I fell asleep during our movie marathon yesterday and since I know how much those Marvel movies mean to you, why don't we continue that now?”

Carefully, he lays down on the couch with me in his arms and I chuckle slightly and a tiny bit nervous. ”Before we do that, I uh ... I'm not really sure what we are, you know? Like ... are you kind of my boyfriend or are you my boyfriend or am I just too dumb to understand love?”, I blurt out and blush, I absolutely didn't want to say that at all.

”Do you want to be my girlfriend, Bella?”, he mumbles against my lips and I turn even more red. That's a huge step and I'm not sure if I can deal with being someone's girlfri- ”Oh god, yes, I would love to be your girlfriend.”

And then, he kisses me gently and makes me forget everything around us. In this exact moment, it's just us.


	27. friday | McDonald's

Sleepily, I make my way into the kitchen and scoff under my breath when I see Nico sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading newspaper. ”Morning, sweath-” ”Don't talk to me before I had my first hot chocolate.” Quietly, he chuckles to himself and I roll my eyes.

So while I wait for my hot chocolate, I watch him. This is how I always imagined my dad - sitting at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee, having a pile of newspapers to read in front of him and watching his kids amused - and I can't believe this is actually happening.

Instead of sitting down at the kitchen table and drinking my hot chocolate there, I just drink it right here, leaning myself on the fridge and pretending like I don't need those damn crutches at all. ”Thanks for taking care of Alaïa, she really enjoyed it.” Quietly, I chuckle and watch him researching something on his iPad. ”No problem, it was really fun.”

”Is that his shirt?” Confused, I look down at the tee I'm wearing and shrug. ”Think so but it also could be one of the shirts Matteo gave me when I got my first own apartment.” Before he can question it further, I quickly leave the kitchen and go back to my room.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Have a great day with your cousin x

It's just strange, having a boyfriend all of a sudden. My explanation for those still weird feelings I have for him is that they somehow developed when he stayed at my apartment and helped me taking care of Alaïa, but it kind of doesn't add up at all. And I don't really care if it adds up or not, because Lance makes me feel safe and secure and that's apparently what love is about.

Growing up with Matteo and his brothers, I always kind of learned that rules exist to be broken. So that's exactly what I'm going to do, I'm going to break a rule. Actually, I'm not sure if it's even a rule, but I'm not allowed to shower on my own for another three weeks for safety reasons and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Sure, I could ask Nico or Lance, but I absolutely don't feel like asking for help.

 _ **To** : $troll_  
You too x

\---

I hate being a woman. Or more likely, the time of the month that makes me painfully aware of the fact that I'm not pregnant at all. After a nerve wrecking shower, the realisation of the fact that I have to work out more and an embarrassing way of explaining Nico why he has to bring me a hot water bottle, I'm finally with said hot water bottle in my bed.

 _ **To** : Matteo™_  
Code red, ugh.

Instead of my typical grey sweatpants, I'm wearing a pair of black sweatpants now - for safety reasons, obviously - and a grey Marvel sweater. It's probably not the best outfit to wear for my first time being out since the day I left the hospital, but I absolutely do not fucking care. I have my period cramps, I'm allowed to look horrible slash aweful slash whatever.

 _ **From** : Matteo™_  
So Ben & Jerry's, Pizza Rucola and Afri Cola because they don't sell Fritz Cola here?

 _ **To:** Matteo™_  
You're the best x

It's 11:40 now, so I still got about twenty minutes left before he picks me up and just when I open the Twitter app, Nico knocks on the door and comes in before I can even answer. ”Hey.” Quietly, I chuckle and sit up with the hot water bottle on my lower stomach. ”Hey, what's up?” We have this one rule I personally really like: he only enters my room if he has something tell and I only enter his room if I have something to tell.

”Lewis is coming this afternoon, so I thought you could maybe ... stay with Matteo for the night?” Blushing, he looks down and I chuckle again. ”Sure, just text me when he's gone or when you two are done.” In relief, he sighs and gives me a thankful smile. ”Thank you so much, Bella.”

It's somehow adorable how embarrassed he is for having a boyfriend and a quite new relationship even though he wears some of Lewis' shirts and flannels - I'm not sure if he's aware of that or not, but I absolutely won't stop him from wearing his boyfriend's clothes. ”No problem.”

Slightly groaning, I place the hot water bottle next to me on the bed and he watches me confused. ”It's 11:55”, is all I tell him before putting on my left shoe and standing up. ”Oh yeah, right.” Quietly, I chuckle because of his talent to forget things and stand up. ”Have fun, Bella.” Smiling, I look at him, put my phone into the pocket of my sweatpants and grab my crutches. ”Thanks, you too.”

With my crutches, I leave the house and chuckle when I see Lewis' Mercedes driving into our private parking garage. I wave him, but I don't think he noticed me at all.

Matteo leans on his Land Rover and smiles cheekily at me. The car was Nico's birthday present for him - he's only two days and four hours older than me, after all - and I still think it was a nice gesture even though a cheaper car would have done it as well. Somehow, I manage to literally run with those crutches and my left leg and let myself fall into his arms. “Dude, I missed you so much, we can't be separated that long again.“

Chuckling, he puts his arms around me and we stay like this for a bit and I'm so glad to finally have my dude back. “Aww Bella, I missed you too.” It feels like he pulls me a bit closer than usual, but I think I just make that up to make this hug more special for me.

Then, he helps me getting into the car and I realise I never sat in his car before. ”It looks way better than on the pictures you send me”, I comment when he gets into his car as well and he laughs. ”Right, I totally forgot that. Now we have to find a drive through and get something because that's what we always do with new cars, right?“

When we were younger and someone of the staff, Paolo, his wife or my mom got a new car, we always did that and it kind of became a tradition. “Sounds great, I really need one of those McDonald's ice creams right now.“ Giving me a knowing look, he nods and playfully salutes. “Whatever my girl wants. But you should probably text Paolo that we're coming a bit later so our pizza doesn't get cold.“

 _ **To** : Paolo_  
We have to do the 'new car' tradition thingy, so don't expect us to be at home before 1:30 pm x

At home. I didn't refer to a place as my home for a long time. Smiling, I watch him speed up with a huge smile plastered on his face and I can tell he enjoys driving this beast of a car. “You really love it, hm?“ Matteo nods quickly and I chuckle. “And now imagine driving an even faster car while fighting with others.“

When he gives me a slightly worried look, I sigh and look down on my right knee. “Maybe I'm low-key frustrated because I just want to drive something again, who knows?“ It's just frustrating, seeing everyone else driving while I still have to wait for my damn right lower leg to fucking heal. Even Alaïa with her Bobbycar and her trainer bike has something to more or less drive.

 _ **From** : Paolo_  
Okay, it's probably going to be around 2 because it's suddenly really crowded in here x

We spend the rest of the ride to the closest McDonald's with jamming to random songs that are played on the radio and singing them as wrong and as horrible as possible. God, I really missed spending time with him, he's one of the rare amount of people who can make me laugh on a horrible day.

It's really crowded when we arrive at the closest McDonald's with a drive through and I groan. The lane for the drive through is really full and I don't feel like waiting that long for my precious ice cream. “Why don't we just go inside? We can still pretend we did the tradition, nobody's going to know we didn't.“ Laughing, he parks the car and playfully ruffles through my hair. “That's my girl. You just don't want to wait that long for your ice cream, do you?“

Because he knows he's right and I know he's right either, I just shrug and wait for him to help me getting out of the car. Sure, I could probably do it on my own, but I absolutely don't want to risk to kiss the ground in public. Not at all. Plus the car's quite high and I'm not sure if I could catch myself to prevent kissing the ground.

“I need to wash my hands, so why don't you just save a place in the line? When I'm back, you can sit down and save a table for us.“ I nod and he kisses my cheek before going inside and straight into the men's bathroom.

So I line up, take my phone and check some social media accounts of mine while waiting for my dear cousin.

“Isn't that the racing bitch?“ Eyes rolling, I try to ignore the group of teenagers on my right who watch me quite closely. “I can't imagine how someone would want to rape her, so she must have asked for it.“ While clenching my fists, I take a few deep breaths and try to keep myself as calm as possible, it's not like I can change their minds anyways.

“You may sit down now if you want to", mumbles Matteo and I wince in surprise, I didn't notice him leaving the men's bathroom. “If there's a free table, I'm going to save it for us, don't worry about that.” He nods and puts an arm around me. Oh Lord, please just make that group disappear all of a sudden.

”She totally asked for it.” I freeze and he looks at me, utterly confused. It takes him a few seconds to understand they're actually talking about me and he doesn't have to look at me to know it hurts like hell. Hell, I shared my story to raise awareness and not for horrible comments like that.

”She's the best example why woman don't belong in motorsports”, adds one of the girls and I can't believe she actually said that. ”Just keep calm, you ca-” ”Stop talking about my cousin like that. You have absolutely no clue what you're talking about and you don't know her at all, so just shut up.”

Angrily, he stands between the group and me and I sigh quietly, they aren't worth it at all. ”What are you doing if we don't stop talking about the bitch?” He growls and I try to calm him down, but it absolutely doesn't work. ”Then I have to make sure you reget every bad word you ever said about her.” One of the guys steps forward and I just want to disappear for ever and ever. ”Well, you can try but it won't work at all.”

Before one of them can start a fight - and I can tell they're only seconds away from doing so - a costumer steps between them and somehow manages to make the group leave the fast food restaurant.

In relief, I sigh and give the guy a thankful smile. I know what I have to do right now - I have to pretend what they said didn't hurt me at all even though it hurt like hell, I have to calm my dear overprotective cousin down and I have to survive the day with those fucking horrible and painful period cramps.

The day started quite nice, but by now, I'm done with everything. I just want to go back to bed and act like this never happened.

\---

@Isa_Racing: If you don't like me / the stuff I tweet, retweet & quote / whatever → there's a 'unfollow'-button

@Isa_Racing: If we meet in public and u don't like me, u don't have to share ur opinion w/ the world

@Isa_Racing: + because I don't do the same if we meet in public and I didn't like you

@Isa_Racing: Never mind, I'm sleeping on a roof with hot water bottles, B&J's and Netflix, live could be worse

@Isa_Racing: And I can't wait to be back in Monza for the Italian Grand Prix, good (really good) memories


	28. saturday | italian grand prix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I don't update for a week or so, don't worry, I just don't know how to deal with the pics of Hanna and their adorable kids.  
>  _*whispers* Sebastian Vettel just saved the entire decade without knowing it. ___

Things have been quite good between Lance and me during those last few few weeks and months. And when Pascal asked me to be at his garage for the Italian Grand Prix, I just couldn't say no. I mean, we did the impossible on this very track one year ago and it's still one of the most fascinating races of the season.

When I told Toto about the German's invitation to the race, he had another good idea. Mercedes did a competition in which the fans had to answer some silly questions about the history of the brand and Niki picked some random winners three weeks ago.  
But to be honest, I'm not sure if those winners were really picked randomly because none of them tweeted or retweeted a bad tweet about Lewis, Valteri and me and it's _slightly_ strange.

Because of a doctor's appointment, I missed the media day and the two free practice sessions yesterday, but it's fine. Expect Lance, Toto and Pascal and probably Lewis, nobody knows I'm coming and I can't wait to see some surprised faces.

It's my first time being in public since the announcement of Mercedes that I'm going to be a member of their DTM team next year and that's why Toto persists on picking me up from my family's hotel. And because I absolutely don't want to sit in my wheelchair for the next two days, I made sure to work out a lot so my arms are strong enough to help me carrying myself around the track.

So at 7:30 am sharp, I sit in Toto's Mercedes SUV and listen to his reports about how the race weekend started for the team. Lewis seemed to struggle a lot during yesterday's two practice sessions while Sebastian and Kimi broke the track record for the fastest laps a few times. Valteri didn't complain as much as Lewis did, but he wasn't that happy with his car as well.

”It's good to see you again.” Politely, he smiles at me and I chuckle slightly. ”It's good to be back at the track and it's of course good to see you again as well.” He hands me my identification badget and I smile like an idiot, I missed this piece of plastic a lot.

”You're going to surprise the fans at the beginning of the third free practice session this morning and then, they can ask you questions about what's happening on the track - for example when someone does a mistake, you can explain what the driver did wrong or something like that”, he explains what I have to do today and I nod, that's quite easy. ”After that, there's nothing happening on the track for around thirty minutes, so if you're feeling fit enough, we would love you to do a track walk with them.”

Again, I nod - hell, I didn't work out to sit in the garage for the whole weekend. ”Sure, I can do that, I probably know the track better than Lewis and Valteri anyways.” Cheekily, I smile and laughing, he shakes his head. ”You're unbelievable, Isabella.”

”Thanks, I hear that quite often. So what's next after the track walk?” We're only minutes away from the circuit and I already feel adrenaline rushing through my body. ”Lunch at our motorhome. Lewis and Valteri are hopefully going to join you, at least one of them, and I think Niki talked about joining you as well.”

There are the first few groups of fans walking to the circuit and I take a few breaths. This is happening right now. ”After lunch, they're going to interview you a bit until it's time for qualifying and you're going to explain a driver's thoughts and what a driver does before qualifying to them. And of course, they can ask you questions again.”

Toto parks the car and gives me an assuring smile. ”Don't worry, you'll be fine. See you at the beginning of the free practice session, alright?” When I nod, he gets out of the car, grabs my crutches and helps me getting out of the car. ”Enjoy it, Isabella.” Then, he hands me my crutches, turns around and leaves me alone on the secure parking space for team members.

Quickly, I make my way to the entrance and chuckle slightly when I recognise the security guy - it's _the one_ from last year. It's the security guy who gave me one of those nasty looks I hate and it's the security guy who told me to go back to the kitchen where I as a woman apparently would belong in his point of view because Formula One would be a sport for men - and for men only.

Just like last year, he looks at me with a quite nasty look and I just give him my best smile while showing him my identification badget and passing the entrance. _I'm back_. I'm back at the circuit where I celebrated my biggest success last year. And things have changed a lot during that year.

Ignoring the paparazzi, I go straight to the Sauber Paddock and smirk when I see Pascal talking to his engineers. Nobody of the Sauber Crew seems to have a problem with letting me in without wanting to see my identification badget - it's probably because most of them regocnise me from last year.

Quickly, I somehow hug him from behind and he winces in surprise before turning around and hugging me back. ”You're here”, he mumbles in disbelief and I chuckle. ”Obviously, I am.” Monisha enters the room and he lets me go. ”Isabella, what a surprise! It's so good to see you again!” Smiling, she hugs me as well and it feels really awesome to be back, it still kind of feels like a homely place for me.

Because I have the time and because the whole team made Pascal's and my success last year possible, I greet every single team member and even chat with Marcus for a bit. Poor guy still doesn't understand how we managed to archive the impossible with those shitty cars. Truth is, I still don't get it either, but we managed to do so and that's what matters to me.

Then, I let them work in peace and see Nico walking towards his garage. It's not like I have something better to do anyways, so I follow him quietly. “If you're not making it into the top ten, don't expect me to talk to you after the race.“ When he winces in surprise, I chuckle and he turns around. “Gurl, what the hell are you doing here?“

Playfully, he slaps my arm and akwardly hugs me. “Just wanted to check on my favourite Germans, that's all.“ He laughs and ruffles through my hair. “You probably heard that quite often, but it's really good to see you again at a circuit. Why don't we have dinner tomorrow after the race? You know, just like we had dinner after your first Grand Prix.“

I can't say no to food and I can't say no to spending some time with a good friend, so I agree and promise him to reserve a table at a nice restaurant for us. Stoffel walks past us but doesn't seem to notice me at all, so I wish Nico the best of luck for the free practice session and for the qualifying and make my way to the McLaren-Honda paddock.

Fernando and Stoffel both are talking with their engines and I chuckle slightly bitter, I miss it. I miss discussing all those set ups and I miss going though my data so I can improve during the third free practice session. The Spaniard looks up and literally gasps when he notices me standing there like a lost puppy and I wave at him.

“Bella! You're finally back to lighten up the whole weekend!“ Now Stoffel looks up as well and I can't help but laugh at their surprised, shocked and confused expressions. “Whatever you say, Nando, I just couldn't miss this race.“ Both drivers quickly walk towards me and pull me into a threesome hug.

“My identification badget says I'm a guest of McLaren-Honda, so I thought I could surprise you before everyone knows I'm here.” And I'm also a guest of Mercedes. And of Williams, Sauber and for some reasons even of RedBull, but they don't have to know that. 

It amazes me how Toto managed to give me access to every garage I asked for - expect Ferrari, but that doesn't surprise me at all. “I was so afraid of losing you“, the Belgian mumbles against my hair and I swallow, he's the one who somehow jumped out of his car and pulled me out of my burning car, I literally owe him my life. “As you can see, I'm fine.“

Max mentioned Stoffel was asked to have some therapy sessions after my accident and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for him. “And thanks for saving my arse.“ Before he can answer, a press agent guy asks them to follow him and so they both just ruffle through my hair before leaving me on my own again.

By now, it's way more crowded and there are sadly way more paparazzi. And I still don't understand how you can live with shoving your camera in someone else's face. Quietly, I leave the McLaren-Honda paddock and curse under my breath - it's already a bit uncomfortable for me to walk around with my crutches, but I don't have a choice, have I?

“Here, take my sunglasses.“ Wincing, I turn my head to the left, only to see Lance standing there with a huge smile plastered on his face. “Thanks but no, I'm fine.“ Eyes rolling, he looks at me and holds the sunglasses in front of me. “Just take them, Bella. They're actually yours, I took them with me because I knew you would forget them.“

And somehow, that actually makes sense because when I look closer, I recognise the sunglasses as those Pascal gave me last year. “Ugh, okay, fine.“ Satisfied, he watches me putting them on and now it's my turn to roll my eyes at him. “How are you doing?“, he asks as innocently as possible and I chuckle quietly. “Quite good, just started school again and I absolutely didn't miss that at all.“

Okay, it's homeschooling and my teacher's really nice, but it's _school_ after all and school sucks. “I'm glad everything's okay.“ When I told him I would be here this weekend, we talked about how akward it would be, but it's even more akward than we thought it would be. “What about you? Excited?“

Of course he's excited, I can tell, it's probably the most stupid question I ever asked in my whole life. “Yeah, we tried to improve the set up with the help of yesterday's data and I can't wait to try it out. Hopefully it's better than yesterday's set up because that sucked.“ Just like his rookie year with Williams, this season doesn't seem to be his.

“Well I do hope it's better as well.“ Sometimes, he just has bad luck and someone ends his race with a stupid action and sometimes, it's his own fault. Yes, he finished some races and even scored some points, but he's still being criticized for his dad more or less buying his seat at Williams. “Thanks, I gotta go, have fun and enjoy it, Isabella.“

Again, I'm on my own and I take a few breaths. It becomes more and more difficult for me to walk with the crutches and I'm too proud to ask for a chair to sit down. In the crowd, I see Kai coming towards me and sigh again, I just really need to sit down for a bit for God's sake. 

“Isabella, it's really good to see you again. Do you have time for an interview? We can sit down in the Mercedes Motorhome if you don't mind, it's really hot outside and I think we both have a lot to do here in the heat.“

In relief, I nod and together with the camera crew, we go there and since it's already crowded, I decide to go into the area for invited guests. Lewis sees me and quickly stands up. “So the rumours are true, the Queen of Monza is back.“ Quietly, I chuckle and shake my head. “Don't be so overdramatic, it was luck. A lot of luck. And it's good to see you again as well.“

Doing his job, Kai holds the microphone between us and he smiles. “You can have the table, I have to go anyways. Oh, and if they want you to pay for your drinks and food, tell them to send me the bill.“

Then, he leaves and in relief, I sigh again and sit down. Finally. Kai sits down across the table and it takes the camera crew a while to find the perfect angle for the interview, we chat a while. Maybe it's because I used to watch Formula One on RTL and because I'm really used to them and their way of journalism and everything, but I kind of like them.

Or more likely, I respect them as journalist unlike most of their colleagues. Some journalists can be just as annoying as paparazzi.

So we do the interview and it's quite nice. There are no questions about Nico, Alaïa and co and it's mainly about next year's DTM season and he's going to make sure I get a copy of the interview so I can have things cut out if I absolutely don't like it.

“Isabella? Free practice is starting in 5.“ Toto smiles weakly at me and I nod, let's do this.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Have fun x

 _ **To** : $troll_  
You too x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is happening on the weekend? Can Bella and Lance keep their relationship a secret? _(Can Lewis shut up and just act like he absolutely knows nothing about them?) ___


	29. saturday | italian grand prix (II)

Exactly five minutes after the free practice session started, I arrive at the Mercedes garage. It's slightly weird because I've never been in here and I kind of promised me to never see this garage from the inside. Well, here I am. Standing in the Mercedes garage, watching the winners discussing something while Lewis gets into his car.

”Guys”, Toto starts and they all turn around, ”I would like you to meet Isabella. She's going to answer your questions and you have time to interview her later. So if you have any questions during the free practice session or the qualifying, don't hesitate to ask her.” Politely, I wave at them and chuckle when Toto leaves us alone.

Thanks God they all wear a name tag because I would be embarrassing myself all day long if they didn't. ”Alright, so as Toto already said, if you have any questions over the day, just ask me. You could also try to ask Lewis or Valteri, but I wouldn't expect an answer. Trust me, I tried it.”

We sit down at the very back of the garage and one of the mechanics hands me headphones so I can listen to the whole team radio as well.

Lewis is out for around seven minutes and unlike Valteri, he seems to struggle a lot with his car. ”Seems like he's understeering a lot. He just can't warm up the tyres like he should be able to”, I comment and just a few seconds later, he tells the team exactly what I just said. ”They probably decided to try out Valteri's set up because his two set ups from yesterday obviously didn't work as they should.”

”How does it feel to sit in a car that doesn't work like it should?”, asks an older guy named Charles and I chuckle. ”It's actually very frustrating. Normally, you sit together with your crew for hours and discuss the set up you want to try out during free practice and if it doesn't work out like you thought it would, it's really frustrating. You kind of let your crew down and that's just an aweful feeling.”

His cursing on the team radio makes it obvious how frustrated he actually is and I sigh. ”And it's aweful sitting in the car, knowing you somehow have to manage to get in Q3 and to get the best possible position because you're still fighting for the championship.”

It's silent in the garage for a bit, until Lewis comes in after being out on the track for twenty minutes in the according to him horrible car. Before he gets out of the car, we quickly leave the garage - it's better that way. The team knows how to deal with a really frustrated and pissed off Lewis, the winners and I don't. And I don't think it helps his image when fans see him like that because you can't stop them from sharing stories about their weekend here.

Toto makes us go to the motorhome and allows us to sit on the roof for a bit. It's usually a place for the drivers and the team to calm down and have some time for themselves, so this is special. When we all sit down and ordered something to drink, I look around and smile. ”So now you can ask me literally anything.”

”So you're not doing Formula One next year? Why not?”, asks the Charles guy again and I chuckle. ”Well, DTM is going to be a completely different for me. They don't have the warmed up tyres there, you start with cold tyres and after your pit stop, you also have to find a way how to warm your tyres up. That's a challenge and I'm really excited to try it out.”

Surprised, the entire group looks at me and I smile at them. ”It's also something no one of my family has done before, so I can hopefully escape those direct comparisons. And if someone's going to tell me _”well Nico used to do better laps”_ or _”Keke drove the lap completely different and better”_ I can say it's not the same sport. It's a different car and a different ideal line, so you can't compare it.” A little girl holds her hand up and I chuckle. ”Yeah?”

”How do you prepare yourself for DTM?”, she asks and according to her name tag, her name is Lily. ”That's a good question, Lily. Pascal is the youngest DTM champion ever and so he's going to help me prepare for the different car and the different rules. And of course I'm going to start working out more as soon as I can walk with my prothesis.”

Most of them look at my right leg and I swallow slightly, this is strange, having random people staring at my leg. ”And when can you walk with your prothesis?” Her mother wants to say something, but I answer before she can scold her daughter. ”That depends on when it's done and when we did the fitting. Maybe in a month, maybe in two, I don't know.”

It's akwardly silent for a bit until a young man speaks up. ”How do you deal with it? And how does it feel to lose a lower leg? How is it doing?” Embarrassed, he looks away and I take a deep breath before answering. ”My leg's doing fine and I don't know how to describe it, but it feels weird. You know, Nico has a tendency to sit down on my bed where my right lower leg should be and in that moment, I still feel the pain even though it's not there anymore.”

My voice is shaking and I chuckle slightly. ”Then he has to calm me down and remind me that my right lower leg ended up in the trash of the hospital. And I don't really have a way of dealing with it, I just try to get used to it. That's why I used to stare at it a lot the first few days after the amputation, because I just couldn't believe it.”

”Do you want to finish school?”, asks Diana, an older lady and probably Charles' wife or girlfriend or something like that. ”Actually, I just started school again. It's homeschooling because it makes next year more easier for me to manage and everything.” Understanding, she nods and I think she has to deal with a kid that wants to quit school. ”And how are you going to manage school and DTM next year? It's your last year, isn't it? Aren't you worried about your grades?”

Quietly, I chuckle and shrug. ”We don't have the dates for next year, but my plan is to do more school stuff in the DTM free weeks and less in the weeks with a DTM race weekend because that's already stressful enough. We'll see if it's going to work out or not, but I hope it does.”

Stefan - at least that's written down on his name tag - nods and smiles at me. ”And we're also going to try it if I can race with the prothesis or if I need some more buttons and stuff for it, but I really do hope I can race with with the prothesis. So yeah, I'm going to have to try out a lot. Do you have any more questions?”

A lady named Sabine, probably around 25, nods and breaths heavily before asking. ”How would you describe your realationship with Nico, Keke and Sina? And does Alaïa accept you as a big sister?” I haven't seen her in one and a half weeks and I really miss her.

”My realationship with them is good, I think. We're talking about a lot of stuff and they're all supporting me, that's really a huge help. Of course Sina is always questioning if I really have to do it, but she knows I have to.” Toto walks towards the motorhome and I know that means it's time for lunch. ”Alaïa accepts me as her big sister, at least I hope so. We're cuddling a lot and I always have to build pillow forts with her.” They all laugh and I chuckle. ”She's really adorable.”

When Toto comes onto the roof, someone hands me my crutches and I give that person - Stefan - a thankful look before standing up. ”Okay guys, it's time for lunch but if you still have questions, just ask during lunch, alright?”

Together, we go downstairs and I sigh in relief when I finally can sit down again. Maybe I just didn't work out hard enough to walk around with my crutches for two fucking days. ”Hey, can I join you guys?", asks Lewis and I look at him surprised, I didn't expect him to show up anytime soon at all. ”Sure.” When everyone has a seat and has somehow marked it, they stand up and I groan. ”You stay here, I'll bring you your lunch. Chicken with pasta?”

Again, I look at the Britain utterly suprised and nod. ”Thanks, Lewis.” So he lines up and I can't believe it, usually, the drivers eat upstairs in the area for loaded guests and the team only. I grab my phone, unlock it and chuckle slightly. Of course, Nico must have told him to look after me a bit, that someone makes sense.

 _ **To** : Nico_  
Your boyfriend just gets me lunch, thanks?

 _ **From** : Nico_  
Good to hear. Enjoy your weekend there, Bella! _A_ misses you a lot.

We eat in silence and just when Lily has finished eating as well, Charles looks at us and I can tell he as a question. I drink some my water and give him a reassuring smile. ”What about your love life? Do you see someone?” In disbelief, I look at him and almost choke on my water and Lewis chokes on his mineral drink.

”Sorry for the reaction, I just really didn't expect a question like that. And no, I'm not seeing anyone and I would heard of it if Lewis saw someone. Rumours spread really fast in Monaco.” He gives me thankful look and I give the group my best fake smile of the whole universe. ”Yeah, I'm really busy with Formula One and everything that comes with it, it just wouldn't work out. Plus I can stay focused on my job all day.”

 _Or you're secretly dating someone who knows how stressful the life as a Formula One driver really is._ ”Same here. My days are already full with rehab, work outs, doctors appointments and everything, I just don't have time for a serious relationship. Oh by the way, I heard you have a new motorbike, is that true?”

Sadly, I don't get to hear his answer to this really serious and really important question because Toto interrupts us before he can answer. ”I'm really sorry but I need to talk to Isabella in private for a bit. Lewis, why don't you show them your car and explain how your steering wheel works and everything? She's going to join you in a bit.”

Politely, I smile and them and tell them to have fun - yes, he said I would be back in a bit, but it seems to be quite serious. So while the winners follow Lewis into his garage, I have the honour of following Toto into his small bureau and sitting down on the famous chair. ”Chocolate?”, he asks and I can't say no to food, so I nod and he hands me one of those cute little chocolate bar. Whenever someone walks by, they usually enter his bureau to get one of them.

”This chocolate is amazing, you need to tell me where you got it.” He chuckles and hands me another one. ”Thanks God I'm not on a diet right now.” Happily, I eat the second chocolate bar as well and sigh satisfied. ”Anyways, why am I sitting here with this sinful chocolate in front of my eyes?”

Stressed, he ruffles through his hair and sighs. ”Well, you know a certain driver is going to leave us at the end of the year.” Confused, I look at him and nod - obviously, I should know that because I'm the one who's going to replace him for next year's DTM season. ”And apparently, his current teammate isn't happy with being a member of the Mercedes-Benz family either.”

Taking a deep breath, he looks at me and his expression is so frustrated and done with everything everyone that I really do feel sorry for him. ”And so we need to find a new teammate for you. If you chose your teammate, who would it be and why?”

Words can't express what's going through my mind right now, I'm surprised, shocked and confused at the same time. ”You want my opinion on who should become my teammate?”

”Yes, and I need your answer today so we can consider it in our board meeting later tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is going to be her choice?


	30. saturday | italian grand prix (III)

In akward silence, we sit in his bureau for around twenty minutes and I have absolutely no idea what to say. “Toto, listen ... I don't even know the most promising juniors for DTM and everything, so I don't think my opinion is worth that much.“ Quietly, he chuckles and I look at him confused, I didn't say something to chuckle about at all.

”Well, we thought of having a rookie team before, but I think we should try it out for the next season. Of course the other drivers are still going to help you and everything, but maybe it's easier to start a DTM career with someone on your level.” Somehow, that even makes sense. I remember how much I hated being a rookie because of the high and almost unreachable expections. ”Makes sense but I still don't know whom to pick.”

Sighing, he stands up and walks around his office - which is weird because there's not much space to walk at all. ”Just think of someone you think you would get along well with.”

Sceptical, I look at him and when I see the stressed and slightly tired expression on his face, I nod quickly. ”Alright, I think I would get along well with”, I start and pause. For God's sake, he just can't ask me to decide something like that, it's probably going to affect my first year as a DTM driver at least. ”Fabian”, I blurt out and mentally curse myself for this. ”Fabian as in ... Fabian Vettel?”

Because I don't know how to explain it, I just nod and he sighs - I just don't know if he sighs in relief or if it's another stressed sigh. ”That's a good idea, Isabella. He's a good driver, he just had a lot of bad luck until now. And he said DTM would be his goal to reach, right?”

Now he has given me some reasons to justify myself in case Lance doesn't like the fact I thought of a male human being that isn't him. ”Exactly, that's why I thought of him.”

My phone rings and I don't want to check it, but he just nods. ”It's okay, Isabella.” So I grab my phone, unlock it and chuckle quietly when I see who just texted me.

 _ **From** : Fabian_  
So you're here at the track and you didn't thought about saying 'hello'? You broke my heart, Bella, you broke my heart. :(

”Apparently, he's here a-” ”Not only apparently, he is here, Toto, he just complained about me not saying hi to him.” I chuckle and he laughs slightly. ”That's good to know. Anyways, it's almost time for Qualifying, so you should better go back to the winners. While you do that, I'm going to talk to Fabian, alright?”

Smiling, he hands me some chocolate bars and even though I don't know why I get those sinful sweets, I take them. I just can't say no to food. ”So we have a plan. When you're done talking to him, send me a text, alright? If he was unsure about the offer, I could talk to him as well.”

A tiny bit less stressed, he nods and I stand up. ”Thanks, Toto.” Before he can say something, I quickly add, ”for everything, I mean. For offering me the seat even though I wasn't the first choice of the board and stuff.”

With the chocolate bars in my pocket, I make my way back to the garage where the winners already sit and wait for the Qualifying to start. ”Hey guys, I'm really sorry it took us so long, but here I am, just in time for any questions you have about the Qualifying.”

Lewis' race engineer hands me headphones and I give him a thankful smile, I can't imagine how difficult his job must be today. ”Isabella, how do you prepare for a qualifying?”, asks the Stefan guy when I sit down and I chuckle.

”Personally, I usually spend the break between the third free practice session and the qualifying to go through my data again, so I know where I have to improve during qualifying. But that's how I prepare, every driver has another strategy for that.”

Valteri enters the garage and akwardly hugs me before going to his race engineer. ”We both have to deal with being compared to Nico, so we kind of sit in the same boat.” They laugh and I fake a laugh so it doesn't become akward, but I really mean it. If someone knows how I feel whenever someone compares me to Nico, it's him.

The qualifying starts normal. One to two laps to warm up the tyres and then one fast lap. It's nothing special at all. Until Lewis starts complaining about his car on the team radio. It's obvious - at least it's obvious to me - that he struggles a lot with his car, I mean, even both Saubers are faster than him and that means something.

”Guys I absolutely don't know how to drive this shit”, he curses and I sigh. His race engineer is giving his best to somehow do some magic and improve the car, but it seems hopeless.

Somehow, he manages to reach Q2 with a lap which is according to him the best this piece of shit can do. His whole team is already done and I feel sorry for them. And for Lewis, I know how frustrating the situation he is in know is.

”Can I speak to him?”, I blurt out and mentally curse myself again for just blurting some random thoughts of mine out. Everyone looks at me utterly surprised and I shrug. ”What? Just let me try out if it works or not and as long as you don't have a better idea, I do-” ”You can speak to him now.”

”Lewis, it's me, Bella.” This is so stupid, he won't listen to me anyways. ”Bella, this is absolutely not the perfect time for this.” Confused, I look at his crew and just earn some uninterested shrugs. ”I have no idea what you're talking about. Remember what you told me when I wanted to just stay in my wheelchair for the rest of my life? You told me to give my fucking best before even thinking about giving up.”

I take a deep breath and my voice is shaking. ”Show them what you're made of. Prove your haters wrong, Lewis. Your crew and I believe in you.” Someone pats on my back and I didn't realise I just stared at the screen for a few minutes. “He just qualified himself for Q3. Well done, Isabella.“

Niki gives me a weak smile and I sigh in relief. “Good, I hope you ca-“ My phone rings again and I sigh. “It's okay.“ Just like earlier in Toto's bureau, I grab my phone and unlock it.

 _ **From** : boss_  
Fabian said he would love to be your teammate for the next season (and maybe some more seasons). I'm going to talk to the Audi guys, can you talk with Sebastian?

“Thanks.“ Wincing, I turn around and smile weakly at Lewis - I didn't notice him coming back at all. “You're welcome.“ Quickly, he hugs me and I just hug him back to not make it more akward. “No, seriously, you just saved my weekend.” His press agent guy makes him go to the press pen and he gives me an excusing look before following the guy.

 _ **To** : boss_  
Sure thing, but why is the talk with Sebastian important? I mean Fabian's an adult ...

”Gotta go, guys, it was really nice to meet you.” Politely and slightly tired, I smile at the winners and freeze when Stefan hugs me. Because it would be really akward to let one of them hug me and deny hugs to the rest, I hug them all. I don't know why, but I don't feel really comfortable with so much body contact right now and so I'm happy when it's done. ”Maybe we'll see each there again some day, who knows?”

Quickly, I make my way out of the garage and take a deep breath. My phone rings again and I lean against a wall so I can unlock it without letting one of my crutches fall down.

 _ **From** : boss_  
Because Fabian really cares about his brother's opinion and we need to know if he's alright with that or not for the media

Sighing, I put my phone back in my pocket, eat one of those sinful chocolate bars Toto gave me and continue my painful walk to find Sebastian. On my way, I meet Daniil, Max, Carlos and Daniel and to be honest, I'm thankful for ever single break I can get right now. ”Congratulations on P2, Max and no, I won't tell you how to win this race. Good job, Dan, I would love to high five you but I can't.”

Both of them chuckle and before I can protest, Daniel picks me up. ”What the hell are y-” ”Bella, your arms must hurt like hell. Just let me carry you around for a bit.” I would love to protest, but sadly, the Australian is right and so I just roll my eyes and let Max take my crutches. ”Right behind the top teams and in front of Esteban and Checo, well done guys.” Daniil and I high five and he smiles, just as wide as his teammate. ”Thanks, Bella.”

All out of a sudden, Daniel starts running and I shriek in surprise. ”Stop it, please!” In front of the Ferrari garage, he slows down and laughs. ”You're welcome, just in time to congratulate the pole setter before he has to leave for the press conference.” Oh right, the post-qualifying press conference, I totally forgot about that. ”Thanks, I guess.”

Chuckling, he let's me down and Max hands me my crutches. ”Thanks guys. See you later or tomorrow?”, I ask and try to not look at the Netherlander, it's weird seeing him and talking to him after he ignored me. ”Sure, it's good to see you again, Bella.”

Just when Sebastian leaves the garage, they turn around and leave me around. Being so focused, he doesn't notice me at all and I chuckle. ”Seb?” Confused, he looks up and smiles wide when he sees me.

Britta tells him something and he literally runs towards me and hugs me. ”So the rumours are true, you're back.” I smile at him and nod. ”Obviously, I am. Congratulations on the pole position, you did an amazing job out there. Can we talk after you're done here? Like ... in private?”

* * *

 

At 8:15 pm, someone - or more likely Sebastian - knocks on my door. ”It's open”, I state the obvious and smile at him when he comes in, locks the door behind him and jumps onto my bed, right next to me. ”What's wrong?”, he asks straightforward and I sigh quietly. ”It's ... it's about Fabian, actually.”

Gawping, he looks at me and I have absolutely no clue what he's thinking this is about. ”Oh, so you two ar-” ”For God's sake, no, we aren't. It's about ... you could probably say it's about his future.” I take a deep breath and try to not look at him so he doesn't see me blushing. ”Another driver's going to leave the Mercedes-Benz DTM family and Toto asked me to name someone I would expect to get along with.”

He sighs in relief and mentally, I do the same. ”Don't ask me why and promise me to never mention that in Lance's presence, but I blurted out Fabian's name. DTM is his goal, right?” Secretly, I thank Toto for some reasons why I blurted out his name and finally managed to look at Sebastian.

”That's why Fabian was suddenly gone in case you were wondering. Anyways, so he would love to be my teammate and I kind of like the rookie team idea, you know, sitting in the same boat with your teammate and everything.“ In disbelief he looks at me and I swallow. “Bella, I really appreciate your support, but I don't think he's ready for DTM.“

Confused and shocked, I shake my head and I really can't believe what I just heard. “Are you serious? Sebastian, he's not a baby anymore. He's an adult and you should be glad I'm telling you about this before he signs the contract because I'm actually not allowed to do, they could kick me out.“

My voice is shaking and I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. “Also, I wanted to move out anyways but not on my own, I just don't feel ready for that. And because I kind of don't want to move in with Lance, I thought about asking him to move in with me. Just as teammates, obviously. We could work out together and stuff.“

“Bella, I'm just worried about his save-” ”Nico wants to hire a bodyguard for me anyways”, I interrupt him and shrug, ”so there's no need to worry about him. You have to let him grow up, Sebastian, you can't always protect him from everything bad that happens in the world.”

It's akwardly silent for a while and I don't expect him to support my idea by now. ”And you don't have to worry about us becoming a thing because I kind of have a boyfriend anywa-” ”Alright, alright, if he really wants to become your teammate, you two move in together as teammates and Nico hires a security guy, I'm fine with that. And now tell me about Lance and you, how did you two become a thing?”


	31. sunday | bad night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts and slightly mention of rape. Don't read unless you feel comfortable with that.

”Fuck”, I mumble breathless and sit up. I thought I left those nightmares behind me. I thought I was done with waking up from those flashbacks. I thought I would never have to dream of his hands touching me, of his hands manhandling me. But apparently, those nightmares and flashbacks are still a part of me. And I hate it.

Quickly, I turn the TV on and take a few deep breaths. Just when I got somehow used to silence again, this asshole somehow manages to destroy my little victory. At least I didn't cry this time, at least I didn't beg him to let me die.

Dripping with sweat, I carelessly throw my covers away, stand up, open the windows next to my bed and sit down again. According to my phone, it's 1:19 am and I know for sure I won't be able to fall asleep in the following hours. Except ... except I ask Mick for help. For some reasons, he managed to make me fall asleep after a nightmare slash flashback - don't ask me how, I don't know and even Matteo can't do that.

Sighing, I grab my phone, unlock it and open my messages. I really need to catch as much sleep as possible and I only can do so if I ask him for help. My heart's beating faster than usual while I write the message and I silently pray he's asleep when I press the 'send'-button.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Just had my first nightmare since Monaco. Are you awake?

My shirt's sticky, as well as my boxershorts and I should probably shower, but I don't feel like it. Or more likely, I don't feel like I have enough power to shower without passing out or having a mental breakdown.

The display of my phone lightens up and I swallow hard - seems like he's awake after all. I grab my phone and open the message, not really knowing what to expect from him.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
I'm at your room in 5.

He's here. He's here and nobody fucking thought about telling me that my former best friend is here. He's probably even staying in the same hotel and it seems like he knows my room number. Something's going on and someone doesn't want me to know about it.

Taking a few deep breaths, I place my phone on the bedside table and watch the weird TV show until there's a knock on my door. I want to say ”it's open”, but instead of words, a chocked sob passes my lips and I mentally roll my eyes at myself for being so weak.

Mick must have heard my sob because he literally storms into my room just seconds later. ”Shh, it's alright, you're safe with me.” Carefully, he sits down next to me and pulls his arms gently around me.

”You were right about her, by the way. When I asked her to keep our relationship a secret, she freaked out and broke up with me.” Even after all those arguments we had in the past, I still feel safe in his arms for some reasons. He turns the TV off and pulls me as close as possible. 

Slowly, I calm down and notice how my muscles relax. ”Why don't you take a bath while I ask the room service to change your bedding?” A bath sounds nice, I have to admit, but I'm too tired and I just want to continue my sleep without another nightmare for God's sake. ”Maybe skip the bath part?”, I mumble and yawn quietly.

”Bella.” He sighs and stands up with me in his arms. ”You lost weight, are you really alright?” _Nobody_ noticed that, not even Lance or Nico. ”It's just ... a lot to deal with lately, the law suit against my mom's last boyfriend, Lance, rehab, Nico and everything.” Whenever I'm more stressed than usual, I tend to eat less or even forget it completely.

“Well, I hope he treats you like you deserve it.“ Confused, I look at him and he carries me into the bathroom. “I'm going to order us something to eat and you're going to take a bath. If your boyfriend has a problem with me seeing you naked, please remind him of the fact we took baths together until puberty and even after that, I saw you naked and you saw me naked, it wasn't a big deal after all.“

“How do you know about us?“ Weakly and sleepily, I let him undress me and watch him checking the temperature of the water. “Oh, nobody told you? Lance told us after the briefing. Or more likely, he told his fellow drivers about the two of you being a couple.“ Shocked, I look at him and I almost fall down from the stool he made me sit on. “B-but he promised me to keep it between us.“

Somewhat frustrated, he ruffles through his hair and sighs. “I'm sorry. Are you strong enough to do the rest by yourself or do you want me to do that?“ I should feel uncomfortable, being naked in his presence, but I don't. It's like the arguments and everything couldn't destroy the trust I had and apparently still have.

“Don't worry about me, I can totally do this on my own.“ Quietly, he chuckles and watches me standing up, only to realise it's difficult to walk without the right lower leg. Before I can kiss the ground, he catches me and sighs. ”You're completely done with the whole universe, aren't you?” Mick helps me getting into the bathtub in one piece and I sigh in relief when my sore body makes contact with the warm water.

”Try not to drown while I'm gone, alright?” Gently, he ruffles through my hair and leaves the room - but the door stays a bit open. God, I hate it. I hate being so weak and at the same time, it's kind of alright. It's kind of alright to be weak in his presence because he has seen me at the worst.

 _Yes_ , I should probably yell at him for being such an asshole. I should probably be angry at him and tell him to leave me the hell alone, but it's Mick we're talking about after all. The only guy I've seen naked in my life without crying, the only guy I've felt comfortable enough to take a bath with together. The guy who stopped my second suicidal attempt - we never talked about it, but I think he knows what he did that night - and the only guy who has seen my scars.

Closing my eyes and enjoying the bath, I listen to him ordering lots of food and asking the room service to change the bedding. I missed him. He hurt me a lot, but maybe I need him now as much as I needed him back then when he saved my life. After Matteo, he's the one who knows me the very best and I'm kind of thankful for him being here right now - but that's probably just my weakness speaking.

”Do you want to talk about your nightmare?” Wincing, I open my eyes and see him sitting on the stool next to the bathtub. ”I actually don't remember that much, just the horrible feeling of his hands manhandling me. And I didn't cry, that's a good sign I guess.”

Quietly, he sighs and I give him a weak smile. ”So I guess it could have been worse. Why are you here and not ... uh preparing for your next race?” And while I wait for him to answer and watch him closely, something hits me. He's the first person who saw my right leg - expect the doctors, nurses and Ed, obviously - and it's okay. It doesn't make me feel as uncomfortable as I thought it would.

”Actually, Toto asked me if I wanted to come here not even two weeks ago and I couldn't say no.” A bit too fast, I sit up and look at him in surprise. ”That's weird because I told Toto about Pascal's invitation around two weeks ago and he promised me to take care of everything, like reserving a room.” We share one of those _”please tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means”_ -looks and he shakes his head in disbelief. ”You know what's funny? He promised me to take care of everything, like reserving a room, as well.”

For a while, it's silent. And I just sit here in the bathtub and watch the bubbles slowly becoming less and less and he's probably lost in thoughts.

”So he set this up”, he says and I nod slightly. ”Seems like he did. Uh ... can you hand me the towel and maybe help me get out of the bathtub?” It's kind of akward, but we give our very best to not make it more akward. ”Sure.”

When I'm finally back in my bed, wearing a new pair of boxershorts and another shirt, I sigh in relief and watch him walking around my room. ”Don't you want to sit down or something like that?” Mick looks at me and shrugs. ”I actually kind of expected to be kicked in the next minutes, but if you want me to stay, sure.” “Please stay here?”, I mumble under my breath and he smiles weakly. ”Of course.”

Quickly, he lays down next to me, gets under the covers and gets rid of his jeans. ”Seriously?” Slightly, I laugh and he blushes. ”Well, I ... I have maybe done some stuff I'm not really proud of.” Gawping, I look at him - that's what I used to use as a code to tell him _"I self harmed again"_. “D-did you ... ?”

Slightly, he nods and I carefully put my arms around him. ”Do you want to talk about it?” He pulls me even closer and I can hear him sigh. ”After the fight, I thought a lot about ... about us and I remembered what you used to say about self harming. _'I'm not proud of it, but it kind of became a way for me to deal with the stress and everything. Bad day? Cut. Bad grade? Cut. Bad night? Cut. Argument? Cut. Flashback? Cut.'_ And I was so done and so hurt, that I tried it. And it worked for me.”

So it was somehow my fault, great. ”Let's make a deal, alright? Whatever happens between the two of us in the future, if you feel like doing it again, you text me alright? Just like I text you if I have a nightmare slash flashback again.” Weakly, he nods and I kiss his cheek. ”Why don't you tell me how you and Lance 'spoiled bratty asshole' aka 'Lancey' Stroll got together?”

”Oh c'mon, I'm quite sure you don't want to hear the whole story at”, I glare at my phone, ”at 4 am.” But he wants to, he really wants to, and so I tell him the short version.

”So Nico made me take care of Alaïa for three days when I just started rehab. Totally frustrated and angry, I asked him because everyone else was busy or too tired. And to my surprise, he came. He came and we actually slept in one bed. Anyways, after my amputation, he visited me and we kind of kissed. I isolated myself, Lewis made him visit me again and locked the door behind him. And well, that was the briefest summary of my life.”

”Do you love him?”, he whispers sleepily and I freeze for a second before answering. ”I think so, yeah.” And I swear to God, I can literally feel his sceptical glare on my skin. ”It's just ... confusing. Love is so confusing. Everything's confusing.” Slightly frustrated, I sigh and play with his hair again. ”Let's talk about racing. It's after 4 am and I'm somehow not really tired at all.”

He sighs and gently kisses my forehead. ”You know what? In five years, we're both going to be Formula One drivers and we're going to have the most epic fights humanity has ever seen. But you need to promise me something.”

Confused, I look at him and nod weakly. ”Anything, Mick.” He chuckles and pulls me even closer. ”Promise me we don't end up like Lewis and Nico, promise me to never do those psycho games. We're going to have the most epic fights humanity has ever seen, but we're not going to play dirty.”

I smile a bit and nod again. ”I promise you, we're not going to end up like Lewis and Nico. We're going to have fights as fair as possible and we're not going to do those psycho games.”

All of a sudden, I'm super tired. ”Thanks for everything”, I mumble yawning and he chuckles. ”Everything for my favourite girl. Good night and sleep well.” And just like this, I fall asleep in Mick's arms, feeling safe and secure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... Fabian, Max _and _Mick are somehow back. Opinions anyone?__


	32. sunday | italian grand prix

Fabian invited me to breakfast with his parents, Sebastian, Hanna and their daughters today and on every other day, I would have been over the moon, but not today. Today, I spend my morning with Mick.

Just like always, he organised breakfast while I complained about him being a morning person. Then, we had breakfast in bed while watching the new episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine I totally forgot to watch. After breakfast, he went back to his room to get changed and we met downstairs fifteen minutes later.

And here I am, sitting in the Mercedes Toto organised for him. It's quite amusing, watching him being confused with the Italian way of driving while listening to Italian radio. Of course, the main topic is the Grand Prix and most of the time the reporters talk about Sebastian, Kimi and the Scuderia Ferrari in general.

Quietly, I yawn and lean my head against the window. ”Wake me up when we're at the circuit, alright?” He chuckles and I scoff under my breath. ”Last night was a tough one, hm?” Weakly, I nod and groan when my phone vibrates in my pocket. ”C'mon Bella, maybe it's something serious.”

So I take my phone, turn the display on and roll my eyes at the message I just received. ”Who texted you?”, he asks and I sigh. ”Lance.” Quickly, I unlock my phone and open the message. ”And what did he write?”

 _ **From** : $troll_  
You're cheating on me, aren't you?

 _ **To** : $troll_  
No, I am not cheating on you and I have an explanation for what you saw.

“He uh ... kind of saw us sleeping together in my bed? This is bad, dude, really bad.” I could really cry right now, but I don't. ”You know I could talk to him and explain what happened if you want me to, right?” At a red light, he gives me an reassuring smile and I shake my head. ”No, I have to deal with him on my own.”

\---

Somehow, I actually managed to fall asleep. Luckily, Mick doesn't even ask how the hell I managed to do so when he wakes me up in the parking space for guests and crew members. I have one talent I'm low-key proud of and that is sleeping whenever and wherever I'm tired. It just doesn't work at night, but you can't play football in the complete dark, can you?

”You sure you wanna talk to him?”, he asks and I sigh frustrated. ”Mick, he's my boyfriend, not yours. No, I absolutely don't want to talk to him, but I have to talk to him.” Quietly, he chuckles and hugs me slightly. ”Good luck, take care of yourself and enjoy your day, Bella.” I roll my eyes at him and slap his arm gently. ”You literally sound like your dad. Thanks, take care of yourself as well and maybe try to not meet Lance.”

Smiling, he hands me my crutches and makes his way to the paddock. I, on the other hand, just stand there for a while and watch the trouble around me. Some Mercedes guys arrive and greet me on their way to work and I swallow hard. Let's do this.

Without any problems, I enter the paddock, greet the security guy with a polite smile and put my sunglasses on with a badass move. At least I would like to pretend it looked badass because it might have looked really akward for everyone who had to watch it.

”Isabella!” Confused, I look at the guy who just yelled my name and recognise him, he's one of the RTL guys behind the camera. ”Hey, what can I do for you?” He seems quite stressed and I should probably be worried about what that all means, but all I can think about is Lance and how the hell I'm going to explain last night to him. ”Listen, Florian and Kai both are foodpoisened and we could really need your help.”

Before I can politely decline his idea, someone hugs me from behind and chuckles. ”You should really help out, Bella, it's not like you've got much stuff to do anyways. And I would love to be interviewed by you after the race.” Sebastian. ”So you're doing it?”, asks the RTL guy and he answers for me. ”Of course she's doing it.” With a thankful smile, the guy leaves us alone and I slap his arm.

”What the hell, Seb?” He ruffles through his hair and smiles at me. ”Bella, c'mon. We're all sick of journalists who have no idea what they're actually talking about and you saw how stressed the poor guy was. Just do it for me, alright?” Sighing, I nod and he smiles even wider. ”Thanks, Bella. And I really can't wait to be interviewed by you.”

In disbelief, I shake my head and chuckle slightly. ”You're unbelievable, I swear to God.” Cheekily, he ruffles through my hair and smiles at Britta who's coming towards us. „Wo zur Hölle hast du dich rumgetrieben?” Confused, he looks at her and I laugh quietly. „Du hättest vor zehn Minuten ein Interview gehabt, Sebastian”, she exclaims and scoffs when he makes an attempt to run towards the media pen, „ich habe dich wegen familiären Neuigkeiten entschuldigt. Offiziell hast du gerade erst von Fabians Plänen erfahren, okay?”

> _[“Where the hell have you been?” - ”You should have been doing an interview ten minutes ago, Sebastian. I excused you because of family news. Officially, you just heard about Fabian's plans, alright?”]_

„Oh fuck, das hab' ich total verpeilt. Danke, Britta. Bella macht nachher die Interviews für RTL, vielleicht kannst d-” „Natürlich kann ich das machen. Aber erstmal müssen wir zum nächsten Interview.” They both give me excusing looks and I just shrug. „Macht eure Jobs, ich komm schon klar.” Dramatically, he groans and follows her into the media pen.

> _[”Oh fuck, I totally forgot about that. Thanks, Britta. Bella's doing the interviews for RTL later, maybe you coul-” - ”Of course, I can do that. But we have to go to the next interview now.” - ”Do your jobs, I'm good.”]_

* * *

I spend most of the day in Pascal's garage. Speaking with his mechanics, engineers and the strategy guys. We went through his data together and I tried to explain him the few turns he didn't get right in qualifying. And it felt really nice, being involved in the process of preparing for the race and everything.

Because his race engineer apparently ate the same food as Florian and Kai, I even became his race engineer for the race. Marcus' helped me a lot, dealing with the whole data and it was an awesome experience, I have to admit. That's also the reason why I'm late for the interviews and why the makeup artists have to do their job while walking with me to the media pen.

Just when Stoffel enters the media pen as the first one, I'm handed a microphone and he looks at me in surprise. ”Bella what the hell are you doing here?“, he asks and ignores the other journalists. “Is it so wrong to try out something new? So, Stoff, how frustrated are you after P19? I mean ... that sucks. How do you deal with that frustration?“

Quietly, he chuckles and I smile cheekily at him. “First of all, I totally support this. The whole weekend wasn't that well, so I didn't even dream about reaching top ten. But P19 is really frustrating and I know we could have done better. We're going to look through the data and hopefully figure out what went wrong today. And I saw you boxing after you didn't finish that race and it surprisingly works for me as well, so that's what I'm going to do.“

Next is Lewis and he watches me interviewing the Belgian like a proud father probably would. “You're doing an amazing job, Isabella.“ Slightly, U blush and he smiles. “Thanks? Congratulations on P2, how difficult was it for you to stay in front of Sebastian? You obviously struggled a lot during the last stint.“

Frustrated, he ruffles through his hair and nods. “It was really difficult. Pushing as hard as possible while making sure the tyres last the whole stint was really hard. Kimi did the best job today and he deserved to win.“ According to the tight schedule, he should go to the next journalist, but he just stays here. “How did it feel to be the only not Ferrari driver on the podium? I mean .. with all those flags and everything.“

He laughs and I humm the Italian national anthem to annoy him. “It's a bit strange because you know they wanted to see a 1-2 win, but the atmosphere is really amazing.“ Joylon is next and playfully pushes his fellow Britain away. “Heard about the new interviewer and had to test her“, he jokes in his best British accent and I laugh. “Oh god, rumours are spreading fast, don't they?“

* * *

The interviews went well, I think. With Sebastian, I talked Italian just for fun, I made Kimi laugh and did a double-interview with Fernando and Carlos who crashed during the race. Okay, the interview with Lance was slightly akward, but Pascal saved me because he wanted to sign the German national anthem together with me to celebrate his second time in the top 5.

Lance asked me to meet him at 7 in his changing room and well, here I am, sitting on the couch and sighing in frustration when I realise it's already 7:05 pm.

 _ **To** : $troll_  
Where are you?

Just sent I pressed the 'send'-button, he comes in and I swallow hard. This is it. There's no turning back now. “Hey", I mumble and for some reasons, I can't look at him. “Explain yourself.“ His voice is cold and it hurts a lot, being treated like this. “Okay, so I had one of those flashbacks last night, from my mom's last boyfriend manhandling me and stuff.“

Taking a few deep breaths, I play with my fingers and I can hear him sitting down. “Mick is the only one who ever managed to make me fall asleep after one of those and I knew I couldn't text you because you needed that sleep. So I texted him.“

Quietly, he scoffs under his breath and I slightly roll my eyes. “Toto apparently reserved rooms for us in the same hotel and well, he came over and he helped me calming down. And because I was kind of afraid of having another flashback, I asked him to stay with me.“

It's silent for a while and I hate it. I fucking hate it. “Look, it might seem weird to you, but he's still one of the most important people in the whole universe for me. Yes, we slept in the same bed, but as friends and as friends only.“

Bitter, he chuckles and I slowly look up. “You really want me to believe this bullshit?“

The next thing I know is feeling his hand on my cheek, him storming out of the room and me breaking down in his changing room.

* * *

 

 _ **To** : the hulk_  
can we have dinner somewhen else? i don't feel good right now

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Just answer the phone, please. I'm so sorry.

 _To: Iceman_  
don't feel well rn, so you gotta celebrate without me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that just happened. Opinions anyone?


	33. monday | lies

“I'm back!“, I yell and close the front door behind me. “Bella!“ Alaïa runs towards me, I let my crutches and my bag fall down, pick her up and lean myself against the door. “Hey munchkin, how are you?“ But instead of answering, she just yawns and places her head in my shoulder. “Couldn't sleep without Bella.“

“How was the weekend? How was school?“ Quietly, I groan and watch her fall asleep within seconds. From the airport, I just went straight to my teacher's place and then to post-school workout aka post-school torture with Ed. “The weekend was ... good and school's always going to suck.“

Nico picks up my crutches and takes Alaïa so I can walk with my damn crutches. “That's good to hear. Oh, Lewis is here and they were just starting a movie because she didn't want to sleep.“

Normally, I'm absolutely not a makeup person, but this morning, I was really thankful for the cheap makeup at the airport so I could cover up his handprint on my cheek. “Hey Bella, why didn't you celebrate with Kimi yesterday?“ Confused, I look at Lewis and he sighs quietly. “They were worried about you. A lot.“

“Well, I just ... I didn't feel that well and I was super tired.“ To underline my lie, I yawn and he smiles weakly at me. “Lunch is ready in ten.“ Slightly, I return the smile and he picks up the bag I dropped with my crutches. “You've got already enough to carry around, Bella.“ Boy, if he only knew.

So I quickly make my way to my room, shower and make sure to cover the evidence of yesterday's fight up before going to the living room and sitting down on the couch next to a sleeping Alaïa. “Fascinating how she can sleep with Roscoe snoring like a pro“, I comment when Lewis hands me a plate of pasta and sits down on the ground. “She's probably used to it, she always wants Roscoe to sleep in her room.“

Chuckling, Nico sits down next to his boyfriend and I smile when Alaïa places her head on my lap in her sleep. “So ... tell us about your weekend, Bella. How was it?“, my father asks and adds, _„hast du Mick getroffen?“_ Cheekily, he smiles at the Britain, not knowing about me teaching him German in private. “Of course she did meet Mick, he told me to take care of her because she acted weird after the race.“

While Nico chokes on his pasta, I blush and try to act as cool as possible. “You can understand German?!“ When he looks at me and sees the proud smile plastered on my face, he knows what's going on and slaps Lewis' arm. “Bella is teaching you German and you didn't thought about mentioning that to me? Seriously, _Liebling_?"

We both laugh and he pouts. ”Not fair, I liked having a language I can communicate with my two girls without you understanding it.” Smiling, Lewis puts an arm around him and I chuckle. ”I wanted you to go crazy when he would propose to you in German, just like you did when he asked you to be his boyfriend in German.”

Sleepily, Alaïa looks around and decides to have some of my pasta. ”Did we wake you up, munchkin?” In awe, I watch him her stretching and fighting against the tiredness. ”No, Alaïa done sleeping.” Nico wants to get her a plate of pasta, but I let her have some of mine - eating hurts, so this makes it look less weird. ”Movie?”, she asks and looks at Lewis.

”Why don't we watch the movie together?” And because nobody can say no to her, she sits on my lap with Nico and Lewis on our left side. We watch ”Pets” - I heard about it when it was shown in the cinemas and I remember Matteo loving it, but I personally never wanted to watch it. So I play with her hair or decline calls from Lance, delete messages from him and try to make everyone believe I'm fine.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
You told Lewis to look after me?

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Yeah. You were acting strange.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Dude, I am Strange, Stephen Strange.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Not funny, Bella. Are you alright?

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Why shouldn't I?

 _ **From** : Mick_  
How did you talk with $troll go?

 _ **To** : Mick_  
He doesn't believe me, what a surprise. I told him the truth, if he can't deal with it, that's not my problem, duh.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Did he hurt you?

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Of course he did. It hurts like hell when your boyfriend (or whatever he is) doesn't believe you when you tell the truth. But that's life.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
I meant ... did he hurt you psychically? Did he slap you?

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Don't you think I would tell you if he did something like that?

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Did he or didn't he, Bella? That's a simple question.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
He didn't. Don't worry about me, I'm tired and being a woman sucks.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Bella ... be honest.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
I'm honest. You just want to find a reason to hate him even more.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
That's not true.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Yes it is. You just don't want to admit it because I love him.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
Bella ...

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Do you still love me? Be honest.

 _ **From** : Mick_  
I'm not sure.

 _ **To** : Mick_  
Great.

Sighing, I put my phone away and earn a worried look from Lewis. ”Munchkin, can you stand up for a sec? I want to stand up but I can't with you on my lap.” Giggling, she stands up, I do the same, grab my crutches and quickly go into the kitchen.

Closing the door behind me, I sigh in relief. Mick knows. Mick knows I'm hiding something. I grab a glass, open the freezer and put in some ice cubes. ”Why is your cheek a bit swollen?”

Wincing, I turn around and see Nico standing in the doorway. ”Oh, I was a bit clumsy during post-school torture. It's nothing.” Sceptical, he watches me purring in warm Cola and he sighs. ”It's not like I don't want to believe you, but it kind of reminds me of the swelling of a hand slapping your cheek and specially with your last, I'm ju-” ”Specially with my past, I wouldn't lie to you about something like that. If I say it's nothing, then it is nothing.”

Quietly, he sighs and takes my glass for me. ”You're right. I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you. This year has already been tough enough for you. And when even Mick worries abo-” ”He's only worried because I had my first flashback slash nightmare slash whatever since the Grand Prix here and that usually means there are going to be a few more ones in the next weeks”, I lie and smile weakly. ”That's all, Nico, I promise you.”

God, I remember there was a time where I thought liars are bad people - and know I'm one of them. ”Alright, if you say so.” Relieved, he turns around and goes back to his boyfriend and his younger daughter.

And I can't believe I'm actually protecting him after what he did yesterday. Maybe it's because the _”I lost a lower leg and got a boyfriend instead”_ sounds kind of nice or maybe it's because I want to prove my mom's last boyfriend and myself that I am capable of having a normal romantic relationship like everyone else. Or maybe, I also want to prove myself and Mick that I can do the whole romantic relationship thingy.

* * *

_Dear Diary,_

_long time not seen, aye? Can't believe my last entry was ”I'm going to be a Formula One driver for one race!”. A lot has changed since then. A lot. For example, I lost my right lower leg thanks to mom's last boyfriend. Yes, he got out of prison and - what a surprise - he visited me. And he was so thoughtful of bringing his old friends with him to have even more fun with me!_

_Oh, and I'm the first female Formula One driver who won a Grand Prix, lead a race and scored more than 0,5 points. Yeah, the Italian Grand Prix 2017 was bloody awesome. I also can't believe I actually write this, I'm 18, for God's sake, doing diary entries is so childish._

_Anyways. The reason why I'm writing stuff down again is Lance. Yes, Lance. We're kind of together. At least we were. He slapped me yesterday. And I lied about it. But it's not like I'm protecting him, right? I mean ... with telling the other drivers we are together, he kind of made it impossible for me to make this public._

_Because it would sound weird and everything. Also, I don't have evidence. And as I learned, you fucking need evidence. Lance is not a violent guy, he was probably just really angry. Really, really, really angry. He loves me, after all._

_Dear future me, do not even think about falling in love again. Love sucks. Love makes you explain your partner's mistakes because you obviously don't want to face reality. If you ever fall in love again, I'm really disappointed with you. Which means I would be disappointed with myself. Wow, I really need to catch up some sleep._

_Nico, Ed and Mick all suspected something. That's bad. Really bad. Mick's a champion when it comes to find out about stuff you absolutely don't want him to find out about._

_After mom's last boyfriend, I promised myself to never become one of those women who protect her violent boyfriend slash man slash whoever the violent guy is. And here I am, lying to Mick, Nico and Ed about why my cheek is swollen. But it just happened once by accident, I'm not one of them, am I?_

* * *

Frustrated, I sigh and look at my prothesis standing next to my bed and at my right knee. The nasty scars are slowly fading and Ed promised me we would start with training how to walk with the prothesis next week. That's a huge step for me, sure, even though my crutches are going to stay by my side for another couple of weeks until I learned how to walk without kissing the ground.

But it seems like I'm not allowed to be happy or to be excited for something. Whenever I am, something happens that destroys all my excitement and all my happyness - like my so called boyfriend slapping me because he can't deal with the truth.

Maybe I don't deserve to be happy or excited for something at all. Maybe I deserve his slap. Maybe I should be glad it didn't end worse. Maybe I should be thankful that his slap wasn't as hard as it could have been. Maybe I just belong in a violent relationship after all.


	34. wednesday | Spielberg

Apparently, I really did a great job with interviewing the drivers because RTL asked me to do it for the rest of the season. A bit behind the scenes with Kai, a bit interviewing with Florian and asking the right questions at the right time and access to every single garage.

Lance doesn't know about this and I kind of don't feel bad for not telling him. Actually, nobody expect Nico and Lewis know about this - not even Sebastian and Kimi, they are thinking I'm sitting in my room and studying. Well, Lewis literally lives with us right now, so I couldn't keep those news away from him and because Nico missed his flight, I offered him to fly with the Britain and me. That's why Nico knows about my new job.

Lewis was so thoughtful and carries my suitcase up to my room for me - I obviously didn't ask him to do so, but I didn't stop him from doing so either. 

It's 2 pm and thanks to Antonio and Charles, I know Kimi and Sebastian are supposed to be at their motorhomes for the rest of the day, mentally preparing for the tough weekend ahead of them. So here I am, standing in front of my hotel and wait for Nico to pick me up. We're going to get some lunch and then, he's going to drop me off near their motorhomes so I can surprise my favourite couple.

After my post-school torture on Tuesday, he waited in front of our house and asked me if I was alright. It was a really cute gesture and after I send my father and Lewis a _'SOS, the Hulk's here and we're going inside any minute'_ , I invited him inside. We spend the whole evening in my room, talking about God and the world. Of course, I proudly showed him my prothesis and he made me try it on, just for fun. Because my arms were really sore, he helped me walking for the first time ever with my prothesis.

”Hey.” Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice him arriving at all. ”Hey.” Quietly, he chuckles and hugs me. ”I hope you're hungry because I heard about this amazing burger restaurant with sweet potato fries and some smokey beer sauce.”

\---

Lunch was amazing. The burger was bloody awesome, just like the fries and the sauce. And it was really fun with him. The old couple at the table next to us thought we were on a date and it was low-key akward when I refused to let him pay for me, but we could laugh about it on the back.

”Thanks for lunch, it was really nice.” Chuckling, he hands me my crutches and I smile at him. ”You're welcome and I'm glad you enjoyed it, Bella.” I take my crutches and kiss his cheek for a second before turning around and making my way to Sebastian's and Kimi's motorhomes.

”Take care and enjoy your day, Bella!”, he yells and I chuckle. ”You too, _Hülkie_ ”, I scream back and smile politely at the people who give me weird glares.

”Isabella, what are you doing here?” Britta comes towards me and I smile akwardly. ”Well, I kind of have a job? And I wanted to surprise Seb and Kimi with those good news.” Surprised, she looks at me and smiles. ”Wow, that's great, congratulations! They're both at Kimi's by the way.”

Before I can thank her, she excuses herself, leaves and I continue my way to Kimi's motorhome. ”Coming!” Footsteps are coming closer and closer and he opens the door. ”Hey guys, surprise!” Shirtless and shocked, he stands there in the doorway and I chuckle. ”Do you want to let me in or not?”

”Bella?” Sebastian joins his fiance at the door and blushes slightly. Messy hair, red cheeks, both shirtless - that's all evidence I need. ”Sorry if I disturbed you, but I have amazing news.” Blushing even harder, he pushes the Finn inside and lets me in. ”Then why don't you share those news with us?”

Quickly, they open every single window and I chuckle. ”You know I have to deal with Nico and Lewis almost every day, right? It's a good day if I don't find someone's boxershorts somewhere were they absolutely don't belong.” They put on shirts but mess it up - Sebastian wears Kimi's and the other way around. ”And they also mess up shirts.”

Dramatically, the Finn rolls his eyes and scoffs under his breath. ”You can't do that to us, teasing us with news and then changing the topic.” Quietly, I chuckle and place my crutches next to me on the ground. ”Alright, alright. So I did the post-race interviews with RTL, right? Because Kai was foodpoisened, just like Florian and Pascal's race engineer.” Both nod in synchrony and Sebastian gives me an reassuring smile.

”Seems like I did a good job since RTL asked me to join their team for the rest of the season. So I'm probably going to do a bit of everything - interviews, behind the scenes, asking the right questions at the same time and stuff.” Kimi quickly hugs me and gently ruffles through my hair. ”Congratulations, Bella, well done!” In awe, Sebastian watches his fiance and smiles. “Wow, that's really great, congratulations. We're so proud of you.“ We high five and they both chuckle in synchrony again. “You two are relationship goals.“

\---

“So are you and Lance really a thing?“, asks Kimi after four episodes of The Big Bang Theory while he plays with the German's hair and I swallow. “Yeah, kind of I guess?“ In disbelief, he looks at me and I sigh quietly. “How the hell did that happen?“ Obviously, he doesn't seem that happy for me like Sebastian is and it somehow hurts. “Well ... he kissed me again after my amputation, and again, and Lewis kind of brought us together“, I summarise the story of how we got together as brief as possible and shrug.

My phone rings and I ignore it. “Do you love him?“ Eyes rolling, I look at him and chuckle bitter. “I wouldn't be together with him if I didn't love him, would I?“ Quietly, Sebastian chuckles and shakes his head. “God, you could also simply say “of course I love him, Kimi“ but that wouldn't be you. Don't you want to look at your phone?“

Because I can't justify ignoring my phone without telling about Lance slapping me, I sigh, take my phone out of my pocket, unlock it and open the message.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
Can I pick you up for dinner in an hour? x

“Who texted you?“, asks Kimi and feels free to take my phone out of my hand to see himself who texted me. “You didn't change his name?“ Sighing, he looks at me and types something. “Did you just answer him?“ In shock, I look at him and when he nods, I can't believe it. ”Why did you do that, Kimi? Why?” Sebastian hands me my phone back and I swallow when I read the message.

 _ **To** : $troll_  
Sure, but can you pick me up at Kimi's?

 _ **To** : $troll_  
PS I love you.

”What the hell?” I let my phone fall down and stare at him, mentally freaking out. Those words were never said and I didn't plan on letting him really know what I feel - or maybe what I think I feel - and now Kimi did it for me. Just when Lance slapped me. Great. ”Because a) I want to see you two together and b) you would never say those words.”

Again, my phone rings and I wince in surprise and panic. ”Do you want to read his answer or should I read it first?” Worried, Sebastian looks at me and he seems not really happy with what his fiance just did. ”You”, is all I can say and he nods before picking up my phone and reading his answer. ”Guess you guys just reached a new level in your relationship.”

Weakly, he smiles and hands me my phone. My hands are shaking and I take a few deep breaths before I can read the message.

 _ **From** : $troll_  
I love you too, Bella.  
Can't wait to see you again.

”What are you going to answer him?” Confused, I look at Kimi and shrug. “Why should I answer? I'm busy with mentally freaking out because I'm not ready for whatever's going to happen when he picks me up? What if he wants to hear those words? What if he wants to have more body contact? What if he wants t-“ “Bella, calm down. You're going to be alright, I promise you.“

\---

“Are you nervous?“ The last fifty-five minutes, they tried to calm me down and prepare me as good as possible for whatever might happen after he picks me up, but it didn't work at all. “No, I'm not. It's not like we just skipped what feels like at least fifty levels or our relationship and I'm not ready for that. It's not like I have absolutely no clue what's going to happen after he picks me up, so why should I be nervous?“

Kimi sighs and looks out of the window. “Look, I'm sorry I didn't ask you if it's alright with you but you can't expect him to be happy with your relationship level before I sent the text forever.“

Weakly, I nod and he claps his hand when he arrives in his dad's Ferrari LaFerrari. “Hey, can you ask him if I can borrow his dad's car for a ride someday?“ Sebastian chuckles and gently slaps his fiance. “No, _Schatz_ , that would be inappropriate.“ Then, they both are suddenly completely silent and just seconds later, he knocks on the door of the Finn's motorhome.

Before I can open the door, he gently pushes me aside and opens the door himself. “Uh ... hi?“ Lance sounds really confused and I swallow, why didn't I cancel our date when I had the chance to? “Good evening, Lance, wh-“ “Kimi, stop it, please.“ Quickly, I move myself between the two and look down. “C'mon, Bella, I just wanted to know when he's going to drop you off and where the two of you are going.“

I roll my eyes and hug him briefly. “We're going to the beach and is uh ... nine alright?“, Lance asks and sighs in relief when the Finn nods. “See ya later, Seb, don't spy on us or I'll leak some stuff, Kimi.“

Sebastian wants to say something, but I leave the motorhome and close the door behind me before he can do so. And my boyfriend - or whatever he is - pulls me close and kisses me, right in front of Kimi's motorhome and in public.

* * *

 

 _ **From** : Iceman_  
You forgot your crutches, I hope he's carrying you around?

 _ **From** : Iceman_  
By the way, I don't think he's the right one for you, sorry Bella. It just didn't feel good, watching him kiss you that hard and in a quite public and risky place.

 _ **From** : Iceman_  
Take care of yourself, there's a tiny bottle of pepper spray in your jacket - don't be afraid to use it.


	35. friday | austrian grand prix

Kimi has to be wrong about our relationship. Because I forgot my crutches at his motorhome, Lance insisted on carrying me around the whole night long. We drove to a lake nearby, sat down on a hill right next to it and talked. Maybe I flinched every time he moved his hands, but he understood it. He understood it would take me some time until I wouldn't flinch at a slightly movement of him. And I'm thankful for that.

Lance also didn't complain when I wanted to listen to German and Italian music even though he doesn't understand a world. Instead, he tried to sign to the songs with me and it was the most adorable thing I ever heard in my life. So yeah, Kimi is definitely wrong about our relationship.

Yesterday, I sneaked into the press conference and made some German and Italian journalists ask Sebastian and Pascal hilarious questions until a security guy politely asked me to leave the press conference.

Then, I followed Nico around for the whole day - RTL wants to give the fans a better insight of what a Formula One driver has to deal with and I did it for them - and probably resurrected some rumours about him and me being a couple.

All in all, yesterday was hilarious. But today, I've got absolutely nothing to do which means I have to do my homework. That's why I'm sitting in the area for loaded guests with my maths book, my calculator, my notebook, my calculator and my pens spread across the table. God, I hate school.

”What's up, Bella?”, asks Lewis and sits down across the table. ”School's up, Lew. Ready for the free practice sessions?” Quietly, he chuckles, turns my book around and reads through the two pages with a weird expression on his face. ”Ew, I never really understood that bullshit. Maths wasn't my thing at all.”

Quickly, he turns it back around and I roll my eyes at him. ”Thanks for unmotivating me. Can you at least bring me some chocolate? Please? I need some sugar for my brain.” Okay, maybe I just asked him to bring me sweets because I know he's on a strict diet and it's low-key satisfying to see his frustration while I enjoy some sweets, but only maybe. ”You're doing that on purpose, aren't ya?”

Innocently, I look at him and shake my head. ”My brain needs sugar to work, lots of sugar. That's all, Lew. But I could also text a certain someone so that person tops for the third time and spank-” ”Okay, okay, milk chocolate as always?” Smiling, I nod and what him leave. I would never do that because I would hear it and I don't really want to hear my father and the man I slowly see as my second father doing sexual stuff at all. But it's good to know it works to make him do what I want him to do.

”Here, the lady said you ordered lots of Twix' yesterday, so she made me bring you some Twix as well.” Dramatically, he sighs and drops the sweets on my book. ”Thanks, Lew, I would offer you something but I know you're on a really strict diet so ... it's more for me.” Cheekily, I smile at him, grab a Twix and he quietly scoffs under his breath. ”You did that on purpose.”

While I enjoy the Twix, I push the other sweets off my book and he shakes his head slightly. ”Maybe I did that on purpose as an revange for unmotivating me to do my maths homework, but the world will never know the truth at all.”

For a while, we sit there in a comfortable silence. Lewis checks his social media accounts and I eat my precious sweets and try to solve the stupid maths exercises. ”Bella?”, he asks suddenly and I look up. ”Yeah?” I'm really thankful for this small break because I really don't understand the damn exercises at all. ”Would it be okay if I put a picture of you in my Instagram story?”

Once - I think it was right before the Monaco Grand Prix - he uploaded a picture of me eating a huge burger without asking me and Nico freaked out. I didn't mind it at all, but my father made it a huge drama. ”Sure, do you want me to sign something just in case Nico freaks out again?”

”Nah, it should be fine.” Slightly, he chuckles and I grab a chocolate bar. ”You're unfair, I really crave chocolate right now.“ With a cheeky smile, I open the wrapping and eat the whole bar. “It's not my fault you're on a strict idea, you could just ask your team to make your car somehow lighter.“ We both know you can't ask your team to do that and he scoffs. “That's not helping at all.“

“You're welcome.“ Toto enters the area and chuckles when he sees us sitting on a table with sweets and my school stuff spread across the table. “Lewis, don't you have to get changed for FP1? It's starting in ten minutes and Bella needs to do her homework without distractions.“

Eyes rolling, I watch the Britain stand up and tell him to enjoy the first free practice session. “When you're finished with Maths, you can join us in the gara-“ “You're not my dad and I wouldn't even listen to him.“ He sighs and sits down on the chair across the table. “I know, I know. But it's for your own sake - you would never finish your homework if I let you watch the whole practice session now.“

Quietly, I curse under my breath because he has a point. “If you don't understand it, I can ask someone to help you, but it's better to do it now than Sunday night. Specially if you missed a celebration party because you would have to finish your homework.“ Okay, he really has a point. “Got it, but I don't understand that shit and I tried to solve the exercise somehow for at least an hour.“

\---

Dave - a mechanic who had maths advanced course - helped me out and it somehow even made sense. It took him the whole first practice session to explain the exercise to me, but it was worth it since I could solve the other exercises in less than ten minutes.

Now, it's lunch time and together with Sebastian, I sit on the roof of the Scuderia Ferrari hospitality. Nobody knows I'm here, they somehow sneaked me in and I have absolutely no idea how the managed to do that, bug here I am.

The last time I sat on the roof of Ferrari's hospitality, Sebastian and I started to plan the proposal and twenty four hours later, I was already placed in an artificial coma.

“Wanna cause some trouble?“, I ask to get rid of those thoughts and Kimi smirks. “Of course, Bella. What do you have in mind?“ When I see Daniel, Max, Daniil and Carlos leaving the RedBull hospitality together, I have one of the best ideas of my life. “Do you have water balloons laying around?“

The Finn shakes his head and expects his fiance to do the same, but Sebastian stands up and leaves us alone on the roof. “Maybe he thinks we could use condoms as water balloons“, he smirks and I roll my eyes, “because we have definitely too much condoms bu-“ “ _Liebling_ , shut up.“

Blushing, he hands me way more water balloons than I dreamed of and slaps his fiance. “Em tends to hide her stuff and it seems like she thought my suitcase would be the perfect place to hide her water balloons from Matilda and Robin.“

As soon as he mentions Kimi's son, the Finn smiles and I chuckle slightly. “Maybe we should fill the balloons while Bella watches the crowd to find some targets, _Liebling_. Then, we carry you downstairs after you told us the targets because we can run away if someone looks up.“ Weakly, I nod and swallow hard when they leave the roof hand in hand. I just managed to forget everything for a second and then Sebastian has to mention my missing right lower leg. He's right, he really is, but the fact still hurts like hell.

Fifteen minutes later, I sit in front of the Sauber garage on some used tyres with a small pint of Ben and Jerry's and a water gun hidden behind another used tyre. I nod and suddenly, Daniel screams in a high-pitched voice. “Who the fuck did that? God my balls are freezing!“

Before someone can react, Daniil, Max, Carlos, Lance and Fernando are wet as well and I sigh satisfied. This is fun. Max literally tears his T-shirt apart and shrieks when another water balloon emtpies itself on his back. Daniil hides behind his press agent guy, so he gets wet as well.

In surprise, I watch them continuing even though they targeted everyone I told them to. Their chosen targets are Maurizio - who is absolutely not amused, Pascal who just gives me a _“I know you are involved in this“_ look, Lewis who almost lets his phone fall down and some random journalists.

The next time I look up, they're both gone and I chuckle quietly. And I didn't have to protect myself with the water gun - I usually love pranks and everything that comes with it, but not here. I don't know why, but I still don't feel really comfortable with all those people around me.

\---

After the second free practice session, I sneak into Lance's changing room. It's not as difficult as I expected, I earn a few confused glares on my way but they probably think I have to talk to someone who absolutely isn't Lance in private. As promised, his room is unlocked and I sigh in relief when I'm finally safe.

So I sit on his couch, fold his overall and his fireproof underwear he wore earlier today and place it in front of me on the ground. His room is slightly messy, there are some crumbled pieces of paper laying in the corner and the clothes he wore when he arrived at the circuit are spread across the room. It's interesting how many clothes a single human being can wear in less than twenty four hours.

Fifteen minutes later, he enters the room without thinking about giving me a warning and I wince in surprise. “Finally, I was so close to answer some hate tweets.” Quickly, I put my phone away, grab one of my crutches and stand up. ”We don't have time for that, Bella, my mom's coming upstairs every second.” In disbelief, I look at him and he ruffles through his hair in frustration. ”You can't leave, she could be on her way so ... hide in the bathroom.”

Quickly, he grabs my crutches and my phone, pushes me into the bathroom before I can even protest. ”Just stay silent, I'll make it short.” Gently, he kisses my forehead, leans my crutches against the wall and places my phone onto the sink. ”Why don't you just te-” A knock on the door interrupts me and he gives me an excusing look before closing the door behind him and welcoming his mother.

Since I don't really care what she has to tell him, I don't eavesdrop their conversation. Instead, I retweet some stuff on Twitter, like some pictures on Instagram, reblog some good content on Tumblr and watch Lewis' Instagram story over and over again. _”Not fair @Isabella_racing”_ , he commented the picture of me and I can't believe how awful I look on that picture.

”Can I use your bathroom?” No, you can't use your son's bathroom because I - his girlfriend he doesn't want you to know about - am in his bathroom, hiding from you. Panicking, I look around, put my phone into my pocket and grab my crutches. ”Of course, but did I tell you the story of how I me-” ”That really has to wait.”

As quiet and as quick as I can, I go into the shower and hide behind the shower curtain. Jusr in time, because just when I want to sigh in relief, the door opens and she comes in.

So here I stand, in Lance's shower, having to listen to his mother peeing right next to me and this is really akward. I will never able to look into her eyes after this, this is so embarrassing and gross.

She flushes, washes her hands and leaves the room and I didn't realise I hold my breath until the door's closed and I'm on my own again. ”Oh God", I mutter under my breath and leave the shower. ”Love you too, mom, see you tomorrow!”

The door closes and in the very next second, he opens the bathroom door and I don't know if I should slap or hug him. ”Look, Bella, I'm so sorry fo-” ”Maybe you should just tell her. Or maybe do it like I do it with Matteo. I told him I have a boyfriend months ago and when we're in Abu Dhabi and far, far, away, I'll tell him your name.”

Sighing, he shakes his head and I swallow. ”She wouldn't approve our relationship.” Bitter, I chuckle and look straight into his eyes. ”Tell her or you won't have a girlfriend any longer because I won't hide again when she shows up all out of a sudden.”


	36. sunday | austrian grand prix

Yesterday was uneventful and even the qualifying didn't really change that - the one big question was which Ferrari driver would end up on P2 and which one would end up on P3. Valteri dominated the last free practice session as well as the qualifying, Kimi was 0.005 seconds faster than Sebastian and Lewis was only 0.010 seconds faster than Esteban on P5. The Britain struggled a lot with the tyres and the setup which isn't that uncommon for him anymore.

It's 6 am and I make my way downstairs to have breakfast. It's way hotter than yesterday and I couldn't sleep that well last night because the air was hot and sticky and I spend most of the night figuring out how to make it more comfortable. Spoiler alert, there is no way to make this heat more comfortable.

”Good morning, Bella.” Pascal enters the lift and I chuckle slightly. ”Don't you have a motorhome next to Seb's?” Slightly embarrassed, he nods and blushes. ”Well ... yeah. But someone destroyed the air conditioner and because you just can't sleep in a motorhome without an air-con, I have one of the spare rooms.” 

Oh right, the football game. I wanted to watch it with my fellow Germans, but I fell asleep when I wanted to get changed. ”Who destroyed it and how did that ha-” The door opens again and Nico enters the lift. ”Can you please explain her how your and my air conditioner were destroyed during the football game last night?”

He groans and I chuckle. ”Please tell me you didn't play football in your motorhomes.” Both look at me and I burst out in laughers. “Even A knows you don't play football inside, guys. Let me guess, they had a penalty kick and they didn't score so you decided to s-” ”Stop, you know us too well.”

Cheekily, I smile at them and leave the lift when it's finally downstairs. “And you didn't destroy Sebastian's as well?” Pascal pouts and I chuckle. ”No, he didn't let us in after what happened.” I really missed this, hanging out with ⅔ of Team Germany, specially with the German Grand Prix being the very next race.

While I reserve a table for the three of us, they take care of the food. And even though I would never let them know, I'm quite thankful for this desicion because I don't know how I should survive the day when my muscles are already sore as hell. I should have definitely worked out more, but I couldn't because the sweat would have ruined the make up I needed to cover up Lance's handprint on my cheek.

”What are you thinking of?”, asks Nico and I wince in surprise when he places a plate full with pancakes and maple syrup and I shrug. ”I just don't understand why my arms don't get used to this.” Sceptically, he looks at me and I smile at Pascal when he comes with my precious hot chocolate. ”Thanks guys. Good appetite.”

In a slightly akward silence, we eat and of course I have to be the last one to eat. ”Bella, can I ask you a question?” Confused, I look at Pascal and swallow quickly. ”You know you can just ask, don't you?” Quietly, I chuckle and he just frowns. ”But this is a quite personal question so you don't have to answer it if you don't feel like it.” Taking a deep breath, he pauses and I have no idea what the hell is going on. ”Are you and Lance really together?”

I split out the hot chocolate I just wanted to drink and look at them in disbelief. ”We ... we just wanted to make sure because he bragged about you being his girlfriend after the briefing before everyone left. Kimi was really pissed and Lewis almost punched him.” My whole body's shaking and I absolutely don't know what to do or what to say.

He betrayed me. He didn't keep it a secret like he promised me to do. And nobody thought about telling me. Lewis had enough time to mention it or at least to drop some hints on Friday and even Sebastian and Kimi didn't told me. ”U-uh ... w-well ...”, I start and swallow hard. ”K-kind of, yeah.”

Someone gently pats my back and when I look up, they both smile weakly at me. ”It surprised us both, but we won't judge you for loving someone.” A single tear streams down my face and Pascal moves closer and gently wipes it away. ”Shh don't cry, Bella. Friends are always there for each other and support each other, remember?”

\---

Together, we drove to the circuit and until they had stuff to do, they didn't let me alone. We hanged out in Nico's room, teaching Pascal how to do an Instagram story and how to use the filters and everything. It was hilarious because even Keke understood it faster than he did.

Now that they're gone, I just try to stay away from Lance - I'm really angry at him and I don't want to slap him in public. I don't want to slap him at all but the thought of his betrayal is making me really angry. I just want to punch him hard in his adorable face and scream at him. So it's better to ignore him until my anger has somehow faded and I can look at him without feeling the need to hurt him somehow.

Also, I try to not walk into Lewis, Sebastian or Kimi - I just don't feel like seeing one of them right now. They could have told me. They could have told me to give me a chance to prepare myself for questions. But they didn't and I really don't understand why they didn't.

Together with Toto, I enjoy the sun at the seating area on the roof of the Mercedes Motorhome. He facetimes with Susie and Jack at home while I stare at the black screen of my phone.

Suddenly, it rings and I wince in shock and almost let it fall down. ”Careful, Bella.” Slightly, he chuckles and I scoff under my breath.

 _ **From** : the hulk_  
Would you like to join me at the Driver's Parade?  
PS: I won't take no as an answer. This is a rhetorical question.

Quietly, I sigh and roll my eyes at Nico's message. On the one hand, I'm kind of thankful to have friends like him who force me to socialize and stuff, but on the other hand, I really don't feel like socializing with Lance, Sebastian, Kimi and Lewis around.

 _ **To** : the hulk_  
How about no, thank you but I prefer watching it with the crew at the Merc motorhome?

 _ **From** : the hulk_  
Unacceptable answer. I'll pick you up in twenty minutes, wear something pretty to piss a certain bragging someone off. x

Nico's unbelievable. He's really unbelievable and I slightly shake my head.

 _ **From** : the hulk_  
I'm serious, Bella. Make him reget bragging without stopping to ignore him.

”Nico asked me to join him for the Driver's Parade, would that be alright with you?”, I ask him and silently pray he has something against it. ”The contract officially starts next year, so no, I have completely nothing against it. Enjoy it, Bella, and have fun.”

Weakly, I smile at him and nod. ”Thanks”, I mumble, quickly stand up and leave the roof of the Mercedes Motorhome. I should probably be looking forward to the Driver's Parade, but or some reasons, I'm not.

Because I know Toto won't need his bureau in the next few minutes, I use it to quickly get changed into one of my favourite shirts. It's the present Sebastian, Nico and Pascal got me for my birthday - it's a Team Germany shirt and I really love it.

Just when I finally leave the Motorhome, Nico shows up and I gently slap his arm. ”I hate you”, I mumble under my breath while we make our way to the Driver's Parade. ”Nah, you love me. You even wear a shirt with my signature on it.”

\---

The Driver's Parade was really nice. Pascal's car broke down right at the start and Max' car broke down a few meters later, so they both joined us - and surprisingly, no one fell down.

Together with Toto and Niki, I watch the last five laps of the race and they're not that happy. Valteri had an engine failure, so Kimi took over the lead and he kept it. Meanwhile, it doesn't seem to be Sebastian's and Lewis' day at all. They both struggle a lot and Kimi has a one second gap between him and his teammate. And the German has a thirty seconds gap between him and Lewis.

While both Ferraris just have to finish the race, Lewis suddenly has to fight for his position. Daniel and Max - who both overtook Esteban at the start - are right behind him and both of them really want it.

Three laps to go. Max tries to overtake Lewis and it seems to work out. Toto curses under his breath and Niki shakes his head in disapproval when we see how the Britain tries to fight back and suddenly, they crash. It's not a hard crash, Max completely loses his front wing and Lewis' right front tyre isn't in the position it should be, but it means none of them can finish the race. ”Damn it!”

\---

Race results:

1\. Räikkönen  
2\. Vettel  
3\. Ricciardo  
4\. Ocon  
5\. Perez  
6\. Kyvat  
7\. Hülkenberg  
8\. Sainz Junior  
9\. Wehrlein  
10\. Massa  
11\. Grosjean  
12\. Vandoorne  
13\. Magnussen  
14\. Ericsson  
15\. Palmer  
\-- Grosjean  
\-- Stroll  
\-- Bottas  
\-- Hamilton  
\-- Verstappen

\---

Instead of a plane like usual, the Air Monaco™ guys have rented a bus to drive back to Monaco because it doesn't really make sense to fly back. Daniel offered me a ride, but I politely declined it. Lewis had offered me a ride in his fancy Mercedes-Benz - I don't remember the name of the car, but it's fancy as hell - and I just couldn't say no to that.

Looking back, I should have said no to his offer when I had the chance. He's pissed and tries to cover it up and fails badly. So he drives and I lean my head against the pillow he gave me and watch him drive. ”It wasn't your fault”, I tell him for what feels like the millionth time. His brakes failed completely so he had absolutely no chance to avoid a crash with Max.

Like the million times before, he just shrugs and I quietly sigh in relief when we're close to the border.

\---

”Bella. Bella. C'mon, wake up sleepyhead.” Groaning, I look around and sigh, I didn't want to fall asleep for God's sake. ”Sorry. Do you want to come inside? I bet they wo-” ”Nico didn't tell you?”

Lewis looks really hurt and I shake my head, totally confused. ”He didn't tell me what?”

Taking a deep breath, he looks down and swallows. ”Nico broke up with me, he wants to give Vivian a second chance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo ... opinions anyone?


	37. sunday | homeless in Monaco

Lewis dropped me off at our house and I can't believe it. Nico wants to give Vivian a second chance. He wants to give the woman who made him chose between me and her a second chance. Okay, she's pregnant with Alaïa's silbling but that doesn't change the fact she made him chose between his oldest daughter and her.

In disbelief, I grab my phone and call Nico - he really needs to explain this whole mess to me. Alaïa loves Lewis and even calls him papa sometimes and Nico wants to throw this all away? ”Hey, father, we really need to talk”, I state as soon as he answer the call and sigh quietly. ”Oh hi Isabella, Nico can't answer the phone right now. We're having dinner with friends a-” ”Vivian?”

No, no, no, this can't be real. This is a bad dream. I just have to wake up and everything's fine. ”Of course it's me, silly.” She giggles and I roll my eyes. ”Tell him to text me when he's free, I just want to go to bed right now.”

Again, she giggles and I clinch my fists, I really don't understand why he chooses her over Lewis. I really don't understand it. ”Right, he didn't tell you. Someone broke in the other day, so we had the change the keys, so you won't come in.” This just can't be true. ”Seens like you have to find a place to sleep.”

Then, she hangs up and I kick my suitcase in anger. Nobody would be that stupid to break into our house, it's one of the ten safest houses in Monaco. Keke and Nico made sure of that when I decided to move in with my father and my sister so I could feel safe and didn't have to worry about my mom's last boyfriend repeating what happened in my apartment. Nobody would take the high risk of being caught since there are security cameras everywhere. One of them is watching me right now and I show it my middle finger.

And I have no place to go. I really don't want to go to Lance right now and the pizzeria's closer. A close friend of Paolo died and the whole family went to Italy for the funeral. As a sigh of respect for his dead friend, he closed the pizzeria for the whole week. It's not like I don't have keys, but the keys for the pizzeria and the rest of the house are inside.

 _ **To** : Nico_  
I told you I was coming tonight and you didn't even think about letting me know you changed keys?

 _ **To** : Nico_  
A loves Lewis, she calls him Papa and he's kind of a second dad to me too. And you throw that all away?

 _ **To** : Nico_  
What about ”I want to spend the rest of my life with him, Bella” or ”I'm going to get old with him by my side” or ”I want to marry him one day” ?

 ** _To_** : _Nico_  
You can't be serious. You just can't. Is it because she's pregnant? Because she won't let you see your kid if you're not a couple?

 _ **To** : Nico_  
Guess I'll sleep on a bench in the park now. Or maybe I'll call my buddy Prince Albert and complain about the dickhead of a father I have

 _ **To** : Nico_  
Who am I kidding? I'll better call the sun. Or Bild. Or maybe both.

 _ **To** : Nico_  
I hope you have the worst sex of your life tonight.

 _ **To** : Nico_  
And I hope you have to think of Lewis in order to be able to have the worst sex of your life.

Maybe I'm a bit too hard to him, but I really don't care right now. He knows how I think about her, so he should have definitely warned me about this.

Sighing, I sit down on my suitcase and let my crutches fall down. It's becoming dark which means I have to find a place to stay soon. So I open my contacts and scroll through the list.  
Lewis? No, not after the ride. I'll check on him tomorrow.  
Daniil? No, he's back together with Kelly and they probably have couple stuff to do.  
Keke and Sina? They're somewhere on vacation - I think they're in Kiel or Hamburg, I don't know and I don't care right now.  
Felipe? Nah, I really don't want to disturb his precious family time.  
Stoffel? Nope, he has some friends over and I met them yesterday, I don't really need to hang out with them.  
Charles? If I remember correctly, he had a race somewhere on this planet earlier today, so I can't expect him to be back.  
Daniel? He's probably out with some friends to celebrate his third place which leaves me with Max.

So I call him and silently pray he's in a better mood than Lewis. ”Hey Bella, what's up?” Slightly, he laughs and I sigh in relief, he sounds good. ”Uh ... first of all, I'm really sorry you couldn't finish the race.” Someone laughs in background and if I'm not completely mistaken, it's Daniil. “Oh, it's alright. There's nothing I could have done to avoid the crash.“

For a few seconds, there's an awkward silence between him and me and I take a deep breath. “True and that's actually not the reason why I'm calling. So Vivian and Nico are back together and they changed the keys while I was gone. Now I sit in front of the house, I can't get in and my other keys for the pizzeria are inside, so I hoped I could ma-“ “Sure. We're having a RedBull night, but you can join us.“

That explains the laughers in the background. “Are you sure? I don't want to ruin your night.“ Someone grabs his phone and I can hear him yell “no you asshole“ over and over again.

“No, you're not ruining the night. Dan's going to pick you up, alright? Just take care of yourself until he's there, there are a lot of weird people out at night in Monaco.“

\---

The drive back was really akward. Daniel seemed to want to ask me something, but he didn't. And thanks to Nico and Pascal, I can imagine what exactly he wanted to know. While he brings my suitcase in his apartment - according to him, it's the safest one and Carlos would sleep there too so I would have two strong guys with me the whole night - I knock on Max' door and chuckle when he opens the door with an almost empty bottle of vodka in his hands.

“Heeeeey, look who's here guys!“ Cheering, he lets me in and I slightly shake my head, this is going to be really interesting. “How did you manage to sound sobber on the phone?“, I ask and he smirks. “Practice, Bella, practice.“

I sit down on the couch right next to Daniil and Max puts my crutches away before sitting down on my other side. “Is it true that Lance and you are dating?“, blurts Carlos out and I just roll my eyes. “Yeah.“

“Guys, I wanted to ask the questions“, whines Daniel and gets everyone's attention. They drank quite a lot before I arrived - I didn't see the empty bottles right next to the door when I entered the apartment. “You seriously want to question me about my relationship with Lance?“

I sigh and Max hands me a drink. “What's in the-“ “Just drink it or you won't survive the night.“ Because I've got absolutely nothing to loose, I shrug and chug the liquid. It tastes bitter and it burns in my throat. “If you don't want to answer those questions, it's fine, but his bragging made us all curious.“

Eyes rolling, I look at them, of course it made them curious. Of course it did. “Give me another drink and I might answer your damn questions.“ Just when the last part left my lips, Daniil hands me a shot and gives the others one as well. “What do you say in German before drinking?“, asks Carlos and Max and I look at each other, slightly smirking for no particular reasons. „Prost.“ We all hold the shots up and they mumble the word before chugging the vodka down.

Again, it burns in my throat and I grimace at the bitterness that comes with it. “Did you two did the thing?“ Quickly, I look at Daniel and groan slightly, it's blurry when I move too fast. “For God's sake, no, no, no.“ They chuckle and I slap someone's arm. My brain is busy with dealing with the alcohol and I'm feeling weird. “Why not? Don't you trust him enough?“

I'm absolutely not used to alcohol at all. Sure, I had some sparkling wine, champagne, wine and beer every now and then, but I never drank harder alcohol before. For some reasons, it just never really interested me, I was way too focused on racing. Maybe I'll reget this tomorrow, but that's how I always wanted to get drunk. With friends, after a shitty day, a shitty week or a shitty month, feeling safe enough to actually get drunk and everything.

For some reasons, they seem to be really interested in my love life. “If I didn't trust him, I would not be together with him, would I?“, I respond with my typical answer and Carlos shakes his head. “My mom used to say 'if someone answers with another question, you found a weak point'.“

Quietly, I groan and take another shot, this time from Daniel. „Prost“, I mutter under my breath and chug the liquid. Carlos says something about not making me too drunk, but I don't understand the rest of his sentence. “I just ... I just don't know if I really love him or if I'm in love with the feeling of being loved and everything“, I blurt out and giggle quietly.

For the very first time in my life, I giggle. I never giggle. Maybe the second shot was too much. With a somewhy worried expression, Daniil looks at me and sighs. ”You still didn't answer the question.” A bit too fast, I nod and giggle again. ”Can I have another shot?” Before Carlos can protest, I am handed another shot and chug it down without hesitation. ”He slapped and betrayed me, I just can't trust him right now.”

My brain's officially gone, it's probably taking a bath in the alcohol I chugged down and my vision becomes more blurry. ”Also, he's the worst storyteller I ever met, even A can tell stories better than he can.”

Max chuckles and I roll my eyes dramatically. ”By the way, you're all now officially invited to every DTM race next year.” My head's really heavy and I quietly groan. ”We don't have a Driver's Parade, but we have cold tyres and two shorter races and no teamradio. Just don't tell Lance I invited you, he would freak out because he's such a jealous pain in my arse.” They say something, but I don't really understand it and so I just giggle. Again.

Suddenly, I'm sleepy. Like really sleepy. Yawning, I lay down and place my head on Daniil's lap and he gently ruffles through my hair. ”Good night”, I whisper before I drift off into the land of dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions, anyone?


	38. thursday | russian grand prix

Since I told them about Lance slapping me, the Red Bull boys never left my side. They blocked his number and didn't let me leave the building on my own. One of them always went to rehab with me, one of them always went out with me and even when I wanted to visit my family, one of them went with me. They even declined the flight with Air Monaco™ to fly with Pascal and me.

Everything was totally fine until the press conference schedule for today was announced. Sebastian, Lewis and Daniel were the first three to face the media and I absolutely don't have a problem with that paring, but the other one worries me. The other pairing are Lance, Daniil and Max. And I'm not sure if everyone is going to survive this press conference.

It doesn't make it better that I have to be there because the RTL guy who usually has the honour of watching the press conferences is sick. They don't show it, but they still have someone who watches it. And they asked me to watch the press conferences - maybe they want me to join their team for some more years, maybe they think they do something good for me, I don't know.

So here I am, sitting in the very back of the room and watching Sebastian answering a question without looking at Lewis. Since Azerbaijan, things have been really akward between them and it doesn't make it easier for me to keep in touch with both of them.

The questions are becoming more and more stupid if you ask me. Obviously, things have changed between them; the congratulations have become colder and the tension is steadily increasing.  
Mercedes is still sandbagging but Lewis will never admit that. Ferrari's biggest problem is still the damn engine and it seems like it could cost Sebastian the championship.  
No, Lewis doesn't have a girlfriend and yes, Sebastian isn't going to share stories about his family anytime soon.  
Kimi can't win the championship so he's going to help Sebastian and I swear to God if another journalist criticises Ferrari for this even though Mercedes did it since the very beginning of the season, I'm going to slap said journalist.

Quietly, I scoff under my breath when a journalist asks them something and some others laugh at him for the accent. For God's sake, not everyone's British or American. I had a horrible accent before I got a British race engineer, now I speak like a real Britain myself.

Sebastian and I share a look, he nods weakly and he clears his throat. “Why are you laughing? It's not funny, he's not a native English speaker and I understood him - that's what matters.“ Lewis just shrugs slightly and Daniel nods quickly. “Yeah, agree. It's unprofessional to make fun of someone who really tries.“

Sebastian joined us on the second flight and a guy in the row in front of me made fun of the Russian stewardess who struggled with the right pronounciation of an English word. While Daniil taught her how to pronounce the word correctly, Sebastian, Daniel and I had a multilingual argument with this asshole and the stewardess ended it with telling him to have a good day in a perfect English. 

And that's when we - or more likely Daniil who felt really sorry for the lady - decided to do something if something like that happened at a press conference.

“That was it for today, thank you guys.“ Shit. Shit. Shit. Quickly, I grab my phone and silently pray Max or Daniil read the message before they enter the room. It's my first time being in public with my prothesis and I don't want it to end in a disaster.

 _ **To** : Daniil_  
Just please don't mention it. Please. I'm begging you.

 _ **To** : Max_  
I swear to god if you blurt it out you're a dead man walking. Don't make it personal, it's between Lance and me not between you and him.

”Your boyfriend?”, asks the journalist next to me and I chuckle. ”No, just a good friend. He's kind of a big brother to me.” Before he can question my answer, they enter the room and I can see Daniil quickly putting his phone in his pocket. In relief, I sigh and put my phone away. He read it. He hopefully told Max about my message. It's going to be alright.

They sit down, Max on the left, Lance in the middle and Daniil on the right. Maybe it's not going to be alright after all. The first two questions are about Lance's two last podiums and the two Red Bull boys chat quietly while my boyfriend or whatever he is answers the questions.

Everyone notices something's different, it's so obvious Daniil and Max try to provocate him and I groan quietly. This is not good. This is totally not good. They're so busy with talking to each other that the Dutch doesn't even realise he's asked a question. Akwardly, Lance mumbles something and Max laughs. ”Oh my God, I'm so sorry, we just saw someone hitting his girlfriend and we wanted to help but we weren't allowed to because we had to be here in time.”

My mouth is dry like the Sahara and I feel like I'm passing out any second. He's testing Lance. No, they're testing him. They want to see how he reacts. They're testing him in front of the media. For a second, he freezes and Daniil nods. ”The poor girl was so scared, I'm going to check on her later.”

The audience is silent. Everyone's writing stuff down and I swallow hard. Why are they doing this after I asked them to let it be? ”Maybe Bella can help us, y'know, she knows best what the poor girl is going through right now.” This _can't_ be real. This _can't_ be happening right now. ”That's a good idea but I think you still have to answer the question.”

Lance slowly seems to realise what's going on and I want to leave the room. I want to leave the room, run away and never face a single person again. But I can't because it would let everyone know the girl they're actually talking about is me.

”Right, sorry. What was the question again?” My heart's beating fast and my palms are sweating. I feel sick and out of a sudden, I've got a headache. The guy repeats the question and Max rambles since he doesn't really know what to say. At least it seems like it to me - but I can't trust myself right now. For the rest of the questions, it's okay. They smirk and talk way too much for my liking, but they don't mention it anymore.

Then, it's time for the questions of the floor and I'm really close to passing out. “This question is for Daniil and Max. You two seem to get along quite well even though of the change in 2016. How would you guys describe your realationship with the other drivers? For example with Sebastian or Lance?“

 _No_. No, no, no, no, no. This is the question they waited for, I can tell. The way Max moves closer to the microphone and the way Daniil looks around the room, probably looking for me - it's so unbelievable conspicuous to me. “Our relationships with other drivers? On the track, we're all rivals. It doesn't matter if it's my teammate I'm fighting against or someone else, I want to win the fight“, states Max and I pray to God, to my mother and to everything I can think of to stop them before they blurt out something.

“Off the track, there are a few drivers you get along better with and a few drivers you don't really want to see in your free time. For example I work out sometimes with Stoffel because we go to the same gym and it's quite nice“, adds Daniil, looking around again.

“Or whenever Felipe does a barbecue, he always asks us if we want to join him.“ Lance takes a deep breath and seems way more relaxed now. I really wish I could share his optimism but I can't. I know them too well to think this is over now. “What about other younger drivers? Like ... Pascal, Lance and the others?“

Max smirks and I have to pinch myself to stay calm. “Well, I lost respect for a driver because he did something horrible, but the others are okay. They're not my best friends but nobody expects us to be best friends, so ... yeah.“

Lance tenses and I forget how to breath, how to swallow and how to live in general. No, no, no, no, no. _No_. The ground may open up and swallow me right now. ”Who did something horrible?” Journalists. Right now, I detest them all. “I can't tell you, sorry.“ Satisfied, Daniil watches the journalists go crazy and I can't stand up, even if I wanted to leave the room and drop the hint that I'm somehow involved in this, I just can't. My legs are shaking and I don't trust my own muscles right now.

They shout questions, the press conference is a mess. They all stand and try to get something more specific out of them. So I stand up as well and lean myself against the wall behind me. With trembling hands, I grab my phone, unlock it and open the messager. This is my only chance to prevent the worst outcome of this press conference.

 _ **To** : Max_  
That's enough, he knows now that you know about that night. He won't do it again, trust me.  
PS: You're a dead man walking.

 _ **To** : Daniil_  
He has learned his lesson, I promise you. If you say want you want to say, you do not only destroy his life/career, but mine as well. Remember that.

Just when I send the two text messages, the Dutch looks down and I sigh in relief. They did enough damage for one day. I don't expect an answer, so I put my phone back into my pocket and feel sorry for the security guys - they have to keep the super interested journalists away from the three youngsters.

“Okay, okay, guys.“ Lance's voice is shaking and I swallow hard, I never wanted him to be in this situation. “Sit down and we're going to tell you who did that horrible thing.“ I gasp and I could swear my heart stopped beating for a millisecond. This can't be happening.

In disbelief, I watch everyone sit down and clench my fists weakly. He doesn't have to do that. There are other ways, he doesn't have to expose himself to the media as the guy who hit his girlfriend once. Daniil and Max look at him surprised and the Russian quickly drinks some water.

“Truth is, it was me.“ Suddenly, the whole room is completely silent. You could probably hear a bee flying around. “And what was the horrible thing you did?“, asks a lady quietly and he looks at me. Even though he's at the other end of the room, we have eye contact for a second and my heart's beating faster and faster. “I hit the girl I love because I got jealous.“

And again, it's completely silent. I almost pass out, the journalist next to me gives me his water bottle and I chug down the water without hesitating for a second. He did it. He just exposed himself because I couldn't control myself while being drunk. “But we talked about it, I explained myself and everything's fine between the two of us.“

For the first time in my life, I see journalists being speechless. But Daniil and Max aren't. Smiling cheekily, they both turn towards him and I freeze. ”Really? You talked about it?” Oh God, _no_. No, no, no, no, no. They can't do this to me. They can't. The Canadian clears his throat and scans the audience with his eyes, looking for someone. ”Y-yeah, we talked about it.” 

When he finds me in the mess that is the audience, he mouths _”I'm so sorry”_ and I just nod. I nod weakly and look down, now secretly praying for the ground to open up and swallow me. ”Are you positive? We could ask her, y'know, to clear things up.” 

 _No_. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is totally not the right way to do this. “Tell them, Bella, did he talk to you? Did he give you an explanation? Or did he just act like it never happened?“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... everyone knows it now. Opinions? How do you think will Sebastian, Kimi, Pascal & co react?


	39. thursday | russian grand prix (II)

Everyone turns around and stares at me. ”Tell us, Bella, did he or did he not?” _No_. No, no, no, no. You can't be doing this to me, guys, I trusted you. ”I-I ... uh ...” It's like I forgot how to speak, there are so many things going on in my brain right now and I just really don't know how to react. Do I protect him? And risk making Max and Daniil look bad? Or do I just say _'no'_ and watch him being roasted? ”Bella? Are you alright?”

No, I'm absolutely not alright. How should I be alright? Lance probably deserves a punishment, but not like this. Not in front of the media. Not in front of the cameras. This is horrible. This is worse than what I imagined as the worst case. The world knows now we were together. The world knows now he has some violent tendencies. Why doesn't the goddamn floor open up and swallow me? Weakly, I shake my head and Max literally runs towards me. Stop it. I can't show weakness. Not now. Not in front of the media. Not in front of the cameras.

Carefully, he pulls me into a close hug and the journalists just take photos. None of them is talking, maybe they forgot how to talk as well. I'm still frozen, I barely react at his touch and at his body contact. Is this how dying is like? Being aware of everything but not being able to react?

Backstage, there's an argument going on. You can't understand what is yelled, but you can hear the voices and that's enough to know it's not a normal conversation.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and Kimi comes in, his face is red and he seems not amused about something. ”Nobody hurts Bella without being hurt by me.” _No._ No, no, no, no, no, no. _No_. Max tenses and I swallow hard. This is a dream. Just a really bad dream. I just have to wake up for God's sake. ”Kimi, don't.”

In surprise, everyone looks at me and I'm also surprised that I suddenly remembered how to talk again. ”Do you want your kids to see you punching someone on TV? If you do this, you're not better than him at all. Let's talk about it ... in private.”

Quietly, Lance sighs in relief and Kimi just stares at me. He knows I'm right, he knows it would be on TV if he punched him. ”Press conference is over, we have to ask you to keep it a secret. We're going to publish a statement in the next days and you're going to have to sign some papers for professional discretion.” Slowly, Max lets me go and I take a deep breath while the journalists leave the room unamused.

I sit down again and look at the four men. Daniil looks down, Lance watches me closely, Max sits down in front of me and Kimi really has to control himself to not slap and/or punch my ex-boyfriend.

Before anyone can say something, someone knocks on the door and Maurizio and Toto come in. ”Sky showed everything. Does anyone want to explain what has been going on?” Again, I swallow hard and a quiet, choked sob passes my lips. How should I face journalists after this? God, I really can imagine my mom's last boyfriend sitting in prison, watching the mess and bragging about what he did you me.

”It's all m-” ”It was my fault. Lance was done and pissed because of stuff that's going on at Williams and I provocated him. I should have known better, specially with my mom's last boyfriend”, I blurt out before he can blame himself and everyone looks at me in disbelief. ”And then, I got drunk with the Red Bull boys because the whole week was just aweful. I drank too much and my drunken self thought it was appropriate to tell them.”

Maurizio shakes his head and Toto scoffs under his breath. ”Isabella, you don't expect us to believe it, do you? After Monaco, I read a lot about ... typical behaviour of victims like you. And one of those typical behaviours is protecting the person.“ Kimi just nods at his boss's statement and I wince quietly. I don't protect him, I protect myself for God's sake. His father could destroy my life in less than an hour. “We both would like to talk to you“, Toto looks at Daniil, Lance and Max, “in private. Christian, Claire and Franz are going to join us, as well as Nico.“

 _Nico_. He's here? This day is only getting worse and worse. “Take her somewhere safe. Maybe our garage? Tell Mattia and Simone it was an order.“ Surprised, I look at Maurizio, he wants me in the Ferrari garage. “Sure.“ Slightly, Kimi smiles at me and I nod a bit, stand up, put my phone back into my pocket and grab my crutches. “Oh, and you've got permission to push journalists out of your way. Maybe you could already ask our press guys to work with Mercedes' press guys together for a statement since it concerns both of our teams.“

I have absolutely no idea what's going on, I have no idea why Ferrari and Mercedes seem to stick together all out of a sudden and I don't think I will ever understand it. “Stay safe guys“, says Toto and I just nod. This is weird and strange and I just want to hide in my bed, under my blankets and pretend this never happened at all. So Kimi and I leave the room and I sigh when the security backstage eyes me sceptically. “Are you alright, Miss?“ Weakly, I nod and Kimi scoffs. “Obviously, she's not alright. Could you accompany us to the Ferrari garage?“

Knowing he doesn't have a choice, the guys nods and I slightly roll my eyes. I don't want to face people. I just want my precious bed. The Finn opens the door and I could swear I almost got blind in that moment. Way too much paparazzi are there are and I have to close my eyes. _Fuck_. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should have never agreed on coming here at all. “Put the cameras down or they're going to be confiscated.“

Gently, Kimi puts an arm around me and I sigh in relief when I open my eyes again and all cameras are gone. “It's going to be alright“, he mumbles and for the first time, I can't believe him. How is this ever going to be alright again? _How?_ The media never forgets things, they just don't mention everything and the internet absolutely never forgets. “For you? Of course. For me? Nah.“

Quietly, he sighs and can't help but chuckle slightly when the security guy pushes away some annoying journalists. “C'mon, Bella, people barely talk about Rihanna's past. You're going to be fine, I promise you.“

When the Ferrari garage is finally close, Sebastian just leaves it - probably for the obligatory track walk - and freezes when he sees his teammate, me and the security guy coming towards him. “Bella!“, he exclaims after a few seconds and I smile slightly. “Seb!“ I try to sound as motivated as possible, but my voice is shaking and I'm close to break down in tears, so it doesn't sound motivated and happy at all.

He mumbles something to his crew and then walks over to me. “Are you alright? Britta told me what happened“, he whispers and I see her in the garage, energetically talking so someone. “Y-yeah ... I guess.“ A single tear streams down my face and he carefully whippes it away. “You know what? I'll do the track walk as quick as I can, then Kimi can do his and I'll stay with you.“

His finance nods and I smile weakly. “But take the time you need, I don't wa-“ “You don't want me to lose the championship because of you. I know and I'm going to take the time I need, don't worry.“

So Sebastian leaves for the track walk and the security guy leaves as soon as we reach the Ferrari garage. “What is she doing here?“, asks Mattia sceptical and I roll my eyes. “Maurizio's orders, you probably heard about the press conference“, I answer on Italian and Kimi smirks a bit. “Yeah, exactly.“ Sighing, Mattia nods and looks at my stomach. “Thought you were pregnant. Miscarriage?“

Confused and in utter disbelief, I glare at him and shake my head. “Uh ... I was never pregnant at all.“ He mumbles something under his breath, turns around and leaves the garage. “Weird“, Kimi mumbles and suddenly, I remember what Pascal told me after I was kicked out of the Ferrari Driver's Academy.

> _“Someone probably doesn't want you to become stronger than you already are. Ferrari is known for doing everything possible to make their Juniors successful.“_

Maybe he was right after all. Maybe someone really tried to sabotage my career and it worked. Because I was never pregnant and it doesn't make sense that Mattia thought I was.

“What are you thinking about?“ Kimi ruffles through my hair and I shrug. “What if someone really sabotaged my career with telling Maurizio, Mattia and Simone that I was pregnant?“ Slightly, he sighs and helps me getting on a table to sit down like I did before Monaco. “We can ask him later if you want, but now, I really need to show you some really adorable videos of the kids playing together.“

For around two hours, I watch videos of Sebastian's and Kimi's kids getting along well. First with Kimi, then with Seb and when they both had to leave for the autographs session, Britta joined me. Antonio became my personal servant and every now and then, a mechanic asked me for my opinion. It didn't make me forget what happened at the press conference and it didn't stop me from worrying about the possible consequences. But being at the Ferrari garage had something homely, I used to spend every second I could here. And it made me feel safe.

Currently, I'm on my way to the Ferrari motorhome because Maurizio wants to speak with me before I have a meeting with the Toto, the big boss and some press agent guys at the Merc motorhome in an hour. Kimi, Sebastian, Antonio and Charles accompany me and keep every camera and every journalist as far as possible away from me. Trust me, it wasn't my idea. I just wanted to sneak into the motorhome through the backdoor, but Sebastian was worried about my safety.

“You guys can go now, I don't think I can get lost inside“, I joke when we finally arrive at the goddamn motorhome and Kimi scoffs. “She's embarrassed about us, guys. Can you believe it?“ Quietly, I curse under my breath in Italian and Antonio chuckles. “That's not nice, Bella.“ Charles looks at his watch and smiles weakly at me. “It's time. You'll be fine and at least one of us is going to wait here for you.“

It's silly, really silly, but at the same time it's a cute gesture. “You know you don't have to do this, right?“ Smiling, they all nod and I roll my eyes at them - I missed this. “Adios amigos.“

So I make my way to his office, knock on his door and he smiles weakly. “Sit down, please.“ Normally, I would do some stupid jokes, but I really don't feel like joking right now. I still just want to be in my precious bed, hide under the covers and pretend this day never happened at all. “To be honest, I was quite surprised to hear about your plans with Mercedes after I was told you were pregnant.“

There's one thing I really appreciate about Maurizio and that's his straightness. He doesn't like this whole formal talk and I don't like it either. Just like Sebastian, it's just dumb, useless and you waste time you could spend with sleeping. “That's interesting because I was never pregnant. Who told you that I was?“

Seems like my feeling earlier was right, seems like someone really sabotaged my career. Or at least someone tried to sabotage my career because I'm still here and I'm going to come back to Formula One one day. “That's weird because he even showed me an ultrasonic scan of your baby.“ He? Who the hell is he? And why didn't Maurizio asked me about it? Why didn't he congratulate me? God, this doesn't add up at all. “That's funny because I never had a baby I could have done a ultrasonic scan of.“

“Guess I'm going to have a serious chat with Lawrence, I can't believe he manipulated me after all I did for his son.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone thought of that?   
> Opinions, anyone? 
> 
> Thank you so, so, so, so much for every read, for every kudo and for every comment, it really means a lot to me!


	40. epilogue | sunday | post-final party

> _Looking back to everything that happened, it somehow made sense. Lance was used by his father to destroy me, mentally, emotionally and physically - at least that was Lawrence's plan. But it didn't work._   
>  _It didn't work because his son started to like me and tried to help me instead of not really caring about my career._   
>  _I don't know his whole plan and some things still still don't add up at all, but what I know is aweful enough._
> 
> _The first stage of his plan worked. Somehow, he managed to sabotage my car. Nobody understands how he was able to do it without being caught or disturbed, but he did it. He documented it for himself. That's why FIA already banned him from every future Formula One Grand Prix and every other Formula series race._

Together with Fabian, I enter the party location and take a deep breath. “Don't worry, I won't leave your side tonight“, he mumbles and gives me a reassuring smile. It's my first time being in public since the press conference and I'm low-key afraid of reactions and everything. And Lance is going to be here as well, so this is going to be a really interesting night. “Thanks.“

We're late but none of us really cares, they should be glad we're coming at all. “You're welcome, Bella.“ Weakly, I smile at him and he opens the door. “Let's have some fun before the preparation for DTM starts next week.“ He cheers quietly and I slightly shake my head - he's unbelievable. “Nice shirt by the way.“

Kimi made me wear the T-Shirt Ferrari designed for Sebastian's fifth championship and he even got me one of the few shirts the Formula One worldchampion signed himself. “Thanks.“ The whole team - including Kimi - wears the shirt and it's really cute how happy they are. And because Pascal and I found a really nice skirt when we went shopping last week, I'm even wearing a skirt for the first time since the amputation.

> _Lance didn't know, of course he didn't. He showed up crying at our house when his father's plan came out and I have never seen Lance crying in my whole life. He didn't cry when he became the European Formula Three champion, he didn't cry when he got the call from Williams he waited for so long. He didn't cry when I broke up with him, he didn't cry at court._
> 
> _Lawrence's plan worked well, I was close to give up and everything when I asked his son for help and his son let everything behind him to help me. Hell, he even skipped some private tests his father had arranged to help me out with Alaïa. For some reasons, he knew about my past with my mom's last boyfriend and the police is still working on finding out how he managed to buy my mom's last boyfriend out of prison._
> 
> _According to my mom's last boyfriend, they got money, lots of money, for doing what they did. But apparently, they were told to target my right lower leg and my right knee - which they did. Lawrence promised them to make sure they wouldn't end up in prison again - at least that's what my mom's last boyfriend claims - and when they realised he wouldn't help them get out of prison, they decided to talk. And they decided to talk the Friday after the press conference._

Maurizio waves at us when we enter the huge room and he quickly comes towards us. ”Toto and I talked about you”, he says and I look at him confused, what the hell does that mean? ”If you want to come back to Formula One one day, you're free to choose a team of your liking. I can't talk for him, but we at Ferrari would love to see you in red one day, Bella.”

Surprised, I look at him and Fabian pulls me into a hug. ”Don't you dare to steal my teammate, I need her.” Before Maurizio can say something, someone yells _”he's coming”_ and everyone turns around to face the door.

Sebastian enters the room with Britta and Kimi and everyone cheers. Some Ferrari mechanics yell _”Forza Seb!”_ They wear the shirt as well and Sebastian high fives Fabian and me on his way through the crowd. Every member of the Ferrari Driver's Academy is here, just like lots of people who work for Ferrari in general. The atmosphere is amazing and I'm really happy for him, he truly deserves this.

> _What I personally just don't understand is why he told Maurizio, Simone and Mattia I was pregnant. As if the rape wasn't enough to ensure I'm done with everything again. Maybe he was afraid of his son coming to close to me or maybe he just wanted to make sure his plan would work this time, I don't know._
> 
> _But what Lawrence didn't know at that time was that Nico and Toto already talked about my future. And that they already agreed on offering me to join the DTM team for 2019, no matter what. The amputation just gave me more reasons to agree._
> 
> _To make sure things like this won't happen again, Toto made sure to talk to every single person who would be near my DTM car next year - together with Nico. There are going to be more security cameras in Fabian's and my garage and Toto announced he would be at the Formula One free weekends to keep an eye on the Mercedes boys and me_.

For two hours, Fabian and I managed to stay together - heck, he even waited in front of the ladies restroom so he could keep his promise of not leaving my side. I just turned around to grab the drinks we ordered and now, he's gone. Like, he really disappeared in those few seconds. How is it even possible for a human being to disappear that fast?

Quietly, I sigh and drink some of my Cola. Great, now I'm on my own in a room full of people, that's exactly what I did not want to happen at all. Staying here is my best chance to find him again, so I roll my eyes and watch a quite drunk Ferrari mechanic order some shots. When the barkeeper refuses to give him more alcohol, he curses in Italian - I don't hear what he says, but I learned to read lips and he definitely isn't happy about.

”Hey.” Wincing, I turn around and swallow when I see Lance standing in front of me. The music is loud but not so loud that you can't hear the people next to you, so it's okay I guess. ”Hey”, I return while my heart beats faster and my legs starts shaking. No, no, no. This is why I didn't want to be on my won today.

”Can we talk?” He looks into my eyes and I get goosebumps. I hate it. I hate the way my body still reacts to him, I hate that I just can't say no to him. ”Not tonight, it's Sebastian's night and h-” ”Come on, Bella, we both know he won't notice that you're gone for a bit.” He's right. He's right and by the look I get, he knows it. ”And I promised Fabi-” ”Sebastian and Fabian both just went outside. C'mon, it won't take long.“

I wish I could tell him to kindly fuck off. I wish I could tell him I don't want to talk to him, I wish I could tell him I can't be together with him after everything that happened. I wish I could slap him and turn around, I wish I could tell him to just leave me the fuck alone. But I can't. Something deep inside me wants to listen to him, something deep inside me wants to spend time with him no matter what.

“Five minutes.“ Quickly, he nods and I chug down my Cola before following him through the crowd. Fabian's going to kill me if he finds about this, he knows I can't help but be nice to Lance.

> _A few weeks ago, I walked around the house for the first time without crutches. Nico had teary eyes and Sebastian quietly sobbed. Ed had the idea of inviting the people I really care about to share the moment of the first time walking around without needing any help._
> 
> _Fabian had a huge smile plastered on his face and Kimi couldn't stop talking about the moment he saw me walking down the stairs. Kimi's the only one who knew about my fear of falling down the stairs because I never got to practice it before. Pascal filmed it and I uploaded it on Twitter a few days later._
> 
> _Together with Alaïa and Fabian, I designed my different prothesis. The one for racing have Fabian's and my signature on it as well as a “you can do it“-message from Pascal. And Alaïa draw my DTM car which is on my normal prothesis. It might sound weird, but it really helped me accepting it._

Lance opens the door and I swallow hard before leaving the foyer. “Bella!“ In shock, I wife and turn around. “Where are you going?“ Slightly thankful, I look at Mick. “She's going outside with me to catch some fresh air“, answers Lance for me and I just want to disappear, this is so akward. “Uh, no, she isn't going out with the guy who slapped her. It's my duty as her best friend to make sure she doesn't do the same mistake twice.“

Best friend? What the hell did I miss? “Mate, she's old enough to do her own decisions, she doesn't need you to take care of her.“ Mick clenches his fists and I don't know what to say or what to do. “Listen, she doesn't want to leave with you at all. She just can't say no to you because she doesn't want to hurt you more. Bella's one of the most caring persons I know and she does literally anything to make a person feel better. So back the fuck off and leave her alone.“

Lance looks at me and again, I get goosebumps. “Tell me to leave and I will but I'm not going to listen to that dickhead.“ A part of me never wants to see him again, but a tiny part of me never wants him to never leave me again. And Mick seems to know. Quickly, he grabs my arm and pulls me away from the entrance.

“Why are you doing this?“, I mumble and don't even think about looking at him. This is weird. Really weird. “Because I know you. As soon as someone's really close to you, you would do _everything_ to make this person happy. Maybe you don't realise it, but you would do _everything_ to make this person stay.“

I freeze and look at him in utter disbelief. He can't be serious, can he? “Listen, I really appreciate what you just did but I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.“ Quietly, he chuckles and I see Lance leaving the building. “Isabella, you just can't admit it but what your mom's last boyfriend did to you shaped you. It made you stronger, yes, but it also made you afraid of disappointing the people close to you.“

Is he right? Would I really do _everything_ to not disappoint the people who really mean a lot to me? But I didn't say _“I love you too“_ back when he told me about his feelings for me on the roof at the club in Italy, so I don't do everything to not disappoint the people who are really close to me. “No, Mick, this is a-“

Gently, he kisses me, right here in the foyer, his soft lips are carefully pressed on mine and he pulls me close. Somehow, this feels right.


End file.
